I have had enough
My SS is 30 years of age, I have a bio son who is 12. My SS lives with us and basically a moocher. I have never once seen him once put his hands in his pocket and help out he just expects his dad to pick up the bill. I have never come across such selfish behavior, I was just not raised that way.
I have yelled I have tried to reason with my DH but nothing works. I lost my job a couple of weeks ago and things are so stressful and having this grown man living with us it is just too much strain. I have been with my partner for 9 years and it is so hard for me to walk away. My son gets on very well with ss and I am scared that he will see me has the bad guy. I feel so alone and don't know what to do. Every time I talk to my partner about his child he automatically just clams up and is defensive. I have told him that he cannot keep enabling his adult son and he is crippling him. I am physically and emotionally strained.
I am sick of walking on egg shells around my own home. I need some advice.
I think it's too late for all
I think it's too late for all of that, I feel such resentment towards my partner that I can't even look at him. I have tried my hardest to make this work and I have nothing else to give. How can a man who says he loves me not value my opinion of what goes on in our home.
When I speak to my DH I am the unreasonable one and I feel he is playing mind games with me, I can't even think straight. Sorry for being so depressing but this situation has just strained me.
Wow....30 years old living at
Wow....30 years old living at home. I know things happen but most adults do not want to live at home. Can you make it really uncomfortable for him? Disconnect the cable from his room. Shut the internet down at your son's bedtime. Tell him that if he wants these things he needs to pay half the bill. Take back the house key and put him on a curfew. Tell him you are locking the door at 9pm and it does not get reopened until 7 am the next day. If he's not in by 9 pm then oh well, not your problem. You made him aware of the new rules. Stop buying the kind of food he likes. Keep your sons snacks and lunch food in your room.
Sorry, I hope things get better for you.
No because if she tries to
No because if she tries to make it really uncomfortable for the ss, her dh will be furious and that will cause more problems between him and her.
Anyway, the ss is not the problem. He is just a product of his upbringing, it really is unfair for kadian or anyone to call him names and blame him. He cannot make independent judgements and act as a grown man, he has been emotionally crippled, never allowed to grow and separate from daddy, because daddy needs him. His dependence on daddy makes daddy proud. He sees it as how much his son loves him, he sees his son wanting to live at home at the age of 30 as a badge of honour, as a mark of how well he and his son get along. The son has a huge problem, daddy gave it to him, just as daddy has created this problem for Kadian.
As long as daddy is getting a payoff for this, he will never change. Daddy has his wife and his adoring son. Until daddy loses one of these or feels threatened by the reality he really could lose one of these, he will never change. The son, well he's going nowhere, he'd be mad to leave a cushy set up like that. But, if daddy sees he could really lose Kadian unless he changes his ways, daddy like all fathers like this, will pull the rug out from his sons feet so fast that kid won't know what happened to him. Why, because like every father who denies their child the gift and right to independence as an adult, is a selfish prick. Daddy will when his back is against the wall choose what is best for him. If he feels Kadian will look after him, he will choose being looked after as opposed to his son that he has to look after. Daddy will ultimately look after number 1, himself.
I too would be very worried about what my son was learning from all this. If you choose to leave, your son needs to know it was because your husband has destroyed his son and you wanted better for your son.
I basically said today I
I basically said today I cannot take anymore of this and I am going to leave with my son, I spoke to DH in depth about what he is doing is not love, surely you want your children to be successful human beings and DH said OK then go but just remember I am NOT telling you to leave this is your choice. Can you believe the heartless git would say that he might as well as packed my bags for me. I have been strained by these people for so long and it just baffles me how he can be so callous and cold about it. I know time will heal my broken heart but until then it hurts like nothing else. I feel used and it makes me mad as hell.
I plan to use what money I have and get me and my son the hell away from these toxic people. I have been crying all day the effort I put into this relationship and trying my hardest to get on with SS and DH is outside peacefully reading a book like nothing is happening, yeah I know even before you say it "RUN".
Ummm! Run fast. So sorry, I
Ummm! Run fast.
So sorry, I know it hurts, but know this. It's not you, it really is him. Men like him love no one, they see people as commodities to be used for their own gain. He would have treated the woman before you like that, and blamed her. Just like he is blaming you now. If his ex is a screaming lunatic, look at who made her that way. She too probably ended the marriage feeling much more used than you do, she bore his children. He will treat the woman after you the same way, and there will be another, he needs one to cook, clean, babysit and warm his bed. He will probably hook one in pretty quickly telling her how you chose to dump him and his kids for no reason.he actually will believe that too. Once something has crossed his mind, then that is his truth. Good luck, you have made a wise choice. He is incapable of change. He sees nothing wrong with himself, so no need to change is there. You are the problem. That's his opinion, that's his truth.
Good for you, get out. In a
Good for you, get out. In a way, I'm glad your DH was a total ass to you, and things got so bad that you had no choice but to leave. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to get the strength and courage to leave. But I know it's so heartbreaking at the same time. In time that will pass. Save yourself!
Can I ask how your stepson
Can I ask how your stepson got to this point? Has he always lived at your house, or was he "on his own" at some point and then came back? Does he have a degree, tons of debt?
I am curious to hear more about him
Also-- I'm so sorry about all the stress you are under!!!
When I met my DH he never had
When I met my DH he never had his son living with us. He asked me if it was ok if he his son came over from the UK to Spain where we lived. I agreed stupidly to it thinking he was just going to come over and he would get himself sorted and then move out not knowing he was a moocher. I never dreamed that after 9 years he would still be with us and sill depending on his dad. SS is currently unemployed and in no hurry to find work or stand on his own two feet. He does not have a degree he has worked in bars and other dead end jobs which will not set him up in life. He likes living in the set up that he is in. I have to say I cannot stand the man because that what he is a man but acts like a incapable little boy. I realized that nothing would change because DH did not want it to change and I was fighting a losing battle. Sick of all the drama and the poor me speech he loves to give.
You have to know when it is time to walk away.