Advice, please: Should I have a baby?
I am 41 and have been married less than a year to DH, who was married and divorced previously and has SD18, SD15, and SS12. This is my first marriage and I have no bio kids.
I have posted a few times before that my DH badly wants a baby.
I am overweight, have hypertension (controlled with medication) and anxiety/depression (also currently controlled with medication and dramatically improved). We saw my GYN about a month ago together, and she went over some of the risks associated with pregnancy in a woman my age and with my preexisting conditions.
None of those conditions is devastating, and they can be controlled with medications that are safe to use during pregnancy. However, the fact is my age and health put me at much greater risk for certain serious health problems in pregnancy, and my risk of miscarriage is more than 50% (I already had one early miscarriage since my marriage).
My DH regrets not having the chance to be a “full-time” dad to his current kids. He and his wife shared them 50% for the last 10 years since their divorce, but his middle child has not been coming for visitation the last few months (she is mad at her dad for something—she will not even tell him what), and his oldest, at 18, does what she feels like now.
He and his ex really screwed up big time and have raised selfish, entitled, manipulative little monsters. He knows this, and is very disappointed in the way his kids have turned out. Clearly, he wants a second chance to “redeem” himself and raise a child in an intact family, with a “wife who actually loves me.”
I get that. I really do. But I’m terrified of the risks to my health that a pregnancy now poses, and the dramatic changes it will bring to my life, after being “free” of child-rearing responsibilities for so many years.
I have recently started seeing a therapist who specializes in stepfamily issues. She is both a bio and stepmom herself, and she said she can’t imagine staying up all night with a sick baby and going to work the next day at age 42, having done it and struggled at age 28.
When I allow myself to dream about the future, I see myself remodeling and redecorating our home, taking trips with my husband, and learning some new hobbies. I do not picture a child. I know that must seem incredibly selfish to those of you who are parents, but that is what I see.
Then again, I know that I would love my child very much if I have one. I come from an emotionally healthy, intact family that raises good kids who become good adults. Maybe it would be a shame for me to not raise a child, when there are so many unfit BMs (and the proof can be found all over this site) bringing kids into the world.
What would YOU do if you were me? Will I likely regret it if I don’t have my own child? How did you know for sure that you wanted to have your own child?
This is something I have
This is something I have actually considered...just leaving it in God's hands.
The blood pressure medication I currently take will have to be switched to something that is safe to take during pregnancy, though. I can't allow a pregnancy while taking meds that I know is likely to cause severe birth defects.
My odds of even getting pregnant in any given month are low now anyhow, at almost 42. So this option may or may not lead to a baby.
It kind of sounds like you
It kind of sounds like you want to have this baby for your husband more than for yourself. I don't think you are being selfish to think of going on trip and decorating the house. You're 41, at this age most people are done raising their kids and are looking forward to spending time traveling and doing the things they couldn't do when their kids were little. Nothing wrong with that.
I'm 36, with a 14 and 7 year old. At one point I was thinking I wanted another baby, but the thought of going through diapers, bottles and potty training all over again changed my mind. Plus, I want to travel to Italy and other place. If I start all over with an infant those trips would have to wait.
You have to decide what is most important to YOU.
What works for me is to make a list. Write down all the reasons why you should not have a baby - your age, health, the risks and complications.
Then write down all the reasons why you would want to have a baby, and I mean YOU, not your husband, but YOUR reasons for having a child.
JMO, but I don't think you should risk your health and well being to help DH "redeem himself".
He's had his kids 50% of the time, plenty of working parents get just as much time with their kids, so he can't blame the fact that his kids are little monsters on the fact that the BM 'hates him'. Instead of trying to make a new family, DH needs to concentrate on being a parent to the kids he already has.
"Instead of trying to make a
"Instead of trying to make a new family, DH needs to concentrate on being a parent to the kids he already has."
This really stood out for me. Thank you for your reply; it has given me clarity!
There is nothing selfish
There is nothing selfish about not wanting kids! Not everyone has to have them.It's true you will love your baby sooo much if you decide to have one. But if you don't, I'm sure you will be fine.
If you've made it to 42
If you've made it to 42 without s burning desire to have baby....and even now you aren't sure you want one and cant picture a future with one then I think that's your answer.
I think you are right. It
I think you are right. It really helps to have people outside of the situation take an objective look. Thanks so much for your reply!
No, I really think I don't.
No, I really think I don't. My husband just turned 47, so he would be at least 65 when this child graduates high school. God, that's a scary thought right there....
Well, he also really loves
Well, he also really loves children(he is a teacher), so that's not the only reason he wants a child. He genuinely likes having kids around. But I think that his main reason for wanting a child is to "have another chance," yes. I am sure of it.
I agree that a baby should not have a "job." If you came out and asked him, my husband would agree with that, also. I'm not sure that he is conscious of the fact that he would be giving this baby a job. I think he has a beautiful picture in his mind of the happy family that he never got to have, and he really believes we can give a baby a great life. He may be right about that, but that doesn't mean we should.
I realize that my chances of even getting pregnant are greatly diminished now, yes.
Thanks for sharing your insight into my situation; it is very helpful!
With all due respect to you
With all due respect to you and your DH, your DH's reasons for wanting children with you is total Bullsh*t. You don't get to CTL_ALT_DEL on being a parent. No father should have a chance to "redeem himself" by trying to bring another child into this world in the hopes that they will be a better father this time around. If he and his ex screwed up on raising their first set of kids, that is on them. It should have absolutely NO bearing whatsover on you and your wishes to have a child or not.
I can somewhat understand the
I can somewhat understand the sentiment behind him wanting to "redeem" himself, although I think it was the wrong choice of words to use.
My DH desperately wanted a baby with me--90% of which is driven by the fact that he loves me and has always pictured us having a family (in his picture, we have two... but honestly pregnancy for me has sucked, so in my picture, I just have this one)--the other 10% is a mixture of these:
a. He was so afraid he wouldn't have a normal life after what he went through because of BM. He thought, because he had a kid with a woman he fears and hates, who was so driven to get him, he'd never find the chance to have a normal family. Like the chance was fucked up before it even started. He wanted kids but with someone he loved, he thought because of his situation he'd never find that person, or if he did, she wouldn't want him. So to him, this is his "second chance". Everyone's so surprised by how much he loves and protects (although it can go overboard) and cherishes me, but I don't think anyone really understands the feeling behind it.
b. He doesn't have a relationship with SS nor would he ever have a family life with him (unless something happens to BM... not that we hope for that to happen or anything) so coupled with the idea that he would not find someone, get married, and subsequently have children, and he has one with someone but the child doesn't even know him equated to being utterly alone for the rest of his life. (As someone pointed out, I think my DH has anxiety issues to begin with, so his thoughts "snowball" out of control.)
c. He thought he was never going to be able to experience the joys of unmanipulated, free fatherhood ever in his life. Because he was never going to be able to find someone to love and marry and have kids with, he was never going to love a child of his in his own way, without being controlled by someone he couldn't stand. He'd be able to buy this child things he wanted to buy for it, he wanted to be able to plan and give his opinion about what the baby should have, what it should wear, what it should study, to raise it with some of the values that are important to him without being told "You have no right to decide because you aren't married to me and I AM THE MOTHER so I trump ALL." I mean when you send your kid the blanket you received from your grandmother, that you had all your childhood and now wanted to pass it on, and BM has either thrown it out or has it in her closet in a shrine to him, and then the toys you send get confiscated because you are told they are inappropriate (however plush dolls made for infants is inappropriate), you despair because you feel you could never be the father you wanted to be to the kid, and maybe you will never be able to be a "father" given this situation.
So I can see how your DH wants to get it right this time around. I think if you really don't want it, you shouldn't have to, but I also know if we were on the other end of it, we'd say to ourselves, if having a child is a dealbreaker for me, then I should leave. Otherwise you'd end up resenting him for not giving you a child with him.
I always said I don't think there is an unselfish reason to want kids. Wanting children is selfish no matter which way you slice it. Unless you're having a child to save the world or something, or mankind, or to cure a disease when you really don't want one.
I just think if I was in your DH's shoes, and I really wanted a child with the person I loved, I'd be devastated if she didn't feel the same way. As a woman, maybe I wouldn't be ale to get over it, even though maybe a man would. I think he dreams of looking across the room and seeing the woman he loves holding his child--that was one of DH's fantasies.
But I believe very strongly that a child should be wanted wholeheartedly by both parents.
I'm 40, married almost a
I'm 40, married almost a year to DH a d we are expecting a baby any day. I have three, he has one. We wanted one together.
I know how difficult raising babies can be but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I didn't have this kid" (other than some crazy BMs)
We are also just entering the teenage years
Sounds as though your heart
Sounds as though your heart is not 150% in child-rearing (which is what it requires). You are not being selfish by not wanting to bring a child into this world. There are too many being brought into it every day by people who aren't in it whole-heartedly and that is detrimental to children. PS... about your pre-existing conditions, I've been in the healthcare field for 10 years. Both of those conditions can be changed, but not with medication. Medication just masks symptoms. What you need to change your conditions is vitamins and good eating habits. This I know because I had both of your conditions, too. I got both under control with a healthy diet and vitamins, and since I have become lax on eating healthy and taking my vitamins, I have found myself suffering with the conditions again. It is extremely hard for me to control my eating habits, I don't know about you, but I would be happy to tell you what helped me if you would like. Just message me if you would like my advice. I'm not here to tell you what to do. If you do decide to try to get pregnant, you should really try to kick those conditions butts first. It will make the pregnancy not as risky.
If you have to talk yourself
If you have to talk yourself into doing it, you don't want it.
From the tone of your post, I
From the tone of your post, I don't think *you* want a baby. If a baby is not wanted by both parents, then the "no" always wins. I was raised by a mother who didn't want children; she conceived all three of her children to either catch a man or save a marriage. In none of the cases did it work, and my brothers and I are all, to use a super technical term, fucked up.
So if I were you, I tell DH no and that my baby ship had long ago sailed.
Only you and your DH can
Only you and your DH can answer whether or not you should have a child.
Just keep this in mind, adoption can always be an option as well. There are a lot of foster kids out there with no permanent homes.