Step Father to kids with mentally ill father
Hi, first post here, just gunna write a bit about my story up to now, and ask for any help/advice you may have.
Im a 27 year old male, Ive been with the biological mother of 2 children, for a little over 2 years. Her and I have alot of history, and we are actually now engaged to be married. The biological father of the children, since the day we got together had nothing but bad things to say and do about us, especially towards the kids, making our relationship and my relationships with the kids more difficult.
Her and the kids have lived with me for over 12 months . To you guys it probably seems like we have moved fast, but like i said above, we have a bit of history, and had been together in the past. I Stress, there was no cheating involved.
The father had a massive drug problem, this was the cause of their relationship break down, and unfortunately he took his own like just shy of a month ago.
I have struck a very strong bond with the kids over my time with them, they are 5 and 3. The youngst was only 18 months old when i first came along. The oldest I had spent alot of time with when she was a baby as my fiancee and I had a short time together at that time, when we were both between relationships with our partners at the time. The father had never constantly been around (we've all seen it before). But once i was around, i became the bad guy of course.
The death of their father has hurt them, and i feel very sorry for them that at such young ages they have to deal with this. It has also hurt our relationship as obviously as the step father, Im not the father, and they see that. Even though i've been there for 2 consistent years, more than any stint he ever had, and also that i've put more time into them than he did, i will not fill that void.
Im lost with how i continue my role as step father.
cheers
The kids need time to process
The kids need time to process this. No matter how rotten our parents are, they are still our parents. Just be there as you have been, it's not about you, it's about them withdrawing and coming to terms with their loss. They need and are entitled to time to grieve at their own pace. Your roll has not changed. You are still their SF.
The kids would also benefit
The kids would also benefit from talking to a counselor. I am going through this situation now except that it is my daughter that lost her stepfather, the only father she has known. Therapy has helped a lot. Patience and understanding will help the situation as well. We are coming up on the year anniversary of his death and my daughter still misses him but she is also moving on.
Thanks guys. I should note
Thanks guys.
I should note that within the last 12 months he had seen them less than 5 times. Including completely missing Christmas and the little fellas birthday on boxing day.
The issue isnt where it leaves me with them, as I've always told them they are to make up their own minds about who i am to them. Up until his death we'd all bonded alot more as he hadnt had contact and had stopped playing the mind games he was playing. The eldest had been saying she wanted to call me dad because her I was more of a dad than him. As nice as that is, thats not what ive been out to achieve.
My dad was an alcoholic.
My dad was an alcoholic. Made our lives miserable absolutely miserably. I was devasted when he died. Why, because a part of me always hoped he would change, he would love us. His death meant that was never going to happen. It will take the kids a while to figure out just what they are mourning. Just love them, be patient and never knock their dad, even if they do. Sounds as if this is all pretty normal stuff. It will be ok. As I said before don't take it personally, it's not about you at all.