Thank you for all your comments and AnaR thank you for the very long response. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared about my future with my spouse. Funny how after the ring is on the finger things seem to creep up. It is not that I didn't see this before. The first time that he "scolded" me in front of the SD was after we got engaged. We talked about it. He just couldn't see my point that he had then and there set the tone for my authority in the household. He did not apologize. He thought that I was out of line for making his daughter cry ( basically she admitted lying about something I said and I wanted her to confess to my spouse because this had caused discord between us). Funny I thought that maybe as his wife I would get some sort of higher status to be respected as an authority figure. Yes, my spouse does have some issues. Very bad and abused childhood at the hands of a step father. Robbed of a childhood really. He is trying to heal his own childhood in the raising of his daughter, if that makes any sense. He is very defensive by nature. Quick to take offense. Arrogant about his opinions and how he parents. On the flip side ( kids aside) he is wonderful, funny and super sexy. He listens to my feelings as long as it does not involve my SD or his parenting. It has been so contentious with us lately that I hate to even re-open the subject. I have made declarations like " I am detaching", "she is your daughter so you raise her however you want", "what i care about is the relationship with you". I actually don't detest the little girl although she gets on my nerves with her bad habits and constant need for attention. My problem is with my spouse. Maybe I should suggest that we talk about things but that would just put him on the defensive. I just want to know what comes first, his marriage or his kid. Some on this site suggest that the spousal relationship should be primary. Some say the kids come first. What should it really be. Honestly I see them as maybe equal at least!

Thank you all for your comments. WOW......he has had some therapy but decided early on not to be a victim and left it at that. He does not want to return to therapy and only believes one should go to a therapist in a crisis situation. It just might get to that for him. ALREADY.......I am not at my wits end yet...but...I hope it does not come to that; if it does, I will wish I had taken your advice to get out.
Actually today we had a bit of a breakthrough. When we first got together he wanted me to co-parent his daughter, something which I thought was the ideal but as we went along I liked the idea less, especially when it was discovered that we parent differently and it just caused problems. He was finally able to talk about it today without getting angry or touching a hot button. I told him that I have been reading a lot on the internet ( something which he criticized since "most people even experts don't know what they are talking about" according to him). Anyway, I asked him what he saw my role to daughter as since we are obviously not on the same page with parenting. He gave me an honest answer and one that gives me a bit of a relief. He said he does not know right now; originally he thought I could be the mom and we would be like a family. He came to terms with the fact that he does not like to share parenting. THIS IS GREAT! I don't want to be a parent to the kid anyway and since I have disengaged there is no added pressure to fill a "mom" role. I told him that I was ok with that and that the kid has a mother and a father and does not need a third parent. I told him that I am comfortable with being an adult role model and making sure that the kid has a safe and loving environment to grow up in. I think this will defuse a lot of future problems to which he agreed. See I was feeling all this pressure to be a mom, to do all the grunt work but not have a hand in direction and discipline. I am hoping that we have turned a corner here.
As for the kid her annoying little habits are not as bad as some of the other kids' on this site. And she is actually sweet and is loving to me. I am thankful for that. Some of the things she could well grow out of but honestly I see a coddled child who is growing up with emotional issues that could get worse. That will be her father's problem. We have good insurance and will stay on an HMO so that her hypochondria can be financially manageable. I hope she turns out to be the kind of teenager that is in her room all the time or always sneaking out of the house. Someday I know that my spouse will be faced with undeniable truths about her, whether by a teacher, a social worker or a school psychologist. I don't see her being a danger to others or felonious. She will likely have few if any friends and might just hurt herself. Sad because she is a smart little thing.