Husband Says they are a package deal.
I am so annoyed with my 12 year old SD. We have 100% custody. The BM ran off to Europe & if she ever comes back there is an arrest warrant out for her. This means no breaks. I was sold on a SD that could "almost take care of herself" & "every other weekend to ourselves", well 3 years later & if I don't scream my head off there is no showering, brushing teeth, clean cloths what ever & no weekends off.
Her father doesnt notice these things, yet I see them like they are in neon. Then I'm annoyed with her for not taking care of herself, I'm annoyed at him for not noticing & then he is annoyed with my for bringing it up again.
Don't get me wrong I'm glad she doesn't see her BM cuz that would cause more probs for SD. I don't want her around that horrible women for my SD safety.
I just don't even want to be in the same room with my SD. Every word out of her mouth is a lie, she manipulates her father, & tries to tick me off. I know that sounds like generic kid stuff but its everyday, all day & I'm almost @ my end.
She makes up stories about bullies @ school, tries to get me to confront the mothers & I find out from the principal & counselor it is really my SD that is the bully. She tells me she set me up she wanted me to get in a fight with the other mothers.
She is absolutely helpless. She wont eat unless I make her something. If left alone she will wait to eat until dinner. We have plenty of easy stuff to eat, sandwiches, left overs, cereal...chips..everything. I have ignored this but it drives me crazy. No, she is not anorexic, because it I make something she eats it. If I made her a sandwich she would eat it, but she will not make it herself.
When my husband & I get into fights about her he says "we are a package deal". I understand that but feel like I'm all alone.
I know others have it far worse, but I don't know if I can last another 6 years until she is 18.
Yes they are a package deal.
Yes they are a package deal. I suggest you remind your DH that he and HIS daughter make up a package. He needs to step up to his share of parenting.
Sounds like he is MIA. As far as the bullying, lies, etc - just refer that to him. Cook when you want to. No need to be a short order cook for either of them.
Let him help her. After all they are a "package". Don't waste your energy on thankless tasks that don't really require your involvement.
Right, oldone. Apparently
Right, oldone. Apparently because they are a package, OP needs to just shut up about it already and cook 'em dinner!
I love how DH's who say "we're a package deal" thinking that'll shut up the stepparent and get them off the hook in the parenting department.
And OP, I can't stand being in the same room as my SS either sometimes, and not today. And he's not that bad a kid, nothing like your SD. He's just a very insecure huge dork and always competing for attention. But now I must play nicey nice and eat dinner with the kid at the table. I will be eating quite fast.
I'm just having one of those days, I don't always feel this way. But your SD is a bad seed, so don't feel guilty about not wanting to be around her.
This is absolutely right. It
This is absolutely right. It won't get better until something changes .. and if your DH sees nothing wrong, he won't be the one doing the changing ..
The best thing to do, is to
The best thing to do, is to do like I, DISENGAGE!
^^^Love this comment,
^^^Love this comment, fightin.
Even if she was your own
Even if she was your own biological daughter. If she didn't eat between meals who cares. Why would you EVER fix her a sandwich or get her a snack between meals. Leave it. If she's eating the meals your prepare that's good. She's playing you and your in the game. Stop playing. Don't ask if she's eaten or hungry between meals. If she tells you she needs a snack, tell her to fix it herself and don't argue with her. As far as showering goes, same thing. Unless she's going out with you and embarrassing you, let it go. The teacher and her peers will get through to her faster than you ever will. As for the package deal. It is high time your DH stepped up and took care of his part of the package. So any more bullying complaints or need to go to school dad can take time off work to do it. See how many times it happens after he has to put himself out. Time to share that package around girl, it's not all for you. You've been greedy. Start sharing with dad and SD. Give them some responsibility, after all that's all that package contained.
To an extent, I agree that
To an extent, I agree that they're a package deal. She's dependent on him 100% financially as a minor.
But he may want to start truly helping his daughter become a happier person by teaching her good hygiene habits. Because right now, he's not doing her any favors. He should consider getting her counseling.
We struggled with this
We struggled with this unfortunately normal kid behavior with bothmy SS-21 and my SIL-26 when they were in their teens.
It took a while to come to this conclusion but we found that public humiliation is a great method for getting the personal hygiene point across. When e were going out in public we would not let our son or SIL go with us if they were not appropriately bathed and clothed. End of problem.
If they had body funk, breath funk or dirty clothes they were banished. To escalate on a couple of occassions we let them go with us then sent them away from our restaurant table to wait in the parking lot for us to finish our meal. "You reek so bad it is making me nauseus. Go wait by the car until I am done eating."
It only takes one or two incidents of calling them out in public on it and they get the hint.
Others have said much of what
Others have said much of what I agree with--stop allowing this. Yes she needs a loving home as it seems she's in a situation that BM created and that's tough on a kid. BUT that doesn't mean she gets to run the house or do all kinds of crazy things unchecked, just to get attention.
Other thoughts:
At 12, the things you mentioned should be well in place, especially for a girl! What preteen wants to be nasty and dirty? The fact that she will eat but only when you give in and cater to her as if she's a toddler, says she's happy manipulating you. Don't know what kind of care she received as a toddler/young kid b/c she appears to be arrested development, seeking now what she may not have gotten then. Sad but not your issue.
You are SECONDARY responsibility. DH is sitting on his laurels quite content. You are not the person to be dealing with the school, her hygiene or food. That's HIS job when it becomes an issue like this. If you stop dealing with it, He will have to and he'll have no choice but to see her for who she is becoming -due to his lack of involvement- and he'll have to address it. He may be a package but when he married you, he became part of a Team and sounds to me like he's a sh&tty teammate!
The Big Kicker:
This will not change at 18. Sure, she'll be washing her butt by then but she will not suddenly mature and head off to College out of your hair. She's on a path to being expelled or quitting school at this rate. Check out the Adult Stepchildren Page--shivers!
And your dear old DH sits on his ass with his rose-colored glasses on. Great for him. Now, complete his outfit by giving over your gloves full of her sh*t and let him deal with his Package.
she sounds like a sociopath.
she sounds like a sociopath. i've got a package deal too, no BM, I have skid 24/7 as well. I feel your pain. try to disengage as much as you can, let him deal with HIS kid. Good luck!