Hello - new to site!
Hello, everyone! I found this site through Google, and I have been reading over the past couple of days after an argument with my DH and SD22 really stressed me out this past weekend. 
My DH and I were recently married (almost two months ago) after dating for over two years. I now have an SD19 and an SD22. To complicate matters, I am probably closer to their real ages than I should be, although our emotional ages are light years apart - likely one reason their dad and I get along so well. BM is still in the picture, more so than I would like, although she lives with her boyfriend, the man for whom she left my DH about four years ago (classy).
I am here because I had a pretty volcanic fight with my DH over his daughters' behavior, and I just needed to rant and talk with other people who may have had the same experiences. So, here we go - I apologize, it's going to be a doozy!
DH and I live in different cities for work (we have about a year left in our situation). The skids are in college, although during the summer, they live in his "real" house in a third city, which is in the same state as their college. DH does not live in this house full-time; he visits "home" every few months to check in and have his regular appointments (doctor, dentist, etc.). He generously provides everything for these girls; they want for NOTHING. In addition to letting them live in his home (technically, "our" home now), he generously pays for housing at college (furnished apartment and in-house sorority dues), full tuition, car payments, car insurance, medical insurance and other medical bills, cell phones, allowance, and very nice vacations.
He came home this past weekend to find his house TRASHED. Garbage overflowing into the garage, entire garage stinking of rotting garbage that hadn't been taken to the curb in weeks, trash everywhere, no food, no toilet paper, air conditioning broken. And, to make matters worse, his bed was unmade, a slat was broken from the bottom of the bed, and his entire bedroom (again, "our" bedroom!) was filled with empty water bottles and food trash - around, on, and under the bed and nightstands. He called me in tears because he just didn't know what to do. His daughters and their car keys were nowhere to be found, so he had to tear apart SD19's room before he found the spare keys so he could just go buy toilet paper and minimal groceries!
I felt AWFUL. He does everything for these girls, and they treat him like garbage. They manipulate him and do whatever they need to do to get everything they want. I told him that he needs to make it clear to them that this is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE behavior, and they should be punished accordingly. He said he doesn't want to punish them because he is afraid of causing a rift that would lead to them not wanting to go on vacation with him next week (prepaid, of course). I told him that should not even be an option - if they choose not to go on vacation, he can take their prorated shares of the cost out of their allowances and sorority dues. He said that was a possibility, but who knows if he will follow through or not.
This is the part where I screwed up. I was so frustrated with everything, their lack of respect for him, his reluctance to discipline or attempt to fix the situation, that I made a generic Facebook post about how sad it is that children don't respect their parents nowadays. SD22 saw it and told DH she was "disappointed" that her private business made it to me and to Facebook, and DH blew up at me. A nasty fight ensued - DH and I have worked out our end of it, but the root of the problem - the messy house - is still present, and SD22 is still pissed at me, naturally. I agree, putting it on Facebook was wrong, but I'm only sorry for the way in which I communicated my disappointment to her. I am in no way sorry I said it (it's true, and DH agrees that it's true), but I should have probably picked up the phone and called her instead of posting to Facebook.
There are SO MANY problems in this situation. DH and I fight a lot more than I would like, and it is frequently about his daughters' atrocious behavior and lack of respect. There is definitely an air of parentification/spousification, especially with SD22, as DH has admitted that he treated her as a confidante when she lived with him during and after the divorce. Both children have pretty noticeable "Daddy!" issues (and, yes, they call him "Daddy" at 19 and 22 years old!) and frequently interrupt my conversations with him, push between us when we are walking together, and enter our bedroom without knocking at all hours of the day. And the sleeping in our bed thing - ugh! That is SO screwed up! I know what goes on in my parents' bed, and I am happy to leave it all to them! I can't imagine WHY they (especially SD19) keep making excuses to sleep in his (our) bed (when he is gone, not when he is home, at least), enter our room, use our master bathroom, etc. I got DH to admit that there are some definite boundaries that have been crossed that need to be re-defined, but it is going to be a struggle to re-train these hellions. At least DH appears to be on my side, and his family (parents and aunt) agree that some change needs to happen with the skids.
I made an appointment with a relationship counselor tomorrow to get some professional help - I feel like third party intervention would be really great in this situation, if only to give me a leg to stand on (DH and I are both, unfortunately, quite stubborn). I just wanted to get this OUT in the meantime and see if anyone here has some immediate advice!
If you are still following along, a very big THANK YOU for letting me get that out! I feel so much better now!
It's complicated, because we
It's complicated, because we live in different cities, and we only spend nights in the "real" house when we are both traveling, so there's not really anywhere else to go. I suppose if I need to, I can pull the "make it stop or I sleep on the couch" card with the bed issue, though.
I do NOT clean up after them. Unfortunately, DH is a neat freak, so he usually spends at least a whole day (and often more) cleaning the house and restoring it to normal when he visits home. I am usually only in the house two or three times per year (Thanksgiving, New Year's, and maybe a random time here and there).
That's a GREAT idea about asking how he would react if the girls came to my house and trashed it! I am definitely keeping that one in my arsenal.
He is going to come to counseling the next time he is in my town, but I needed to talk to someone immediately and well before his next visit in a few weeks.
Indeed what your SD's did and
Indeed what your SD's did and have been doing to your home and to DH is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! DH needs to CUT THEM OFF! They are plenty old enough to have jobs and at least HELP pay for their way in life, if he wants to continue to pay for college ONLY then that is fine but for the finer things in life, they need to be and should be held accountable for that. No wonder they are as horrible as they are, they have EVERYTHING handed to them and then some! They are old enough to know better of course BUT it is your DH that has allowed and enabled this behavior to continue to the level it is at right now. Only HE can fix this! He needs to set CLEAR and CONSISTENT boundaries, rules, and expectations for both SDs. ASAP!
It will burn their asses to no end when the gravy train stops BUT in the end DH will be doing them a world of good for helping them enter into reality like the rest of us!
I sure hope your situation gets better...SOON!
Wow, that really sucks.
Wow, that really sucks. Hopefully the counselor will help him realize they'll only respect him as a parent when he acts like one and that includes teaching them how to respect others.
I wouldn't get to wound up over them still calling him Daddy. I'm 48 and I still refer to my father as Daddy as do my considerably older sisters. He passed three years ago and never objected to it nor did my Mom before she passed years before him.
Get a locks put on your bedroom door and any other rooms you don't want them in. I think after this they'll know its because of their own behavior that they've been placed there. They lost the trust that was given to them and they have to earn it back.
I hope someone can get it
I hope someone can get it through your DH's head that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. They have no respect for him and he doesn't demand it but continues to give money no matter how crappy they treat him. He should not be scared of what they will do or not do...THEY should be scared of what HE will do or not do! Especially if he pulls his funding!
Also, he must be well to do. Why doesn't he hire a maid or another college student whose parents aren't footing their entire bill? If they want to live in squalor without food or toilet paper, why does he feel the need to rescue them? They are adults now.
As far as your FB post, if the shoe fits, lace that baby up! Unless you specifically named SD in your post, I really don't see why it is any of HER business what YOU post on YOUR facebook page. In fact, I would block the little bitch and any other skids that she might be using their accounts to look at your page. If SD felt like she was being properly respectful of her dad, she wouldn't have got her panties in a bunch.
You are newly married and I know that the early arguments are devastating. I am glad you are planning on counseling because that would have really helped me through the early years - as long as it was a good counselor and not one of those "children are precious snowflakes" counselors!
Wow. Thanks for the warm
Wow. Thanks for the warm welcome. Looks like I'll think twice before posting again.
Good advice, thank you! I
Good advice, thank you! I know I am relatively new to this game and need to grow some thick skin in the process. Hopefully I can learn a lot from the forums here!
I understand that it was a
I understand that it was a mistake on my part. I was very quick to admit that in my original post. I came here reeling a bit after a big fight, and I think you calling me "immature" and my actions "bullshit" when I already knew I was in the wrong probably wasn't the most hospitable way to do things.
But, hey, it's the internet, I get it. A lot of people see that as a license to treat others however they want.
I, however, do not.
Have a nice day!
listen to this ^^^ it's a
listen to this ^^^ it's a little harsh but it's dead on. I agree w/ echo, you don't really have a right to express how you feel as they are not your children, esp not on fb, that's up to your Dh. He created this monster and now he needs to fix it but he has to do that on his own. Echo is totally right as far as saying you need to tell him what you're willing to deal with and see if it changes. In the beginning of my step life I tried telling dh what he "needed" to do and I learned quick that it only caused me stress. Dh needs to stand up to these girls and lay down the law but again he has to do that on his own accord.
Wow that is so unfortunate.
Wow that is so unfortunate. It sounds like DH needs to put his foot down. There is nothing wrong with being daddy's little girls but RESPECT goes along way. Somewhere along the line they have lost respect for their dad and because of that sounds like they have none for you either. I am hoping that counseling helps you guys but DH needs to lay down some standards house rules for starters.
His kids, adult or not,
His kids, adult or not, probably view this as their turf. Also, do not be mistaken, if you and your DH were to divorce right now, he would leave with that house; he brought it in, he takes it out. You would be entitled to half the equity that's accrued since your marriage, that's it. So, while you may view it as your home, too, keep in mind that he may not. He may even tell you he does (to avoid an argument, of course) when he does not.
With that in mind, drop the issue. When his kids disrespect him, just accept that this is the relationship he's been cultivating for 22 years now, and if he ever gets tired of it, he will force a change. Many kids disrespect their fathers for just this reason. You teach people how to treat you; this is what he's taught them.
I do believe you should apologize to the SDs for the misstep, and from here on out, keep all such comments to yourself or a close friend. Realize, they may be slow to forgive and may never forget.
The next time your DH comes crying to you for the shitty behavior he endures from his kids, listen, pat him on the head, all that jazz. Then, when the conversation is over, unplug your other ear and let it all drain out. It is not your job to clean up after your SDs *or* your DH.
And finally, echo is one of the wisest posters here; you may not like her delivery, but you'd do very well to heed her advice.
He's actually more insistent
He's actually more insistent on using the term "our house" than I am, LOL. I could care less about the house, in reality - I don't live there, and to me, it just symbolizes the time he spent going through and recovering from the divorce before he met me. He hasn't lived in the house full-time since shortly before we started dating. I kind of just want him to sell it and be done with it (which would also solve the problem of the human-sized bug infestation).
Thanks, all, for the
Thanks, all, for the constructive comments. I have some learning to do around here, for sure. I did call SD22 a couple of days ago and tried to apologize - she didn't pick up the phone, but I left her a message saying I was sorry for how I handled the situation. She texted me back saying that she appreciates my apology and she doesn't want to talk about it any more.
The rest is in DH's court, at least until I visit the house. The more I read on here about "disengaging," the better it sounds - but I am going to sit down with the counselor tomorrow and see what she has to say, too.