Feeling a bit guilty but good about refusing SD to come live with us!
My husband and I live in a large city -and I recently had a baby this past year. The past few years my SD has been saying that she wants to go to school where we live and with that she would be living with us most of the year. She is reaching HS age and while she's a great kid on many levels, but she's going through the toughest age and most rebellious period yet-is a little bit of a slob-and thinks that life would just be one big vacation if she was with us all the time, which would not be the case. I've actually bit my tongue many times bc I tell myself she;s only here in the Summer then brief visits throughout the year so why be wicked stepmom in her eyes..she also finds it more 'exciting' where we live and would probably care less about staying with us if we lived in the country.
Anyway, I think it would be hard on me as I am not ready to be the custodial Mom to a teen while having a small baby at home. My husband works long hours and we all know who would be doing most of the parenting. We also live in a smallish place and it would be very cramped for everyone. My dear SD has all she needs at her main house--which is huge!! and beautiful, but in a more rural area. Plus, the hubby's ex has plenty of money-yet we still pay her child support every month-even when SD comes and stays with us most of the Summer. She also said that she would not send a dime to my hubby if SD came to live with us. I told my husband the only way this could work is if we moved to the 'burbs! with more space etc. but really we both don;t want to move! I also said this is not realistic. After several months of SD bothering him about it , he finally told her that it could not work--as long as we live where we do etc. Though I know it is bothering the Hubby and I don;t want to feel guilty , I just know it would be a disaster for him as well. And I feel good that I am the best step mom that I can be when she;s here--but look forward to when she has to go bc it just starts getting to be a bit much at the end of her visits. Overall, I guess I'm looking for reassurance so I don;t have to feel bad about saying no to the idea--and making my H upset! Thoughts? thnx.
Let me tell you my story. 4
Let me tell you my story.
4 years ago I had an SD13. She has a disney dad (my SO) and her inconsistent mother (sometimes mom is on top of things, sometimes you think she doesn't care-- rules change a lot).
SO and I live in the city, SD and SS and mom and their steps live in hickville.
SD13- dad I want to come live with you and go to school.
Dad - ok
Helena - .. I don't get much say here.
Well, we throw a nice 8th grade graduation party, BM comes to check out our home (vomit) and SD moves in.
7 weeks and $12,000 later she says I want to go back. Why? She says she misses her friends. I'm a psychologist, Here's why
1. Dad's house is more fun, except now that I live here he's not so disney like.
2. The homework is way harder and I can get A's at the other school with little effort
3. I miss my friends because I am the cool kid. I'm the big fish in the little pond. At this new school, I'm the little fish and no one realizes how wonderful and great I am like they are supposed to.
She moves. Wasted time and effort, not to mention money. You did the right thing. Once they hit HS they are set in their ways. Leave it alone.
Helena...Thnx so much for
Helena...Thnx so much for sharing your story..And Breaking things down so well
I feel much better now, and yes reality is much different from the fantasy in a teen's mind. I do feel bad on some levels, but knowing my husband and his 'patience' level it would be a recipe for disaster 
I know it ! I just hope the whole thing has blown over now that she got a clear message from my Husband. And his ex has some nerve trying to 'pawn' her off on us during the most difficult time in her life. I do love this kid, but again, our relationship would change if she were here 24/7! thanks again...:)
You're welcome. THIS is also
You're welcome. THIS is also our issue. SO has very little patience and is NOT a planner so all the work was falling on me. With a baby now I would never have time for all of that so I say don't feel guilty at all!
One thing I learned is that even if they do come and live, I still am not a custodial mom. Dad will do it all. I have too much else going on. I'm mean, but yes he's had his kids visit when he's not home and I have left them to their own devices (17 and 14 years old). I don't even bother with meals. If he's so worried about it, then he needs to tell them to stay with their mom or he needs to adjust his work so that he's home when they are
I don't think you should feel
I don't think you should feel guilty. Only because I really don't think your DH wants his kid to move in with you. NO good parent, that wants their kid with them, would let anyone else dictate if the kid can live in the home or not. (Barring drug or abuse issues)
If the skids move it I will
If the skids move it I will move out, actually they would move out because I insisted they move into my home when we go married. They are very little work, and I like them,but for me but they cannot be allowed to ping pong back and forth and pick and choose.
If crazo died or there was a life altering event that would be different. Not I want to live with you....DH has a physic back ground so he know is is not good to let kids be in charge so this would be a no brainier for him.
I think you did the right thing. You need to protect yourself and your children, but beyond that, it really isn't goo for kids to change homes unless it is warranted.
Good luck don't sweat it, you made the right decision.
Here's some "good" rules: No
Here's some "good" rules:
No make up.
Modest clothes - polo shirts and twill pants that a boy would be more likely to wear.
No skirts
Oxford shoes with socks.
No dating
Bedtime at 9 pm
Mandatory studying for 4 hours a night.
And take her by the worst high school in your urban area - there's always one that is hideous.
Ha ha ha!! I love these
Ha ha ha!! I love these rules..too funny and yeah that would turn any teen off to living with their stepmom etc.