“Child of Divorce” Behaviors
Forums:
A current blog posting on here mentioned how some teachers, child care professionals, and other insightful adults are able to “spot” a child of divorce within minutes of meeting him/her, based on the child’s behavior(s).
I’m genuinely curious: What are the behaviors that those of you with this insight pick up on? What do you see in these kids that you don’t see in children from intact families?
There are no divorces in my family. My own skids are the only “COD” kids I’ve ever known.
Perhaps any insights you can offer will help me to understand them better.
I don't know if you can lump
I don't know if you can lump them all together.
COD who still have loving, regular interaction with both parents are going to perhaps behave differently than children who have divorced parents and don't see the other parent at all.
There are also COD that have asshole stepparents, so that adds another ingredient to the mix of what causes behaviors.
Some of the most well behaved young adults I know are the products of divorced parents, and I have seen the biggest idiots come out of intact families.
I don't know about the "signs" per se. I think if a child is loved and valued, they stand a much better chance of being ok no matter what their parenting situation. If you have a kid that is regularly beat down by a parent or especially a stepparent, then I guess you will see all kinds of "signs".
It depends on the situation
It depends on the situation and I don't believe the earlier blog was exactly about children of divorce. I think it was based more on children without the manly, father figure around.
Then that explains a lot
Then that explains a lot about that other blog and the issues with his SS.
Yes, I noticed the overall
Yes, I noticed the overall subject of the blog, but those particular statements jumped out at me as being very interesting.
I realize that individual circumstances vary tremendously, but if there is some sort of "pattern" to the way kids adjust to their parents splitting up, knowing that could be very helpful to someone like me (without divorce experience) and, hopefully, other readers/posters here.
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That is very, very sad. I am
That is very, very sad.
I am glad that my skids have two biological parents who have always loved and wanted them, and that all three share the same bio parents.
Saying this wil probably make me very unpopular here, but maybe they should have those mobile spay and neuter clinics for people, too.
I think the term "COD" is
I think the term "COD" is pretty vague. I mean, if two parents divorce but are committed to working together and putting their own personal differences aside for the best interest of the kids, there will be a much different outcome than we see here a lot of the time.
Kids who are abused, neglected, PAS'd, forced to choose between parents, deal with considerable physical distance between parents, etc. will most definitely turn out differently than kids who are not.
I don't think anyone denies that divorce is hard on kids, but there's therapy, counseling, proactive parenting, and other tools out there to help kids deal. When parents are more concerned with CS, screwing the other parent over, or making the new stepparent miserable (among other things), the energy is focused on the wrong things and the kids go without the tools/love/attention they need, especially in that difficult time.
I don't think there are any
I don't think there are any symptoms specific to cod's. As others have stated. I do think there are some behaviors that kids exhibit that MAY be more likely in divorce situations.
I think divorce often creats an environment with these children that encourage manipulation. All kids manipulate. Including in intact families between mother and father. It is just often easier to manipulate between your two parents when they are in different households and don't communicate other than to yell obscenities to each other during pick ups and drop offs. Kids learn very quickly what gets them results and if it works they will continue to use it.
The other thing I feel like I tend to see more in cod's versus intact families is the "entertain me" syndrome. Most parents in intact families don't feel that they have to constantly entertain their child every moment while the child is in their presence. However, a lot of these ncp's who get their kids eowe feel that it IS time to provide 48 hours of fun, entertainment, snacks, and gifts. I think it gives these kids a sense that life revolves around them.
"a lot of these ncp's who get
"a lot of these ncp's who get their kids eowe feel that it IS time to provide 48 hours of fun"
I agree with this, but also understand why they feel that way. Our BM moved skids 1600 miles away for 9 months .. nothing we could do in the courts to stop it. Most of the time, the only way we could see the skids was to go to them .. and keep them in a hotel room for a weekend at a time.
So we didn't have much choice but to constantly entertain (who wants to sit in a hotel watching tv all weekend?). I know that may be the extreme situation .. but I can see how the EOWE parent just wants to spend as much time making fun memories with their kids.
^^^^^ This!! The "entertain
^^^^^ This!! The "entertain me" syndrom describes it perfectly! My DH and BM were never married and DH has SD 50/50 but he still feels the need to constantly entertain her. She can do nothing for herself. She's very needy and clingy.
Exactly....Echo. There is no
Exactly....Echo. There is no way to tell if the skid would have turned out the same way if the parents had remained married.
I believe the biggest issue is the change in parenting in the last 20-30 years. The permissive, everyone gets a participation award, hand the child everything it wants, free-range parenting is more of the problem.
Not the lack of a man in the child's life. More of the give the kid what it wants so it leaves you alone, style of parenting causes the problem.
Wonder if we'd see less of these behaviors if the bio-parents actually used the word NO every once in a while.
I also think COD is far too
I also think COD is far too blanket of a term. Yeah, my girls are "COD" technically, but they have never been without their dad, and DH plays a huge fatherly role in their life as well. My girls have their share of "issues" as we all do. But I honestly don't believe the divorce has much to do with them. My youngest has anger issues, but that stems DIRECTLY from being of her fathers blood line. She is JUST LIKE him. It is addressed EVERY time it roars its ugly head and would be that way whether or not her father and I lived together. She was like that BEFORE we even discussed divorce. It's DNA not COD.
Well according to some
Well according to some posters, those of us who feel that way just don't like the OP of the other blog, or we are man haters.
I should probably just shut up and have sex for tutoring fees or something. Of course, I will need to wait until my period is over.
Snort!
Snort!
Alana Thompson the train
Alana Thompson the train wreck known as Honey Boo Boo has both her parents and I don't think I need to point out the rest. Suffice it to say that the theory that kids of divorce are "off" is a load of self serving BS that desperate people like to cling to so they don't have to look too closely at themselves.
WELL SAID!!
WELL SAID!!
Winna Winna Chicken Dinna!
Winna Winna Chicken Dinna!
My best friend has 3 boys
My best friend has 3 boys (they aren't COD though, they are out of wedlock, which seems to be even more common). Yes, they all have the same father but he is not around. He sees the boys maybe once a year. Doesn't pay child support. Complete piece of trash. Anyway, the boys you can just tell there is something missing in their lives. My friend is great but the boys are very angry about their father not being around. The oldest (8 years old) has "ADHD" and is very aggressive. The younger 2 are not as bad yet.. YET. I feel so sad for them. I think kids born out of wedlock are even more common than COD and I think it has the same awful consequences. People need to make better choices.