I wish I could answer this question myself...

I am number 3, but tonight was the first night I really really questioned the future with DH. Our one year wedding anniversary is one month away, and I don't even know anymore. DH set boundaries over 2 years ago, and has stuck to them. His adult kids are not even in his life that much, since he does not hand them money anymore. I know he has a lot of misplaced guilt. I know he wishes that things were different. He KNOWS he has tried to help them. They are just content to live in poverty, since they refuse to work or do anything productive.

I knew how bad they were. They continue to get worse, and I am not surprised. DH promised me they would never move in, nor would we support them. So far, he is sticking to his promises, because he knows how awful they are. There are things they have said and done that I cannot even post here.

DH and I have a wonderful relationship. Like I said, I knew how bad the kids are/were. What I did not anticipate was that my MIL would start a campaign to have DH convinced that all his kids need is to find God. While they are "doing that," she is hounding us to give them money and/or let them move in our one bedroom home. NONE of this will happen with me here. This will cause a divorce.

DH does not listen to her 99 percent of the time, but I can see that in the past month, she has gotten to him a bit. She recently told me that since I am not a mom, I do not understand. She has basically said that the kids should be allowed to abuse him emotionally, because they cannot help it, and they will find the Lord and all will be well. She thinks it is okay if we go broke "helping them." Instead of making DH "act," she is making him feel guilt that is not his to bear. Yes, he made mistakes, but he has done the best he can, and he has repeatedly tried to help adults who want nothing to do with him unless there is cash involved.

Tomorrow, DH will be taking the kids to dinner. This is the first time he will see 2 of them in 2 years and one in over a year. THEIR choice. They are already hinting for money. What will happen is they will eat everything on the menu, and on the way home, he will get 100 texts demanding money. This happened the last 2 times they went out. I will never stop him from seeing them, but he is not handing them a dime. We do not have it. This dinner alone will cost a lot and his older son is already having a hissy fit because DH said his girlfriend could not come. He should not have been asked in the first place. In addition to the money, they will demand to go out to dinner again each week, which we cannot afford.

In the past 3 weeks the kids have been texting a lot, probably because they are in danger of losing their home and want a place to live. They do not understand that DH and I are far from naive. I just do not know how long he can take this.

Oh, and after 3 years of sitting on his ass doing nothing, the older son finally got his first job. It is part time (he wont work full time) and he already lied to DH and said he needs money for uniforms-he does not. It is constant lies from all 3 of them.

My MIL is showing no signs of letting up. I have asked her to stop, and she ignores me. She told me when I find a job, I should share my money with the kids. I lost my job last year and I have a ton of loans. But, regardless, I won't give a dime to people who refer to me as a whore and cuntbag and wish I burned to death in a fire.

I love my DH, and I would miss him terribly, but I would have never done this if I had known. I have a chronic illness, and once I get working, I will not have the energy to fight this.

I feel for you, OP, but I think you are much better off.

I'm a solid #2. At times #3, but things have gotten better in the skid area of my life. It might get even better once ss16 goes to college or moves out but I know he'll always be DH's favorite and always come for visits after he moves out but once he's out he's not going to move back in like we let ss19 do twice.

It's different for everyone. What number you're at depends entirely upon you.

#2. It is great on and off. We have fun. But then it goes through sucky periods. I hope we come out of this sucky period soon because its almost not worth it. I am holding on a little longer to see if it will stop sucking so much.

SS27 is a raging drunk. I really have little to do with him.

But I do consider that I have the nuclear option with him. If he hurt me, my dog, my dh or my property when he is in one of his drunken rages he would be dead to me.

And I am pretty confident that DH would choose his life with me even if I totally eliminated any contact with SS. I do not want to use that option but it helps to know that it is there. I see very little of SS. I missed his younger years when his horrible behavior would have made my life horrible beyond description.

DH and I have a great life. DH would lose everything if I left him and he knows it.

I remember your post I think. If it is the post I am thinking of you and bf have not been separated all that long, and I seem to remember you we're struggling very hard with the step parenting thing, and the child was still very young.

I think you need to give yourself time here. Time to grieve, time to heal and when you do, I honestly think you will be thrilled you made the decision to leave

It is never worth being in a relationship with anyone who puts someone else above you. Someone who is incapable of being a partner and a parent at the same time. It is never worth being second best in your relationship, no matter how much you love him.

A marriage is supposed to be about two people each wanting the best for each other, each supporting the other, each putting the other first. It is give and take, sometimes you give, sometimes you take. It is not about you constantly giving, and your partner constantly taking because he has a child/children.

You were struggling really hard in this relationship, you were not getting the understanding and support you needed from your partner. You did the right thing by all concerned by leaving, and you gave yourself a chance for a better life. This man has already started taking other girls out according to your post. That says a lot about how much he loved you. I think he's like a lot of men we speak of on this site. They claim they are putting the welfare of their kids first, that its all about their kids, but the reality is, it's all about themselves. Nothing to do with their kids. They are just looking for someone to take care of them and meet their needs, but they are not prepared to meet yours.

If he's checking out your replacement already, then he's not sitting at home trying to work out where it all went wrong with you. Or wondering how can he make it right. He needs to be the one looking at himself and offering more. Not you going back and compromising yourself because you are feeling lonely. Hang in there. Give yourself the gift of time. You have experienced a death. The death of your relationship. Any death can take up to two years to come to terms with. I think in 3 to 6 months you will be a far happier person.

Marriage would have only made it all so much worse. You did the right thing. You are clearly a strong woman. No need for you to settle. No need at all.

3

Four months is a blink of an eye in this heartbreak. You do need more time. But darling, you are doing yourself no favours in making excuses for his behaviour. He's a dude, so that's okay for him to get on dating sites before your side of the bed is even cold. Then you think telling you about it makes it honest and nice. No it doesn't, it makes it emotional blackmail. Hell, if he threatens you enough with this crap, you might just make his life easier and go back. Now, I'm not saying he slept with them, but I am saying if he did, he would never tell you. Because right now he's still hedging his bets, why, because he is a dude.

You are almost right though, your arithmetic is just a bit off. He still sees it as YOUR fault, All your fault. He will see nothing wrong with his child's behaviour, and nothing wrong with him as a parent, you just don't get it, he'll, you don't even have a child of your own, how would you know anything.

Four months while some days it may seem like yesterday and other days seem like an eternity is just that. 4 months. You just need time. Please give it to yourself and don't worry about the dude. He will find another bunny to take care of his needs. You hated that life, why choose it again. If you go back now, trust me darling, it will be worse. You see to go back will in his mind be admitting he was right all along and nothing will change. He shouldn't be on dating sites he should be using all his time on self reflection on himself as a man, as a partner and as a parent. But no, he's on dating sites. You chicken have dodged a bullet and in your heart of hearts I think you are wise enough to know it.