How long is too long of an engagement?

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FDH asked me almost two years ago, without a ring, without anyone else knowing.
He said he wanted it to be a big event (the actual official engagement)

But it's now almost two years, and still nothing,...

He has apparently told the kids he wants to marry me, and they have talked about ways to ask me...
And he took them ring shopping last August LAST AUGUST! I know for certain he has had the ring since November,...the kids let it slip...

I'm getting to where I won't even be surprised or happy about it...

We already live together, been together for over 3 and a half years,....

I think when he finallly does it I'll think "well it's about time!"
ANd even then we will have to START planning a wedding,...

This is feeling like a VERY long engagement

I disagree on the living

I disagree on the living part. I've been living with FDH for the last ten months. We set our wedding date two months ago and he proposed on Tuesday. Living together didn't change our commitment to each other or our desire to wed, if anything it showed us just how well matched we are.

We set a date, yes. He had

We set a date, yes. He had asked without a ring, so we moved forward in our planning. He formally proposed on Tuesday.

Meh, not as strange as one of

Meh, not as strange as one of my friends engagement. Her DH bought the ring, had her wear it and formally asked a week before the wedding. It's working for us, he wanted to ask (and did) but lacked the hardware. The planning was done because I agreed and we both earnestly want to be married. Beyond that we are formally engaged now with a date so...

I lived with my husband

I lived with my husband before we wed. We still got married. In my opinion it depends on the timing, surrounding events, and personal circumstances.
To the original poster, nudge him! Make it clear your feelings about the situation. Not in a negative light but put out some catalogs, suggest dates. If he is anything like my husband, you have to be specific.

^^ agree.

agree.

-__- your not

-__- your not engaged

Sorry

What a dick...

I am sorry. That sucks. He

I am sorry. That sucks. He did that to appease you.

My guy offered to marry me without the ring, wedding, etc... to help with a very bad health insurance issue. I told him NO WAY was I getting engaged or married without a real experience. So, no. I won't be engaged without a ring. I won't be secretly married for insurance purposes.

The kids know more about your

The kids know more about your engagement than you do. I have a huge problem with that. What did he do, ask them for a vote? Sorry to be so glib, but I have concerns about the kids knowing more about the status of your "engagement" than you do. I think your man has his priorities mixed up.

My SO brought up for the first time a romantic trip to Jamaica right in front of SS. And I got onto him for that. Regarding things that concern only me and SO, I get to know about it first, and later on he can tell SS, not the other way around, or not SS and me together at the same time.

Getting an engagement ring

Getting an engagement ring means nothing to me. I know more than one woman who has had a ring for a DECADE with no date in sight.

Engaged means you are planning to get married at a specific time. I don't think you need to tell anyone either - especially if you are eloping.

DH and I planned where and when we were getting married - no ring, no announcement. But we tied the knot less than 60 days later.

I laugh when I hear of a couple living together who say "we can't afford to get married". Getting married costs about a hundred bucks. What they mean is that they can't afford a big costume party.

Oh honey. This sounds so

Oh honey.

This sounds so much like my SIL. She and her baby daddy have been "engaged" for longer than I've known my husband. She actually got a ring, but now it's "we can't get married This year because of x,y,z". There's no date, no plan, and DH and I are sure that her BF has no desire to actually be married. We're pretty sure he's using her as the housekeeper, cook, nanny for his two kids until they're out of the house and then he'll move on because she's a good mom to their kid, unlike the other kids BM.

IMO, if you're "engaged" for more than 6 months to a year without setting a date, someone in the relationship isn't interested in actually getting married. There can be exceptions - deaths in the family, surgeries or other health problems, big financial shifts I could see delaying things for a few months. But you're two years without a ring,without an official announcement - yea, you aren't engaged and he's not really interested.

You deserve better.

Tell him it's time to sh_t or

Tell him it's time to sh_t or get off the pot. What an ass.

DH flew half way around the

DH flew half way around the world and proposed to me one morning in bed. I said yes. He didn't have a ring. All he had was the paperwork to file with Immigration so he could get me Stateside and marry me as fast as he could. He WANTED me to be with him forever and this is what it took.

No fancy costume party wedding. Just a small gathering and church blessing of sorts in my home country with fam. and friends (about 50 people). Then when we got stateside the 'official' wedding in a local church with his fam. and friends (again about 50).

Why not ask him? Why not say ..."Look, I don't want to be your gf forever. I want to get married. Let's go to the courthouse and get married." Or do you want the Ring and the Dress and the Reception? In which case the groom is replaceable. And what does he want? Maybe the hints of a 3 ring circus wedding isn't what he wants. I know it is supposed to be all about the bride but it isn't. The groom is JUST as important as the bride. Without one there isn't wedding unless you marry your dog or something which is just weird although I wouldn't be surprised if my sister ever did that. This is about starting Phase 2 of your life together not re-runs of Phase 1 every year.

Love your story oneoffour

Thank you. I actually 'met'

Thank you. I actually 'met' DH on a divorce support site. Not match.com etc. He made some suggestion about his living arrangements for the future on the forum site and I challenged him on it playing devils advocate. Other people said I was 'harsh' and unkind. He just responded with "Do you know my mother? Because she told me the exact same thing you did." Score one for ME!
He is my Perfect Man. Not perfect for everyone but perfect for me.

Outsider, when was the last

Outsider, when was the last time you guys talked about this? Wedding plans in general? Would you be ok with a justice of the peace or does it have to be big event? I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but perhaps talking will clear the air-either way.

I don't know where you are

I don't know where you are but in Florida you just have to show up and pay about $100. No witnesses, no waiting period. No copies of divorce decrees. You can be married in about 10 minutes. And just as married as in a big huge wedding.

A ring is NOT a requirement

A ring is NOT a requirement for being engaged. Many people never have an engagement ring. You don't even HAVE to have a wedding ring.

A proposal is asking a person to marry you. Men and women can propose. My cousin (happily married almost 30 years) told me that his wife proposed to him after them dating for two months.

When we decided to get

When we decided to get married DH told me that he might not always wear his ring. I laughed and said it didn't bother me because I rarely wear rings more than for a few hours at a time.

DH has not once taken off the ring. Me - not sure I know where mine is at this moment. I have a lot of rings that I like to wear for going out to a lunch or dinner. Gold was $35 an ounce when I was in my 20s so I do have a lot of different rings that I like to rotate. But I always take any rings off when I get home.

I guess because we are older people have just assumed we were married since our first date.

I honestly don't know how anyone buys an engagement ring these days. When I was in college (decades ago) right after Christmas 2/3 of the senior girls (who were mostly marrying college students) came back with 2 and 3 carat rings. I guess the parents bought them.

The last time we takes about

The last time we takes about marriage was last march... We had steadily been talking about it nd before then.... But when I brought it up he said- "I'm so busy with building this house, can we not talk about it until the house is done? One thing at a time"

The house was done in february, we moved in april...

I kinda brought it up when we moved in and he said he has stuff planed,....

April, may, june, july now?

I am tired of waiting....

Whatever he had planed should not be taking this long....

Are you financially tied to

Are you financially tied to this house? Like co-owning it?

I am in no way tied to his

I am in no way tied to his house

I agree that the ring is not

I agree that the ring is not a requirement... But not telling anyone?!?! That seems a bit odd to me.

My DH and I were engaged for 2.5 years before tying the knot. He proposed on July 31, 2010... We told everyone! However, because he hadn't planned to ask me to marry him at that moment, he didn't have a ring. Finally after he got his tax return in spring of 2011 we went and picked it out.

We got married in October 2012.

I agree that the ring is not

I agree that the ring is not a requirement... But not telling anyone?!?! That seems a bit odd to me.

We got married in October 2012.

I have an update: I spoke

I have an update:

I spoke with FDH this morning, (the kids went to BM's last night for visitation) The conversation went like this:

I asked him, "Are you sure you want to marry me?"

"Yes, I want to marry you."

"Then why haven't we gotten married yet? If you want to, what's stopping you?"

"The sign being made."

"YOU ARE WAITING ON A SIGN!!??"

"No, THE sign. That's what the kids and I decided on. They just asked yesterday, 'you aren't going to do it while we are gone, are you?'. They want to be here and are really excited about us getting married. Just wait. We are really close."

I'm not sure how much longer to wait,...

So a sign like a bolt of

So a sign like a bolt of lightning or a sign that the kids are making?

And why are the kids so involved? My DH told his sons his intentions when he flew to ask me and asked for their opinions. That was IT! I once asked him if they had given a negative response what would have happened. He said if they had said something like "Well Dad, she sent mom a really rude letter with all kinds of nasty words in it. And Grandma says she asked her how much you get when she dies." he would have had 2nd, 3rd even 4th thoughts. But if they had said "She talks funny" or "She can't mash potatoes like mom." he would have told them to get over it.

If it is a sign like a lightning bolt I would reconsider. After all, it is storm season... He has had PLENTY of chances in the last few months surely! Unless he is really so mystical and spooky.

I think it's strange that the

I think it's strange that the skids are so involved in your engagement. I personally would not like that at all. That should be between you and your future husband only.

He led me to believe it was a

He led me to believe it was a sign like the kids are making or a billboard or something.

The kids do really like me, in spite of some of the things they have said or done to me out of carelessness.

He says they are excited about me being their stepmom...
and when he told them and took them ring shopping they couldn't wait for him to ask,... but that was almost a year ago.

So when he finally asks you

So when he finally asks you are you going to happy or pissed off? Personally I would have a hard time forcing a happy face after all of this...

To be blunt, it sounds like

To be blunt, it sounds like your guy does not want to get married and may just be trying to "shut you up." I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about this, ASAP. If you want to get married and he has no intentions of marrying you, it's best to move on and find someone who wants the same things you want. Also, I think living together before marriage is fine (although I don't agree with buying a house or having children together). My ex and I moved into an apartment together after dating for a few years, and within a couple months we knew it was not going to work out between us. Had we got married before moving in together, we likely would have divorced. You don't really know a person until you live with them, and why marry someone you don't really know? I think that's foolish. At least now you know what you have, and you can make an educated decision as to whether or not it is enough for you.

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How long is too long of an engagement?