SO failing to create some boundaries with BM

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It's been a while since I've been on here, which I guess means that things have been going well! SO and I found a house together and moved in together about six weeks ago. Everything has been going so smooth on the skid front that it kind of surprised me - I was expecting more problems. BM has been to our house when dropping the kids off the first time they stayed over and we even had a polite and pleasant conversation. She also invited me into her house the other day when we were dropping the skids off at hers again. SS7 is talking to me and playing with me with no reservations and SD13 and I are getting along well. She was ill the other day for instance and had to be brought home from school. BM usually takes care of this but the school nor SO could get hold of her this time, so he asked me whether I would mind looking after SD until BM came to pick her up (he was at work). Seeing as I had nothing else planned for the day I said fine, and SD and I chatted for three hours before I took her home. So, all in all, it's going really well.

The one thing that still bothers me is SO's relationship with BM. I talked to him about boundaries and how it hurts me when he goes out pretending to still be a family. So he has now stopped taking BM along to the cinema with the kids and other events, and is taking me along instead. However, he still insists that he needs to show the kids that he and BM are still united in their parenting and don't hate each other's guts - supposedly to make things easier for the kids. BM is moving house (only around the block so it won't affect visitation) and asked SO to move her stuff over in his van. And SO, surprise surprise, said yes. So he has spent the last couple of Sundays - the only days he's off work - with BM, moving some of her things around, and will be doing the same for the next couple of weeks too. That means BM is getting all his spare time and I'm hardly seeing him at all. Personally I don't see why she couldn't have just hired a moving company, but apparently this is all for the sake of being united in parenting. Don't know how SO figured that one out, but there you go.

And a couple of hours ago, he was supposed to pick SS up for an overnight stay and make his way here. I've just called him now because I was expecting him to be home by now and he was still at BM's...

I have been quietly disapproving about all these things and I'm sure SO knows I'm not happy about him doing these kinds of things. The thing is, I can understand if he were stopping off at BM's house or she was coming here to have a chat about how one of the skids is having a problem at school, or to get an update on SD's medical condition. I wouldn't even have a problem with him doing stuff with the skids and BM together occasionally, so long as I'm invited. But I feel that SO is still overstepping boundaries with BM, and that BM is doing the same by asking him things like helping her move. Do you think I'm right in being annoyed about this, or am I just overreacting?

He's still involved with BM.

He's still involved with BM. More than friends.

You are not overreacting.

You are not overreacting. They are still emotionally married. I have been there and feel for you.

I just read this to DF. He

I just read this to DF. He laughed and said "He lives with one woman and gets to openly date/hang out with another."

I agree!! I don't want to say

I agree!! I don't want to say they are involved BUT I think the Ex is aware of how this looks to another woman and is quite content with it as it gives her an Ego kick. She knows if SHE met another guy, he wouldn't put up with her Ex being around that much and in those non-kid related manners, just to show "amicable relationship".

I mean who takes a Month to move and who the heck agrees to help that much!?? That's her responsibility to deal with and has nothing to do with the kids.

I believe if he doesn't want to put up boundaries, she has to decide if he's ready for anything further with him.

"So he has now stopped taking

"So he has now stopped taking BM along to the cinema with the kids and other events, and is taking me along instead. " :jawdrop:

"BM is moving house (only around the block so it won't affect visitation)" :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Oh girl, you gotta put your foot down about this now. Overreacting, hell no! Actually I think you're under reacting. Your SO is out of control. My ex-bf did all of the above, he actually had the nerve to call me the A team and BM the B team in an effort to placate me when I objected to him taking BM with the kids to see fireworks. He told me he was going to offer to help her move, I told him he couldn't do it. Then he went car shopping with her and the kids and helped her put a down payment on her car. I pitched a royal fit over that. A few months later I broke it off with him.

I found a better man who is not attached to BM, they almost never communicate, just saying, there's better fish out there. I'm not saying you're at the break up stage, but I just hope you feel empowered to stand up for your rights knowing that there are men out there who do have boundaries with the BMs and your SO needs to know this.

OMG you're going to live around the corner from BM?

I strongly recommend no more picking up BM's and SO's parenting slack. Just because you don't have plans, does not mean it's your job to pick up the kids from school. I know, I know, you were just doing a favor that one time, but there will be another time he needs a favor, and yet another time he needs a favor, and so on. And with BM living so close, oh gosh, before you know it you will become the free nanny and chauffeur for BM and SO's kids.

And I don't have kids of my own, so I know what it's like to be with a guy who thinks just because I don't have my own kids I have all the time in the world to take care of his. Nope, I set a lot of boundaries, some of which my SO was not happy about, but he got over it, because he knew overall I was a better deal than most of the women he's been with in the past. And he doesn't have to deal with another woman's kids! bonus.

So don't be afraid to draw some lines and put your foot down. Good luck!

Dollars to donuts they still

Dollars to donuts they still have sex at least occasionally.

"And a couple of hours ago,

"And a couple of hours ago, he was supposed to pick SS up for an overnight stay and make his way here. I've just called him now because I was expecting him to be home by now and he was still at BM's..." Now I see why oldone is saying they may still be having sex.

I glossed over that sentence. catgirl, this is wrong on so many levels. Your SO is even more attached to BM than many of the overly attached DH's I read about on this site. It's not good.

Take it from me, I dated the same kind of guy as your SO, and I saw all the signs but I didn't trust my feelings, and also wondered if I overreacted. Regardless of whether they're having sex, what your SO is doing is a serious violation of his commitment to you, and he gets the bonus of getting someone to share his living expenses with.

The only reason I know my ex-bf didn't have sex with BM is because BM was not attracted to him at all, he wasn't all that when I dated him. But BM used him like an errand boy and interrupted our time together and I don't know when ex-bf and I ever had a weekend alone without BM interrupting and ex-bf rushing to her rescue.

Seriously think about what's going on here. You deserve better treatment, whether it's by your SO or by another man.

Amen.

Thanks for your responses

Thanks for your responses everyone, and for reassuring me that I'm not just overreacting.

I'm confident that SO and BM are not having sex, not in the least because BM has now turned lesbian. Besides, it's just not his style. He's always been very outspoken when his friends have cheated on their partners. But I agree that they're still too involved with each other emotionally.

Personally I think BM is relying too much on SO and she shouldn't have asked SO to help her move in the first place. Turns out she still has some of his stuff at her house as well, like his guitar which he only brought home the other day after moving some of BM's stuff. They divorced well over three years ago now, he shouldn't still have things in her house. But it's also SO's fault for always doing things for her, fixing her car and doing DIY that she can't manage. I think he has created an expectation in her that he will do all these things, because that's what he's always done since they split up.

As for BM living close to us, that's actually our fault. We moved from the city centre to the suburbs, and this was the most suitable place we found even though it is close to BM. There was also a nice house which was literally the next street up from BM's but I vetoed that one! BM's place will be about a half hour walk from our house when she's moved which is close enough for easy access to the kids but not right in my face either. I can accept that.

But yeah. SO keeps saying that BM is the mother of his kids and therefore he'll be connected to her for life. What with me being his first serious relationship since the divorce, I quite agree that he and BM have not yet worked out what an acceptable level of involvement in each other's lives entails. The problem I have is how to explain this to SO without sounding jealous or unreasonable.

This is so wrong on so many

This is so wrong on so many levels. I get along with BM, and yes my husband talks to his ex-wife on the phone from time to time but he has NEVER set foot in his ex-wife's house.

The louder they are at

The louder they are at disproving of others behavior the more it's just to deflect their own. BM obviously wasn't/isn't always lesbian. Look point is he has his cake and eats snickers on the side. It's a bad mix for a diabetic and a couple too. Every bell is going off in my head, My exh and I still "got along for the kids" for 2 months after the divorce was final and our visits/interactions had nada to do with the kids. Luckily neither of us were dating others and I realized I was just continuing my misery. My exh's mistress' I later figured out were most nice to me while they were screwing my man. Beware something's fishy.

Thanks again for your

Thanks again for your comments everyone. Dtzyblnd said it exactly right there - BM is relying on SO to be the 'man' in her life. I couldn't have put it better. And SO, sadly, is happily going along with it. Just because BM has the kids most of the time does NOT mean he should be fixing her car, or doing her DIY, or moving her. It's inappropriate, especially because it eats into the time I have with him and the 'family' time SO and I could be having with the skids.

I wouldn't say I'm friends with BM, we get along most of the time but she's the kind of person where she's very pleasant one moment and then practically ignores me the next. Not the kind of person I would choose to try and befriend!

Question for you -- all these

Question for you -- all these days off that he's spending moving BM to her new home, where are the SK's? Are they with you? Or are they with BM?

No sense in saying they are showing a "united front" when the sk's are with you and DH/BM are somewhere else.

I would have huge problems with this. In fact, I DID have huge problems with this not too long after DH and I got married. BM would call and want him to work on her car (kids need a car with good brakes!), unclog a drain (kids need a drain that's not clogged!), getting them signed up for a sport (kids need you to be there to write your phone number down!).

And all this time -- she was MARRIED! I could see in DH's eyes that those requests were playing on his heartstrings (for the kids) but it was utter and complete bullshit on her part. 1) Go to Midas Brakes; 2) Call Rotorooter; 3) You know his effin' phone number, you blow up his phone every weekend.

She didn't "want" DH (because she was already married) but she wanted to prove a point to me -- that she still "had it" in the DH department and wanted to make it clear than when she whistled, he'd salivate and run to her like Pavlov's dog.

Be careful!

Buckle your seatbelt. Once

Buckle your seatbelt. Once he starts enforcing boundaries, things will not be so smooth anymore.