" Counsellor said that yes the attachment post divorce probably caused SD confusion about her role and status."

I agree with the counselor-this happens in divorced families. Not all, but many.

Is sd seeing a counselor too? Maybe she could benefit from a neutral party listening to her and teaching her healthier coping and venting skills, and helping her find ways she can become more independent from Dad.

No it doesn't get better. In fact often it gets worse. My SD is horrible and has done so much to try and break DH and I up it is unbelievable. She was on a mission and I disengaged. If I was not in her company she had nothing to bitch about. The only way to deal with adult steps intent on causing trouble.

I can only write from expereince but unless SD gets counselling herself and the counselor tries to resolve this attachment issue, things will not get better.

My SD was devestated by her parents' divorce. It appears SD was so affected by it that her maturity level froze at that time. Her anger, sadness and loss of power were never addressed by either a counselor or her parents. She too seemed to take on a certain role which was not that of a daughter. A good part of the this was due to DH not taking on the role of a good Father and Husband. I am not sure of what the outcome would have been if she had counselling because she is a narcissist, but at the time of the divorce it might have helped. Marriage did not help. She still seems sadly - lost.

It is really good your DH is taking the responsibility to lovingly steer SD into being an independent individual. It appears your DH agrees with the counselor. If so this will help a lot because he will show his daughter that you are 'united' in marriage.

I'm only writing from my experience, and it's not even my experience as a step parent: it's as a step child. I used to loathe my stepdad when I was around 13-14. He had two daughters about my age and it always seemed like even my own mom liked being around them more than me. They were girly girls who loved going to the mall with her and talking about their boyfriends and I was more reserved and quiet. I often felt like they were the daughters she always wished she had had and felt largely like the black sheep of the family. So it went from feeling left out to outright hatred of my step dad and it grew into a sullen resentment for a few years and then around the time I graduated high school and realized I was an adult and going off to college, I realized my step dad was sort of a normal human being, and my mom loved him and it wasn't my step-sisters' fault that they got along better with my mom than I did. He had never really done me any harm other than enforcing discipline that I hated, and in a lot of ways it made me a better person. When I had to drop out of college because of lack of money, I joined the Army and we actually bonded A LOT. It took time, but we went from flat out hatred of one another in the teen years to awkward indifference to something that actually resembles an healthy relationship. No joke, I actually call him up to talk to him from time to time, and he calls me. It's not even cordial for my mom's sake: I actually sort of like the guy. Granted, I'm 27 and it took tough love and learning from my own life mistakes and joining the military to make me see it, but I got there, and I think he softened up and changed over time too.

Honestly I imagine most of the answers you'll get on this site are that "NO! IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!" but when you think about it, this forum probably isn't the most representative cross-section of all step parent-child relations. Hell, it's billeted as "where step parents come to vent." I think most people that seek out help or a place to vent on the Internet are already at their wit's end and feel like they're sinking into black holes. The people with normal relationships with their step kids, parents and otherwise blended families probably don't come around here much, so the sample is largely skewed.

But in my own experience as a step child, it did get better.

OMG! NO! In my experience the mould is set. SD was 12 when I entered her life - 35 when DH died. The co-dependency (encouraged by DH) was fostered, I believe, from birth. As she got older she just got more devious. When her kids arrived she had the supreme weapons with which to inflict maximum misery on me.
Yes, I've done the whole shebang. Made excuses for her when she was a child, understood her pain, tried to befriend etc etc.
Banging your head on a brick wall does not begin to describe it.
'Therapists' sometimes p*** me off big time.
Oh, how wonderful to have had a perfect childhood!!!
How many of us actually did? Me? We were poor. My dad gambled away every penny whilst mum struggled to feed and clothe us. There wasn't a lot of time for loving hugs, kisses, and confidence building. We muddled through and grew up. Did it turn us 5 into social misfits? Hell no. We learned reality. Without exception we all turned out decent citizens - using our wits and experiences, producing businesses or holding down good jobs. Providing for our kids, building good lives, having compassion and care.
What 'normal' adult wouldn't want to see their parent happy? It's the same as wanting to see your kids happy. I'm not diminishing the pain a child feels when their parents split up, but as 'adults' surely the love they have for their mum or dad should over-ride any negative feelings they have towards a new partner. At least to the extent they can be civil????
These resentful, selfish, entitled, spoiled brats do not change. BUT - they cannot do it without the colaboration of your DH. There lies the key.
If he is forever bleating he's 'piggy in the middle' - poor him! you have no chance.
Maybe in life there are some 'wicked stepmums'. Women who have no time for their new husband's previous offspring, but I believe any woman who comes to this board in desperation to solve SK problems, is caring and compassionate and does not deserve the life of misery this dynamic can produce.
I'm sorry if all this sounds negative - but I had 23 years of it waiting and hoping things would change. People said to me 'when she gets married it will stop' HA! IT GOT WORSE!
I often thought - and said, to those close to me - 'It's exactly like he's got another woman - but without the sex'. And 'they' had a perfect cover. 'Stepmum' is JEALOUS of our close relationship! Easy to pass off - hard to defend.
If your DH makes every damned excuse in the book for her, and never admits she's in the wrong - just run for the hills.
She will make you No. 2 forever.

Mine are in their thirties. The older they got, the worse they got. Then when they had babies. That was the last straw. The daughter used the baby as a weapon. If daddy wanted to see it, he had to leave me. This from a grown woman. Needless to say in two years DH hasn't seen it.

Every situation is different, but the old saying, if someone shows you who they are believe them. Seems to come through this site over and over. If they start out this way, it seems they intend to go on this way. I sincerely wish you all the best of luck. My steps are and forever will be out of my life. It wasn't how I wanted things, but you know what. The daughter made it clear from day one that I would never be part of HER family. I tried for and put up with her abuse for 8 years. I should've just listened to her in the first place. What she wanted was what she got. Well except for daddy. See she wanted me out of his life too.

My DH's adult babies are getting worse every day. It amazes me that they can get worse, but they do. They constantly make bad choices, but they are never at fault----every one else is always to blame. I think it is going to take a miracle for them to change because they do not think there is anything wrong.

I honestly believe as long as the father refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, worse makes excuses and blames others for the behaviour of his adult kids, blames the ex for turning them against him and so on and so on and so in, then of course it will get worse because the main tumour is the father the kids are just growths off the main tumour. If you want to save the kids, remove the tumour.

I've known my ss15 since age 1. Does it get better? Yes because we no longer have any contact with him. That has just occurr in the last year. Prior to that I would say no, it definitely does not get better but rather much much worse. A least ss got much much worse- my dh did start getting better and began being more supportive.

In my experience it did improve.

Dh's eldest was great from 15/16 when we first met up until 18. Then from 18-22 an absolute nightmare. It got much better when I finally disengaged. Then she changed and went back to being great for a few years. I reengaged with bells on.

Then she went back to being a nightmare up until just recently when she seems to be improving again. I'm still disengaged and plan to stay that way.

And this I think is key to it becoming better. Since you can't always change other's behavior, you can control your response to it. Disengaging takes away the stress, the anger, the frustration and hopelessness and replaces it with peace and contentment knowing you only have the people in your life who are good energy and want to be around, and have ditched the ones like the step-monsters who are nothing but bad bad bad energy

As for ysd, dh still goes overboard and acts out of guilt and fear. However, I stay out of if as it's his issue not mine. I focus on an ever-growing good relationship with her and things just continue to get better where our relationship is concerned.

Best wishes with your situation! I can be soooo hard. I hope as your sd does age she will emotionally start to catch up somewhat and at least have a tolerable if not good relationship with you in future

I can not talk from too much experience (a little over 4 years) and my SDs have moved from early teens to late teens since I have known them. I do agree with some of the other comments in that I have found my relationship with my SDs ebbs and flows. To begin with they loved me to bits and wanted me around, well ESD did hough YSD wasn't particularly bothered. I think this was a mixture of me being new in their lives and a bit of a novelty and the fact that ESD had a difficult relationship with her mother. Then over the next couple of years ESD became distant from me and didn't bother with me at all even though I had befriended with her and bonded with her and did a lot for her. I believe it is because their mother became jealous of our relationship and went from being a mother who didn't seem to want her kids around to being all over them. I believe this was the reason for the demise of mine and ESD's friendship. But that's fine by me, I would prefer that she has a happy and healthy relationship with her mother as they didn't get along in her younger teens. So I disengaged and it made me feel so much better. Just lately though ESD seems to be warming to me again.

We have a civil relationship - I am kind and caring towards my stepkids but inside I feel pretty indifferent. I do it for my DP.

My guess is that over the years to come my relationship with my stepkids will be ever-changing but so long as I remain neutral and am no longer affected by their behaviour towards me, I am protected and I am unaffected by them.

Jocasta you are in a good place - without expectations. It is so soul-destroying to invest love, friendship, time, attention and care into something that blows hot and cold.
Indifference is key.

In my experience the step children were groomed to have a bad attitude toward me (or any woman their father would marry.) Things never got better with the step-children despite my wasting 16 years of time trying to ingratiate myself to them and their mother (the ex). Advice: save yourself the grief and limit how much time you try fixing the broken-mess in terms of step children.
ps: To some degree whether or not it works depends on the type of ex-wife who is their mother & the children themselves.

Got worse for me

I'm new here! Hi everyone! and HOLY S%*t! I'm engaged to an amazing man and father. I have 2 girls 11 and 14 and he has 2 boys 16 and 12. NIGHTMARE! his kids hate my guts. BM has poisoned them against me, while shes remarried 2 w twins of her own.shes also bi-polar with boarderline personality disorder and refuses to let ex move on. Now, the children are ok to my face, but I know mixing this bunch is a disaster waiting to happen. they all talk behind my back, call me names and say nasty thing about my girls. so we are trying a new approach. All the struggles I read my heart sinks in sadness! WHY IS THIS SO HARD! WHY CANT KIDS JUST BE NICE PEOPLE! we are going to therapy and we are approaching this as a life long venture. I wont move in w him I simply know its an atom bomb waiting. Does Karma exist? do they ever get theirs???
we are engaged and happily so, we will marry but live a apart. To many this makes no sense, but I just cant see what molding everyone together would either! are there any happy step-families out there?? :O

Husband and I have been together for 24 years. Husband had full custody of his two sons which means he and I raised the boys. Things were fine until we announced we were getting married and they have only got worse with time. I have not see or spoke to the oldest boy in something like 7 years, he only occasionally emails his dad. The younger boy has a little more contact with his dad but none with me.

For all the hell these adult kids put us through, and as much as I pray to God I never set eyes on my husbands family ever again, part of me feels very sorry for them. I will never forget or forgive them for what they have done. I accept completely they will never change, unfortunately for them they are incapable of it.

They were not born rotten, self centred, self absorbed, selfish, vindictive, spiteful, hateful, spoilt brats with an overinflated sense of self and entitlement. They were raised to be these things. One parent alone could not do this amount of damage. It takes two. Two very selfish, self centred, self absorbed parents who each cared more about themselves than they did their children. These children were raised from birth to adulthood believing the world was their oyster, because their father, my husband, had his first child back in the seventies because he hated his wife and thought having a baby would make it easier to stay in the marriage. Baby number two came along because that's what you do, and the most evil of the three, baby number three, the only daughter and youngest child born into an Italian family, well that baby was an accident. Mum, well, she had been raised as an only child by an elderly aunt and uncle. They were set in their ways. Never allowed her to even make her own bed. She was totally dependent on them. Then she became totally dependent on my husband. In effect these kids were being raised by another kid, someone who had not been raised to be a healthy, well adjusted, independent adult, therefore incapable of teaching her children those attributes.

My husband has a personality disorder. He needs to feel "special, likes to be up on a pedestal, wants everyone to like him." He was unable to teach his children independence either. He didn't support his wife and children and encourage them to grow. He used his wife's inability to function alone against her, and ultimately his children. In keeping them dependent, in making sure they could do nothing for themselves, he crippled them. But hell, he had a lot of years where his family and friends saw him as a hero, the saviour of that family. They criticised his wife and kids for doing nothing, felt so sorry for DH because he had such a load to carry. He loved it. He looked like the smart, intelligent man he wants the world to think he is,. As an added bonus his Italian mother fussed over him because of his sorry lot in life. He was having a ball.

When his kids got older, when he had three adult kids in their early twenties who had never worked a day in their lives, and for whom he had supplied cars, insurance, petrol registration and so on, every mouthful of food and every item of clothing, as well as entertainment. When he was still going home to take away food and a filthy house almost 30 years later and he saw that as well as all of this, they were all spending his money, he didn't like that. He hated the very situation he worked so hard to create. So he left. He married a useless wife, encouraged her to not only stay that way, but to become more and more dependant on him, and raised his children the same way. All to make him feel needed, special and important. Then he got sick of it, and walked away. Any wonder they hated him. Why they still do.

That being said, many people failed my husband too. Certainly his parents did not address his personality disorder. They had to keep up the "perfect family" pretext to he world. He was their first child and only son. He was the exhaulted boy, a position of importance that he grew accustomed to, and could not live without. What hope did his kids really have.

Ahh! The gift of hindsight. It has taken me years to learn what the hell was going on in this family. While understanding it helps, it doesn't make it easy. Had I known. Hell would freeze over before before I would ever put myself in this position again. I the one who suffered most because I loved my husband more than I ever thought possible, and because of that, seeing the truth, hurt like hell, and I was also suffering at the hands of the whole damn lot of them, with a husband who would not lift a finger to stop the hell his family, the daughter in particular was putting me through, because he wanted them to like him. The pain and disappointment of him abandoning me in that way, was worse than if he had physically abandoned me. However, on a very positive note. I am lucky. I have grown stronger, wiser, and more independent than the whole lot of them together could ever hope to be. I have survived this family and grown from the experience.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone though. Not at all.

Parenting, in general, gets much more difficult as kids get older. I've said, time and again, that it's much more difficult parenting young adults than it is babies/toddlers/school-aged kids. I think when you add the "blended family" concept into the mix, the workload gets even heavier. I've been lucky to have a pretty good relationship with my stepkids for most of their lives (met them at 4 and 7, married to their dad since since they were 9 and 12). They lived with mom and visited us until high school, at which time, both decided they wanted to live with us. So, you could say, I spent a lot more time with them during the years when you'd expect more difficulties....adolescent/teen/young adult years. We had some rough times with SS, but as he's gotten older, that relationship has returned to baseline. SD is 20, and at present is making my hair gray, but my hope is that "this too shall pass". She seems to be stuck at the maturational age of 16/17. While I realize they are both adults, I also know that we never really stop "parenting" our kids. Hell, I'm nearly 50 and my mom (and step-mom!) are still a very real presence in my life....and I'm glad! So, does it get better? Yes. Does it get worse? Yes. Hopefully it all comes full circle, and the years of love, hard work, traditions, are enough to maintain a warm relationship. Best of luck to you....it's not easy, but it IS doable!

nicksmom

If you we're dealing with we'll adjusted adults it'd be doable. It is impossible if both parents are trying to get the kids to like them best.

^^^that^^^ what dtzyblnd said. That's been my approach since March. And I feel much saner. Not my kid, not my problem!!!