Letter to my SD18
I'm now deciding whether or not to hit send and wondering what good it would do if I send it. I showed it to DH and he said he can't disagree with anything I wrote but that it's a bit too harsh. I'm not sure I agree.
Comments?
I've had some time to really think about what I want to say to you and I am going to try to put it down on paper so that you can read over it and think about it.
You are the most selfish person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Almost without fail, everything you do or say is to get something for yourself. It has been my experience that even when you are being pleasant and appear thoughtful, it's because you are attempting to manipulate someone into doing something for you.
This has been going on since you were a child.
You have been such a proficient liar that I'm sure that you don't even recognize truth anymore when you see it.
If by some chance you feel a twinge of guilt over the awful things you have done, you quickly squash it down with accusations against others and replace the legitimate guilt you should feel with a false sense of victim hood. I imagine that it's the only way you can live with yourself and your actions.
You prey upon people when they are at their weakest like a vulture. You lack compassion for others.
Your lies about me from the time you were a child have been constant. You have always felt the need to put me down and lie about me to anyone who would listen while at the same time putting your hand out asking me to give give give to you. You took my love, my time, and my money to get as much as you could while stabbing me in the back the entire time.
Your deep insecurities and never-ending need for reassurance, and your desperate need to be the center of attention has cost every single person in this family way too much for way too long.
In spite of the pain and chaos you have caused over the years, I kept loving you and forgiving you in the hope that I could make a difference in your life. Even when you took me away from my daughter when she needed me the most during her surgery with your selfish actions, I forgave you yet again and tried yet again to help you get your life on track before you left our home. That was an utter failure.
The final straw for me was when you left my daughter after you asked for the job of caring for her while I was at the hospital. I don't know if you're aware but what you did to her was a criminal offense and I should have had you arrested for it. You proved to me at that point that you are truly an awful person. Only someone with absolutely no regard for others could leave a wheelchair-bound, blind, disabled, helpless child who is in their care so they could sneak out to go swimming simply so you could show off your body to a bunch of boys. And it's not like you were 13 at the time, you were almost an adult. And then to lie about it, actually take the money for it and involve Your little brother in your lies. How completely devoid of morals does someone have to be to do that?
You seem to feel the need to tell everyone that you are a good person and make others out to be horrible so you can portray yourself as a victim. I think it's because you KNOW that you are NOT a good person so you try really hard to be a victim.
The many times you have taken advantage and hurt your dad over your selfishness is sickening. Do you think he's forgotten that? Do you think he's forgotten the times his marriage has almost ended because of you and your lies?
I have been the only person in your life who has held you accountable for your actions and attempted to help you become a better person and you have always hated me for that.
You went on a campaign at 16 to destroy our marriage so you could have total freedom to do what you wanted. You knew that as long as I was around, I wouldn't let you just run wild. I was the only person who could see through your fake charm and catch you in your lies and your manipulative actions and the more I tried to keep you on the right path, the more viscous you became in your lies and attempts to seperate me from your dad. You kept trying to make him choose you or me which he never should have had to do. I finally chose to leave temporarily until you turned 18 because I just couldn't even stand to look at your face or hear your voice after what you did to Michelle. But I always knew that eventually you would be gone and Jim and I could then live a peaceful and happy life for the first time in years. And we are happy. life now is everything we knew it could be and what it would have been without your attempts to destroy it. He has made his choice as have I.
We don't want anyone in our lives that bring pain, chaos, lies, division, or destruction.
Our focus is peace, love, and fun and for me, that means that you are not in my life or my home.
You and your dad have to work out your own relationship outside of our home but it will not include me or my family. You need to grow up and realize that actions have consequences and there are some things that you can't undo once you've done or unsay once you've said.
You have destroyed the love I once had for you and have left in its place, anger, hurt, bitterness and a fierce determination to protect myself and my family from any more destruction at your hands. You are an adult now with the freedom to live your life anyway that you see fit. I hope that all the lies, chaos, and destruction you caused to get there was worth it.
What you could have had In your adult life as far as family, support, and love just isn't going to be there for you and you only have yourself to blame.
And I know that will only fuel your stories and lies about what a victim you are as you tell others how evil I am and what a neglectful alcoholic your father is but you know what? I don't care anymore because you really can't hurt us anymore. I am finally free of you and all of your drama, lies, and destructiveness and I have no intention of jumping back in.
Maybe one day you will truly realize what you have done to me, your dad, and this entire family, feel true remorse for it and change the way you treat people. Maybe one day you will value people for who they are and not what you can get out of them. Maybe one day you will truly be sorry for your actions and convey that in an honest and sincere way. Then one day, I may reconsider my position on your place in my life.
Basically to let her know
Basically to let her know that I am done! The lies, tears, manipulation etc will no longer have any effect on me. I want her to understand what she has done and to realize that actions have consequences and what happens now is up to her.
Maybe it's enough that I was
Maybe it's enough that I was able to write it. This girl has hurt me so deeply and right now the wounds are raw. She is out of our home finally but the hurt is still there. I start counseling Saturday to help me move past all of it. For 10 years I loved her, parented her and was there through all her drama and I have to figure out how to really let her go and move on. In 44 years, a childhood of abuse, a devestating medical diagnosis, a severely disabled child etc, I've never had as much pain as she has caused me.
Your situation sounds very
Your situation sounds very similar to mine, but my SD is 13. She has hurt my children, told lies that I abused her, stolen money and possessions from our family and been a down right horrible person to live with. I raised her for eight years after her mom abandoned her. Her dad was complacent...I did everything for her...including setting rules and not allowing her to dress like a slut or have sex at 12. She HATES me for that. After she because an immediate danger to my children, she started living with my inlaws. I, too have written letters to her in my head and considered writing a real letter so she can read what she did and not twist my words in her head. But honestly, she still would. She would laugh at a letter and be proud of herself for breaking me. I absolutely will not let her know the magnitude of the impact she had on me. I have PTSD (self-diagnosed) from what she has put me through. I have panic attacks and anxiety just thinking about having to see her or someone taking my kids near her.
My advice, don't send it. Keep it for you and let your husband see how she affected you. Take it to your therapist so she can see how you have been affected...but don't give your SD the honor of knowing her scheme worked. She got what she wanted and reading a letter about how much she hurt you will not make her cry to see what she did, it will make her smile. People like your SD and my SD have no empathy and no connection to the human race...she would be basking in her glory.
My SD has Reactive Attachment Disorder...I think it is possible your SD does, too.
I know some are disagreeing
I know some are disagreeing with you and I get their points too but I am at where you are at so I get completely why you wrote this. You want her to understand why you are writing her off, I am that way too. So I get why you want to send it. Actually reading it makes me want to send the same copy to mine but with a couple changes to fit my story. I wont copy don't worry just letting you know that you are going through something so similar to me. Wish you were in my town so we could vent.
She would probably laugh at
She would probably laugh at it. She left my disabled child alone while I was in the hospital. She has no soul.
It was an emergency
It was an emergency situation, and her dad was out of town working.
You seem intent on blaming me
You seem intent on blaming me rather than acknowledging that she did a horrible thing. She's always been selfish but has never left a helpless person alone before or I obviously wouldn't have left her with my daughter. She grew up with her and knows how to care for her. she was CPR certified etc. Again, it was an emergency situation. If I had it to do again knowing what I know now I would clearly not give her the job but never in a million years would I have dreamed she would just leave her!!!
Okay I will try this one more
Okay I will try this one more time. Sigh
This was an emergency situation. I have multiple sclerosis, had a bad flare (lesion in my spine) had to go to the ER for a 4 hour steroid infusion. 4 hours mind you, not overnight, not 4 days, 4 hours!! My husband was out of town fighting a forest fire. My daughters dad lived in another state. She was qualified to watch her, asked for the job, etc. she had NEVER left her before AND has watched her before. Totally unexpected on my part!!! Do you get the situation yet? All of our kids have grown up with thier sisters disability, they know how to care for her. It has always been a family effort. Why you insist on hiding me accountable for her inexcusable and criminal actions when I had NO way of foreseeing them is beyond me but this is the last post in my defense I will make.
My4kids: HRNYC goes out of
My4kids:
HRNYC goes out of her way to find one little tiny thing in a posters blog and focus on it. And hammer away upsetting the poster while refusing to see the posters side of anything.
To put it bluntly: ignore. Do not let her get to you.
PS: I would have called the cops on the skid.
Thanks for the support!
Thanks for the support!
Hun, I am on your side too, I
Hun, I am on your side too, I wrote more towards the bottom of this page, I was begging my irresponsible SD to help with my kids when I too was in a horrible sickness situation. I know what you mean, I too had no one else to help me. Don't worry, some wont be understanding on here but there are some who do understand. One thing I learned through out being a step parent is that unless someone has been in your situation they wont always understand. Hugs sent.
good old HRNYC, always
good old HRNYC, always sticking the point, as usual. (humongous f'g eye roll).
Don't let anyone beat you up
Don't let anyone beat you up over your decisions. Until someone has lived in your shoes, they have absolutely no understanding of how people like your SD can manipulate...how they play on your emotions and how desperately you want them to be "well". I know you would not have left your daughter with her had you known what your SD was capable of...no one wants to think anyone is capable of such things.
We have 6 other children who
We have 6 other children who aside from the normal teen behavior and rebellion are really good kids. She is the exception.
Too long. All you need to say
Too long.
All you need to say is:
Dear Worthless Fucking Bitch,
You are dead to me. Fuck off.
With great glee in being rid of you.
Yeah, I like your letter
Yeah, I like your letter better!
written notification you are
written notification you are writing her off? never in writing
See my letter would be: Dear
See my letter would be:
Dear worthless,
Your dead to me. Since your dead, you won't be needing an inheritance, so I am at the mall spending it on ME!
Caio!
I am wondering if you and I
I am wondering if you and I have lead the same life because that letter was so similar to what I have been through with my SD who is now an adult. I was her Step mom since she was 7. The only thing that is different is the part where you said she left your daughter to go swimming. Mine left me laying on the floor while I was suffering from a horrible disease and I begged her to stay the night at home (she had been running for almost 2 weeks at that time and she was only 17. Her father was away at work and she knew since I was so sick I could not chase her or make her stay so she ran free) anyways I begged her to stay, I thought I was dying at the time and it was 8pm, I had a 6 year old at the time and a 2 year old. I told her they hadn't been fed dinner yet because I was so sick and I asked her to stay and make them something to eat and help me through the night. She said these exact words to me while I was laying on the floor. "Where is your Mom" I said she couldn't come tonight because she was working. Then she said "Ya know, you need to realize that some people have a life and it doesn't revolve around you". I cried as she walked out the door. Thank God a good friend of mine called and came to my house to feed my kids and help take care of me.
What you wrote is exactly what I would love to write to mine. I however since her drug use, lying, and using us have let her go completely. So has her father. She wished us out of her life and we both let her go. It sadly even though she did this to me and my girls among many other things kept hanging on to her even after her dad wrote her off. I would try to keep her in our family till recently. I can now say that I don't want to and don't plan to see her. I am finally done after the last episode she put on me two weeks ago. I actually told her to fuck off.
She sounds as horrible as my
She sounds as horrible as my SD. I can't even begin to tell you the things she has put us through. A couple years ago my husband was deployed and I found out that she was doing drugs, sending porn of herself, sneaking out etc. and her dad told her she couldn't take drivers ed (which she wanted really badly) until she went through a local outpatient drug/alcohol treatment program and she proceeded to tell him "I hate you and I hope you never come home" She is just evil like that. He I till hurt by that. He's off at war and the biggest fear we have is that he wont make it home and she says that to him.
She has actively and viciously attempted to end our marriage with her lies and drama. Thankfully my husband finally woke up to what she was doing and took a stand. She forced him to make a choice and as soon as she turned 18 he did. Not because he wanted to but because she made it that way. Now she is all crying and whining about how alone she is and how she misses her family. She kept threatening him that when she turned 18 she wouldn't have anything to do with us unless she got her way. Well now she's 18 and WE don't want anything to do with her and she is nearly losing her mind. It's pathetically funny if you ask me. Shes staying with a friend for the summer and then off to college and shes all upset because she has to drive herself to college and no one is going to be there to help her decorate, get settled etc. This is stuff that I would have done for her had she not stabbed me in the back so many times. She knows I'm done. I didn't even attend her high school graduation, one of the hardest decisions Ive made. We have 7 kids and Ive never missed one, have always thrown a big party etc but I just couldn't do it this time.
To my4kidsmom, Yes yours
To my4kidsmom, Yes yours sounds like mine too. It was recently that I let her go completely. Her bio dad, my hubby, let her go a while ago. It took me a while just because I remember the sweet little girl she was but drugs have completely changed her and my husband put it very well when he said to me "that sweet little girl is gone for good, let her go". As the days go by, the easier it goes. Mine is still currently jobless, never has had a job and is 19 years old. She is shacked up with her non working boyfriend who introduced her to the drugs (we tried treatment..everything, I guess unless they want to change there is nothing we can do). They are pregnant and both facing felonies right now for drug selling. No idea what brought that on to her at the age of 15. We surely didn't raise her that way. She had the whole world, we had her darn near full time. Her older sister is doing fine, she is in college, always talks to us, is responsible. My bios with her father are both good kids, they are young yet but the one thing I like is I learned a lot. I learned so much that I know what to watch for with my bio daughters and they have it a lot tougher. I wish my hubby and I would have been smarter with the Drivers Ed. With our younger ones we sure will. Also made a new rule already, no car ownership till they are 18. That is sad what your SD said to her father, my husband is military too and I would come unglued if my SD said that. Mine has no soul either. She used to from age 7 until 14. I blame drugs, they change them for the worse. God bless.
Ladies with these hellish
Ladies with these hellish step daughters, read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is often caused by abandonment, so the fact that you are raising your steps instead of their mom points to it in a way. People like Adolf Hitler, Edgar Allen Pogh and most other people with no empathy or morals or sense of consequence had it, too. It won't heal your wounds but it at least might explain some things and reassure you that you are not crazy. I have dealt with a step with it, who sounds just like yours. She is no longer living with my family because I fear she is capable of killing us...that sounds extreme but if she can kick her one year old brother into a wall and try to strangle her sister, what else could she do? It concerns me how many people like my SD are out there...makes me feel unsafe
I thnk writing this down,
I thnk writing this down, reading it over, adding more, reading it over, and continuing till either you see the harshness your husband sees, and I'm not saying its harsh at all, just acknowledging your husband does, or until you get so sick of writing about it, you can't be bothered to anymore. Because I believe writing about your feelings is cathartic.
I would suggest you never send it. It will not make her a better person, but it will make you a lesser one. You have more than enough on your plate, don't lower yourself to her level. If you want her to know what you think of her, don't have another thing to do with her, don't speak to her, don't have her in your home, don't attend functions where she is present, or if you do, totally ignore her. Do not allow her to exist in your mind or life. Your husband appears as though he would understand your reasons behind ending any ties with her whatsoever. So, don't send this for her to read, show her how you feel, actions speak louder than words.
Yeah, I agree. I have decided
Yeah, I agree. I have decided just to keep writing and not send it.
I have tons of her writings
I have tons of her writings that she has sent. God help her if she f*&cks with me again. And your right. Its better to not leave that trail because she will just use it to get sympathy.
I think the hard part for me
I think the hard part for me is going to be really letting go of her emotionally. Her mom was not in her life and her dad was deployed for the past 9 years and I was her primary parent. She was my daughter to me and realizing that I am nothing to her after all I had done and given was a huge emotional blow to me.
I hear you, girl. I raised
I hear you, girl. I raised my SD through deployments and through her dad being a worthless parent to her. I was close to her and considered her my own. I am now at the point where I say I only have 2 kids (my bios). I do not claim my SD anymore. It is sad and it took SD being out of the house a year to get to this point...but it is better for me this way. The fact that you are hurt by SD shows how deeply you care. You tried. You tried very hard for years and did way more than any step-mom is required to do. It hurts when you go above and beyond and the kid stops calling you "mom". It hurts when you raise her the right way and she becomes a slut at 12. (ok that was what I dealt with). You have been betrayed. You have likely been blamed for the abandonment she feels from her mom and dad (deployment can cause feelings of abandonment). It isn't fair but it is easier for her to blame a step that her bios. It is harder to accept when your own mother screws up...it is easier to blame it all on the "evil" step-mother.
Let her go. You cannot help someone that doesn't want your help. She clearly wants to run her life her way and will probably never realize you had her best interests in mind. People this self-centered never realize when they were wrong.
Chin up, pamper yourself, stop giving this brat room in your head (easier said than done...I still have many sleepless nights thinking about SD).
Hugs and feel free to message me.
I would not send it. Oh, I
I would not send it. Oh, I 'get' it and I'm sure each and every word is true, but that's partly why I wouldn't send it. Yeah, it feel great writing it and I can tell you thought carefully each and every sentence. I imagine it was extremely liberating to finally get each and every word out...and there's nothing wrong in that.
But I'd frame it in a nice frame and hang it on my kitchen nook wall. Where I sit, have my morning coffee and reflect upon things. Each and every time I felt weak, I'd reread it. Each and every time she tried to call, tried to worm her way back in, tried to cause new drama, I'd reread it. I'd make d*mn sure I read it and reread it each and every time I started to perhaps second guess my decision of cutting her from my life. Every time DH might suggest 'let us try again', or 'you were too harsh on her'. Reread it. Reread it. Reread it.
Sending it just makes the 'victim' even more the 'victim'. She won't recognize her part in any of it and it sure won't make her look in a mirror and see herself for who she is and her ways. It's the every last two lines "Maybe one day you will truly be sorry for your actions and convey that in an honest and sincere way. Then one day, I may reconsider my position on your place in my life" that gave me my opinion. You still have hope. You still desire the young lady to acknowledge she was wrong and at fault for every last 'sin' and 'heartache' since she was a young child. And if she does, you might let her 'back in'.
And that is why I would not send it. She needs to grow and learn and change and to discover her part in all this on her own. The day may come, it may not. But if you send that letter to an 18yr old teen (even though she's of adult age now) and she'll forever be the 'victim' , you'll forever be (in her 18yr old mind) the cold hearted b*tch who cast her aside and slammed the door shut. If she doesn't know, recognize and acknowledge she's brought this on herself now, the letter isn't going to suddenly turn a light bulb on in her head. No matter how many times she reads it and ponders about what was written.
You are probably right that I
You are probably right that I still have some hope that she will become a good person. I loved her like a daughter for so many years. The problem I have now is how to forgive ( for MY sake) and yet remember everything so that I never allow her in again to have that kind of power to hurt me. That's why I remind myself every time she tries to worm her way back into our lives that she is a horrible, narcissistic, evil person who is only trying to use us.
(((Hugs)) to you Sister, I'm
(((Hugs)) to you Sister, I'm so sorry she has put you thru this, but do no send that letter, it will not be good for you in the long run. You will win this battle, but lose much ground in the war. SD will turn this on you and use it to her advantage, she'll be the victim and you'll be the big bad Stepmom that's picking on her.
We here at STalk understand why you wrote the letter and feel the need to send it, we can all sympathize, but the rest of the world won't. When you showed your DH, while he agreed with what you were saying, he said "it was a bit too harsh" that right there should tell you he will defend her & feel sorry for her when she comes to him about it. Then who's the bad guy, not her, you.
With my SD, I have found that my silence speaks volumes to her. She does not matter, she does not affect my life, she has no power over me. Disengage from your SD, it's freeing and you'll let go of so much anger and resentment.
to avoid the drama and
to avoid the drama and bullshit that sd would start over this letter, i would recommend you just keep it. start a journal, either a real one or an online one, and write letters like this to your hearts content. i have done that and even though the people i'm wring to will never read it, it still made me feel better to get it out. actions speak louder than words anyway. show her these things instead of telling her, she likely wouldn't listen anyway. when you need some extra strength to stick to your guns about keeping her gone and protecting your family from her, reread the letter and behave as though you did give it to her. behave as though you told her she is not welcome and you will do anything to protect your family, and then stick to your word and do just that. she doesn't need to know how you feel if she's just gonna use it to cause more trouble. you know how you feel, you need to get it out on paper or online, and then you will benefit from relieving yourself and doing what needs to be done, while she will recieve a loud and clear message from your actions that your word would not be able to send.
Op, don't push yourself to
Op, don't push yourself to forgive. That will just naturally in time when you have had time to heal yourself. It may take a couple of years for you to not be hurt or angry not even disappointed in her or what could have been. But, it takes time. If you want that to happen quicker, then the sooner you start accepting she is what she is, and you say she is a narcissist, THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE, that is incurable, the better for all concerned. . She's not going to be better in 10 or 20 years, and if someone reads that letter at your funeral, she won't care, she won't be ashamed or embarrassed, it won't be a wake up call. It will make you look bitter, as though you've harboured a grudge against her for years, and people will absolutely think you have if that letter is read. Instead of teaching her a lesson, you will have proved she was right all along. She will make sure that letter paints her as the victim.
This is a little snippet of what they do. My husbands 28 year old daughter gave birth to her first child. Dh bad I go to the hospital, I step forward to congratulate her, arm outstretched nod gift in hand. She turns her head away and stares at her mattress refusing to accept my gift.
Some other stuff goes down, including her telling dh if he wants to see her baby he will have to leave me. Then she appears on my doorstep babe in arms 3 months later, I banned her there and then, said she was never to come back. I told her That she had been trying to make an enemy of me for 8 years, now she had. Her response, quick as a flash, "your just jealous of me, you haven't said one word to me since my baby was born, not one word', Now, you see, technically she was correct. I hadn't even said so much as congratulations. I didn't get a chance to, her actions made it abundantly clear she wanted nothing to do with me, she wasn't even about to accept a gift from me, but she was right, I hadn't spoken to her since the baby was born. That was the story she spreading to friends and family. She was the victim, I was jealous of her and her baby. I thought her dad would love her baby more than he loved me, I thought he would leave me for her baby. There are still family who don't speak to me over this.
You can't win with a narcissist. But you can reach a point where you don't care, you don't hate, you don't get angry or disappointed, you don't wish them any harm. That is when you know your have truly healed, you are over it. You are well.
I wish I could respond to
I wish I could respond to everyone. Thanks for all the support and stories. We have all been through so much! I'm really glad I found this site. It's so freeing being as to post honestly about what we've been through.