Maybe you need therapy. I wish my step son, 5,was half of the decent kid your step daughter is . sounds like the girl just pisses u off by being there

You need to look to yourself to find the answer. You probably thought you loved her, then your child was born and the feelings you felt towards him were so different you felt you didn't really love her, maybe never did. However, it may just be that when we give birth, we don't love our babies, we fall head over heals IN love with them. That's how it's supposed to be. You never had that with sd. She sounds just like any normal kid. You creating this distance between you and her will naturally cause her to gravitate to her dad and stick to him like glue when he comes home. The reality is you have been rejecting her all day, and she will feel that, no matter what you tell yourself. She needs love, we all do. But she is not only not getting any love from you, she worse still is sensing and feeling rejection from you in her own home., but not understanding it. She needs dad when he gets home, she needs reassurance she is okay. She needs to feel wanted. She is not the problem here I don't think from what you have written. I do think you need to perhaps discuss your feelings with a professional. It's okay not to love her as your own, but it's not okay to reject her. If you don't do something to help yourself here there is every chance you will damage your marriage. How would you feel,if your child ended up with a stepmother who felt towards him the way you feel towards SD. Treat her the way you would want a stepmother to treat your own child. Get professional help if need be. Your feelings are fine, your actions are not. But you can sort it out.

I dont think you need therapy. I think the problem is with your DH. Qutiing your job to stay home and take care of his child as well as your baby while he works crazy hours is unfair. Hell no. I've been there and became very resentful and i hate to say but it only got worse.

If it's any consolation. While we all love our biological children more than life itself, and would not hesitate to throw ourselves under a speeding train for them. There are days and times we when we don't like them very much. Your bio kids could spit in your face, you'd get mad, but you'd get over it, and you would forgive them for it. You would probably even make excuses for it. They were mad, or they were upset, or they werent feeling well, whatever. Your step does exactly the same thing for the same reason, and you'd go absolutely psycho over it and you would NEVER forget or forgive them for it. That is just how it is. That is perfectly normal. However we do need to remember they are kids and while you may not love or like them like it or lump it we do have as an adult and married to their dad a responsibility towards them, to do the best you can. You cannot love them as your own, they are not your own. Just do your best. That's all anyone can ask.

Char, I have been in a very similar position for the past 4 years. My SD now is 12. I have been on here seeking the same advice as you, as I'm on the brink of insanity with it all. It sounds like we have all the same challenges and complaints. I cannot really give you any good advice obviously but I can say that no it doesn't change, and it likely won't...not on it's own anyway. You probably don't need therapy for anything you're doing wrong, but it might help as in having someone to speak to about your feelings without the fear of being judged. That way, you can truthfully speak your mind and maybe get to the root of the issue, and perhaps even get some good advice from a qualified pro. And then please forward that info to me. My husband and I have not had any children together, but I do have 2 of my own from a previous marriage, and I can say that although like you, in the beginning I liked her and was excited about becoming a family and all of us blending in together, it seems that those feelings have been replaced by feelings of annoyance and resentment at how much attention she wants for herself, always wanting to be the center of everyone's universe, and I find myself always weighing the fairness of every single situation, making sure that my own biological kids are not getting less or getting the short end of the stick in any way, due to her assertiveness and sneaky ways of getting attention, and their being the quiet, easy to please, non-demanding types.

I'm not sure if this is a major part of the problem either, but I too feel I would never again become involved with someone with kids, and wonder if it would be better on my own, coming in to a quiet cozy home with just my 2. Perhaps what keeps us from just dealing with what we have now is our sitting on the fence and not being 100% committed to making it work, thinking we could just leave if it doesn't work. Best of luck.

Don't react to her hurtful comments. I would say this girl is desperate to be loved by you. You are her main career and she is spending the majority of her week with someone who is hostile towards her even if you don't mean to be. She may grow up with issues. Establishing a loving relationship with her now will save you a lot of heartache and marital troubles when she hits her teens. Have you tried to focus on what you do like about her? Or include her in your tasks so she feels wanted. Maybe she will be less clingy. Seems to me that your husband is trusting you to care for her and that is big thing. You are in the position where you can be the main influence in her life and you actually have control with a stepchild. That is something many step mums don't have. I have four Stepkids and they still cause problems for me after three years. My husband is your typical permissive dad. I've not long had a baby with my husband and i sometimes feel I would like it to be just the three of us. But my son loves his siblings and I love them for playing with him and making him smile. I have a very turbulent relationship with my SD13. The teen years are the worst. Feel so sorry for her and you. But you can change this. Just open your heart. Good luck

What do you or DH do when she insults you with' "my mommy's prettier than you'? That blatant disrespect would piss me the f*ck off!! My sd11 has said similar things to me and DH would make up an excuse-SD is tired or SD is in a bad mood. My A$$. SD is a little b8tch!! So I put a stop to that myself!!! I picked a time when DH wasn't home to save SD's a$$ and I let her have it. Things are SO much better now.
Also, if DH DOESN"T either do something about that kid's mouth or allow you to do it, you should flat out REFUSE to be in charge of a kid you're not allowed to discipline!!

Oh, Char, I'm so sorry...

I can, however, emphatically say YES, it does get better...if you're willing to work at it.

A couple points:

1. She follows you around like a puppy: My SD did that forever before I started asking her why she did it. Her usual response was either "I don't know" or "I'm bored". I outlawed the B-word in our house and told her, very frankly, that parents are not playmates and she was big enough to entertain herself. It only took repetition of that phrase about a thousand times before she started expecting it when I gave her the LOOK, but years later now, she plays on her own just fine.

2. She says hurtful things. It's because you give her a reaction -- it may not be verbal or even concious, but something that you do gives her attention, and kids at her age are looking for just that: attention. It doesn't matter if it's good attention or bad attention, but you pay attention to her when she says something mean. That's all she knows. My advice is simply to tell her, in a very flat voice, "You hurt my feelings when you say that." and then simply walk away and ignore her until she apologizes for her bad behavior. If she persists in talking to YOU, tell her without any emotion in your voice at all, "I do not like to talk to people who hurt my feelings. Please go find something else to do." and again, walk away from her. Be prepared for a tantrum (and be prepared to ABSOLUTELY ignore it) - it'll happen at least the first few times you do this.

3. The neighborhood moms don't like her and she hasn't got any friends. She may not have very good social skills, overall, and only knows how to get peoples' attention by doing bad things. We enrolled my SD in a few activities at our local Y so that she would have supervised practice at her social skills - we started with ballet, then swim, then karate. Gradually, she has learned how to make friends in a better way. Are there any group activities in your area that you might be able to help build her social skills with?

Whatever you do, do NOT give in to your kneejerk reactions to yell at the child, to call her names, or to ignore her outright. In the end, she's still a kid, and still young enough for you to fix this with some persistence. If you want to have a good relationship through her teenage years, start now.

Good luck, OP

Why not just say, I'm sure you think that, but it is very rude to say it, ad just let it go. She will learn that if she is insulting to you, you will put her in her place. You can do this without fighting with a child.

It's just not that easy to be defending your character on an also daily basis constructively. Especially when you are getting no support from H. If it was every other Sunday you have a chance. I ended up looking at my SD10 as if she was a horror film child. Now I react about 3x weekly with SD 13. Her dads so stupid with her and she knows how to push me. School will help with social skills and a break for you. For petes sake your like a 24/7 nanny. I don't even want to see my own kids that much!! Get a break and make him pay for it!

It's not your responsibility to watch SD. I can see why you are resentful. It's not like you had some rinky dink job that was not bringing in any money so you might as well stay home. You had a great career. I can relate to that because I am an accountant and can never see myself sitting home with kids all day (no offense to those who do- just not for me). If I were you, I would let your DH know you are going to work part time (since you do want to be home with your biochild and probably don't want to go back full time) and he will have to make arrangements for SD. You do not need to pay for her daycare. If he wants to work a ton of hours, he can pay for it or cut back the hours and stay home with her. Seriously, screw that.

Regarding the skid following you around, I can relate to that as well. My SD is 5 and we have her every other week. From the moment she walks in the door until the moment she is gone, she is up my DH's ass. He can't even go to the bathroom without her trying to follow him in there. If he stops walking she will literally bump into him, that's how close she follows him. I never get any alone time with DH until she's gone. So no wonder why I dread her coming and can't wait for her to be gone.

You are definitely not alone!!

If your DH has noticed these clingy, whiny behaviors, and is up for trying to help SD fix them, there is some retraining that can happen. (When I started writing I didn't realize this is mostly happening when DH isn't around. I think you should discreetly talk to the other moms if you are close, and ask if these are the behaviors she is exhibiting outside the home as well, and maybe why she doesn't have a lot of friends? You and DH would be doing her a big favor in trying to help her with this now, so she can have friends and then be able to go to their houses to give you a break! AND until then he should pay for her to be in daycare at least one to two days a week) You may have tried the below, and every situation is different, but the below really worked for us!

I too, used to be followed into every room. Interrupted all the time when talking to DH, and SSons burst into every room without knocking- including the bathroom (luckily I have always been smart enough to LOCK, in an all boy household, but I have literally had conversations through the door of- can this wait for five minutes???? with their little fingers prying underneath!!) NO BOUNDARIES!!!!! I lived alone for years before moving in with them, and felt like a raw nerve because of things like this...

Annoying, but you know what? They look up to us and want to be near us!!! We could have worse step issues right? Also, by talking about it with skids, I found out emotionally stunted BM just gets up and leaves a room when she is mad and never talks about it. So when I was just trying to disappear for a few minutes they thought they did something WRONG and made me mad!!! I was like- no, I tell you when I am mad, right? }:) but after that, they weren't so concerned about my whereabouts every second.

I think setting aside special time for you and her (no baby or DH) and other time for just she and DH would do wonders for her. This would help her feel loved and secure and not just cast aside for new baby (NOT saying you are doing this, but she may feel this way). It doesn't have to be anything crazy, maybe going out for hot cocoa one am, just you and her. (My ssons lit up with the biggest grins when we said we were going to divide and conquer them by each parent taking one for a fun adventure, then switching kids/parents the next night. The fun adventure was just playing soccer for an hour, taking them to a movie, etc, but they LOVED the individual attention) Giggle, have fun, and try to recapture what you loved about SD in the beginning. If you feel hesitant about this- if you are too tired and don't have the energy or feel like you are too busy because of the baby- then you know SD can feel that and it might be adding to her behavior (try to find the time and energy!). She seems like a sensitive kid, and it sounded like you had a good relationship with her. Try to regain that now before she is a teenager!!

I have said to my steps "it seems like you are looking for something to do. Why don't you find the new book Grammy gave you and have some quiet time in the living room reading? That is all I am doing up here- I just need 30 minutes (started lower). Sometimes adults just need a little time, and then later tonight we can all _____ watch something, play a favorite game, etc as a family". This comforts the skids and lets them know you DO care about them and that you ARE coming back to family time. Especially for steps that have always been the center of their bios universe, this has to be learned behavior. If they bring these behaviors into adult life they are going to have a hard time (imagine them interrupting a board meeting to ask an assanine question of their boss in the meeting that *just* *couldn't* *wait*!!!)

Praise her for big girl behaviors, enlist her help with simple tasks when she is home since she is a big girl, and find out what she likes to do solo- read? knit? climb trees (with you observing)? Give her opportunities to gain confidence by doing these things. Eventually as she learns the things she likes to do, she will leave you alone more and more, and someday you might find yourself following her into a room and saying "whatcha doin?" Best of luck!

I absolutely disagree with the posters who claim that it is your fault and that SD is such a good kid.From what SD says to you I have to say she sounds highly manipulative and even if she is on the outside "good" she knows exactly how hurtful her comments are - she needs to be told how to behave PLUS also learn how to respect other people's space.Not such an angel if you ask me.

It is not your fault but you have the life skills that a 5 year old just doesn't have. Be interested to know if her starting school makes a difference or not. And from my personal experience my baby son ( now 18 months) I absolutely loves his siblings. From about 6 months their appearance every week actually was welcome as they kept him happy and the younger three were less focused on me.