Are you sure we're talking about the same kids?
We have 50/50 custody of boy/girl twins, age 5. I've been in their lives since they were 2 1/2, I moved in with DH when they were 3. Seems like we're getting the better end of bargain, though. We are constantly being told horror stories about their (mostly SS) behavior when they are at BM's.
When they're here, they're usually pretty good. Considering that they're 5 and twins, I'd even venture to say that they are great! I have had a lot of experience with kids and these two range from 'normal' to 'excellent' on most days. The bad behavior that I've witnessed is pretty mundane: "He took my toy!" or "You're drawing on my picture!" You know, the sort of stuff that I expect to see from two 5 year olds. Often, it can be corrected by a short time-out and a hug. Fundamentally, they are great kids. Compared to the majority of my blended family friends, I've got it easy! They love me, I love them, we love DH, we are a happy home.
But when they're with BM, we hear about potty training regression, tantrums that go on for hours, violence toward the other sibling or self, never-ending crying fits, making a scene in public... It's a long list and BM always has a lot to say. The bad behavior will definitely spike and wane but generally speaking, they are much worse at BM's house.
Their behavior is even flipped like this when they're at daycare. They'll be good at daycare when they're with us, but the daycare teachers tell us that it's bad when they're with BM. A few months ago, SS punched another child in the face, pushed over a bookcase, and spit on another child at nap... all in the same day. Daycare knows which parent will pick the kids up just based on their behavior. DH and I once went out of town for a week and daycare asked us never again to leave. :O
There are obvious differences between our homes and it's also obvious that each home deeply cares for them. But sheesh! They're never that bad for us! I don't get the impression that she mistreats them; sounds more like they're spoiled but starved for attention there.
I get their cuddly side, she gets their nasty side. Anybody else run into this?
My husband is a truck driver
My husband is a truck driver and is gone all week and comes home on weekends my bio daughter4 acts up with me all week ( she doesn't hit and stuff just not obeying) but when daddy comes home she is an angel, I let her get by with alot cause its just me and her, maybe BM just let's them get by with alot when they are with her and daddy is the more discipline parent and keeps behavior in line like my husband.
They know what they can get
They know what they can get away with at moms. They know that there won't be a consequence at pick up time on moms day so why behave?
My son does something a bit similar. He knows that I don't buy slurpies or donuts or happy meals....so he never asks me for them. On daddy's day to pick up or drop off to school....he has a string of junk food requests and whines and whines about it. Because he knows that dh is likely to give in.
If daddy is the one to put him to bed he rarely gets back up, cause he knows daddy means business. On the nights daddy is at work he will get up two or three times asking for an extra snack or a drink or another hug because he know I'm a softy and has a shot at getting g what he wants.
Either they have just realized what they can get away with or bm is unknowingly settling them off with something she is doing. Dh used to do this with the skids before I pointed it out. He tended to favor SD over SS. They of coarse noticed this. So SD would feel emboldened as the golden child and purposely push ss's buttons knowing she would get away with it. So SS would do something back to her to try and put her in a r place and it just escalated. Once dh was aware of how he was setting off the whole chain of events he was able to make sure he was even and fair when dealing with the first minor issue so it didn't snowball into chaos.
Could bm be favoring SD and SS is acting out because of it?
My DW and I used to have a
My DW and I used to have a similar situation. My BS8 and BS14 would tell us stories about how it was over at BM's house. BS8 would throw tantrums, not have to do chores, get what he wants, and BS14 was / is pretty much raising BS8 at his mother's house. When they were here, however, BS8 knew that there were rules, and that it would not fly here. Fits / tantrums got you nothing except time alone in his bedroom, and lost privileges.
Now, however, the stakes have changed, and BS8 is nasty no matter which house he is at. This most likely has a lot to do with BM making our house be a punishment, and the place that is going to cause him to never see his mother again. Just this past weekend, he threatened to commit suicide "to show us he does have the power of the house". We had him put into a hospital because of this threat, and it was funny to hear how the therapist there stated that his BM and us saw two different children.
As someone else posted, it is likely the fact that rules are different, and if they are allowed to get away with everything / anything at BM's house, they will show it. And if the BM is favoring one over the other, they will act out as well. I feel for you and your situation, and the best thing that I can suggest is hold to your ground and keep the rules at your house. Best of wishes to you and your family.