Big ol' Vent
Massive rant ahead.
One thing of the MANY things that makes my blood boil in this world is unfairness, especially around children, who sometimes have little choice in matters.
I have three of my own kids and two step. When my step sons are here their mother tries to organise things for them to take them out of our house. We tend to ignore these requests because very often a) they are not in the boys interests b)we don't follow the directive of an ex mental patient. But mostly, we take into account the impact of these trips on our overall family, five children to think about and the impact it will all have.
So the latest thing is to try and arrange a move outing ostensibly though the school PTA for the boys on our weekend. She's gone ahead and told the boys about it so naturally they want to go, but she did this before clearing it with the other parent - my partner.
So what do you guys do when this happens and you are constantly playing the bad cop role?
My thoughts are that the other parent stays out of arranging or trying to pressure into doing something with the kids. NO matter what the event, tough luck unless it's a relative's birthday or something and then you merely agree to swap nights or weekends.
This is just another way she tries to break apart out tight little blended family.
GRRRRRR
That should say "movie"
That should say "movie" outing. Not move.
We had this request it was
We had this request it was nipped in the bud quickly! Something I suggest you do your BM needs to understand there is not one big happy family there are two that still love skids but are not one. We also consulted skids "feelings dr" and where told it tends to bring false hopes of parents getting back together. Take the side of that it comes off a lot better if you are being concerned about the kids not just saying "but I don't like it".
If your CO has vacation time
If your CO has vacation time ordered into it that is a good way to keep a BM in check in so far as requesting extra time/ trying to take it.
Back when BM had 50/50 custody Anything BM wanted extra time for, DH considered part of her annual allowed 2 weeks (14 total days) vacation time. Per the CO she was required 30 days notice to exercise the vacation time. And yes, even one single additional overnight DH did subtract from her vacation time.
So as an example:
BM wants the kids on DH's weekend and tells them she is taking them to Disney.
However, she called DH up on Tuesday to tell him about it.
Answer: No, sorry the CO states you have to give 30 days notice to exercise your vacation time.
Kids get to the house pissed/disappointed.
DH would simply explain the judge made the rules, he has to follow them. (and here is the kicker) Because he doesn't want mom to get in trouble.
DH is now the good guy protecting mom from the big bad judge. Any 'blame' would shift in the kids heads, oh mom forgot to give enough notice so dad couldn't let us go. And the kids would HOUND BM the next time to make sure to give DH enough notice so she wouldn't get in trouble and they could go to wherever she wanted to go.
Their CO stated all vacation requests had to be in writing. So she would email him her vacation schedule and he would reply something along the idea of:
Your asking for 7 days. You have already used 4 days: With this vacation you are now at 11 days and only have 4 days remaining.
Now, he considered ANY time she was requesting a vacation day IF she gave notice. She had 24 hours. If she chose to pick them up at 8 and drop them off at noon: then that was how she CHOSE to spend her vacation day with the kids. Her call if she wants to waste 20 hours.
Any request that did not have 30 days notice, was rejected UNLESS it was an actual emergency.
Agree with all of the above
Agree with all of the above but I think my DH has always repeated the mantra "fair and reasonable" in that where young kids are involved, some flexibility around events is needed so the whole 50/50 thing doesn't seem so bad. Now I am thinking this flexibility is being taken as "BM does whatever she wants and BD has to agree or the kids will be sad". Obviously passive aggressive BS.
I guess as long as DH gives into her I am fighting a losing battle. I really think that the BM is treating DH like her husband still, and this is wrong.
My blood is boiling.
Could not have said it better
Could not have said it better myself.