LOST about being a stepmom
Hey everyone, I'm brand new here but I need to 
Today, out of the four children we had only him for the evening.
I enthusiastically mentioned to my partner this would be a good opportunity for me and his step son to get to know each other a little better and bond. I got so excited and recited how we are going to tell him that this day is going to be all about him and how he can pick between three different possible activities, he can pick what food we're going to eat etc. (We are on our way to pick him up.)
So we get to my stepsons house and my partner gets out and tells him we are going to do one of the activities taking all the glory.
The activity happens to be my least favourite out of the three, and when I showed my dissapointed my partner said "Well, we don't have to go if you don't want to" in front of my stepson.
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. What are you suppose to do in this situation? I feel like my heart is ripped out. Why did I even try? This is where I want to start crying...
It's so hard being a step parent. I want to be as good as possible to these kids but I feel like I will always be painted as the "evil" step mother.
I opted not to go to the activity. My partner came home and got angry with me saying that this was suppose to be about what my stepson wanted, not what I wanted...
Ouch.
Am I insane for feeling this way?
How do you fix this? Can it be fixed? I'm so lost as a step parent tonight...
Clearly I have no idea or
Clearly I have no idea or capacity to be a step mom.
Thanx BLM. You're right. I
Thanx BLM.
You're right. I think I am trying to make everyone happy and it feels the more I do that the more it's obvious that I am the only one! Everyone else is out for themselves.
I think being the 'women'...we are suppose to "create" the family so I take it all on myself but then realize that I am alone in that venture.
I loved what you said about your own kids thinking your evil because you won't let them play with knives. That brought a smile to my face.
Might be able to work on embracing my own 'evilness' with my stepkids more
Thank you for your supportive words. I really appreciate it.
Here is what I have learned
Here is what I have learned in just one short year. Count to 100... not just 10. My bf and I have spent ALOT of time figuring out and arguing about trying to remain calm and see the best of eachother. His attitude of defaulting to me doing something simply to be "evil stepmom" almost broke us. It took me leaving the house for work and telling him to txt about whether or not I should come home and sleep in the guest room... admitting to thinking badly of myself because of all the jumping to conclusions about being "evil stepmom". Now he realizes in order to show love and respect we both have to think positively about actions. I guess my point here is count to 100 take a step back and try to think the best of your partner. You could take this as "he took away my thunder" or "he was so excited 2 he just couldn't contain himself". There is a reason you are with this person if you think he truely meant to take your thunder maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship not your ability to become a step mom.
Am I the only one catching on that dad chose the activity not the son? I personally dont think that was right that took half the fun out! You have every right to be upset about it. Apologize about not going but ask him to respect your ideas... you cant fix the past but you can try to be better! Keep your chin up its not an easy task.
I kinda get where she is
I kinda get where she is coming from.. to a degree.
She wanted to try to bond with the kid - wanted to be the one to "talk up" the fun day, right? She wants the kid to like her and wants to be accepted, therefore the idea of the day being all about the kid and coming from her had meaning..
His father, completely clueless, jumps ahead and steals her thunder.. he didn't need to do this - he already has the kids acceptance.
The dad should have been all about building her up and helping her get on the good side of the kid.. lord knows we all could use a little boost in that department as we are all painted evil stepmoms before we have a chance to prove otherwise.
It sucks and it's unfair. While I can see how this would disappoint you, I think you also need to take a step back and realize this is just par for the course.
DH's, significant others, the MALES in this equasion suck at making the transition easy for anyone and in fact, make things harder than they need to be. They don't think about us.. they only think about making thier kids happy so they don't run off to live with mommy full time.
and guilt plays its
and guilt plays its part...
Your bf is probably feeling the guilt too of 'leaving' (in his head) the kid so goes overboard to make up for it - hence the unintentional 'thunder stealing' so he knows his kid thinks better of him. But as it was your idea, list and day, next time just give the choice of the day on things you WILL do and WILL enjoy... or give no alternative.... when we were growing up any treat was a good treat! And run though with the boyfriend who's going to say what so everything is clear - like the guys say above -- get your own communication right. And yes, all kids whatever age and whatever the circumstances the break up harbour a wish that Mom and Dad would be together is some fairy-dairy land........ and my Skids are 26 and 29......!!
If you are to make it as a
If you are to make it as a stepmom you have to let a lot of things slide right off your back. It's hard being around kids when you have no say in how they are parented. Most things I just let go. If there is a big issue I will write my DH a letter and express how I feel. In two years i have written two letters. Most things I just let go. This seemed like something you should have let go instead of making a big deal out of it. You don't want every thing to be a battle. Just realize that skid is not your kid and let your DH be the parent.
I kinda agree with the last
I kinda agree with the last one...yes you over reacted and yes it is important to bond with them, but theyre kids. and you are new so move in slowly. The first time i met my FDHs kids was ridiculous! i was so embarrassed and a little depressed by it but like they said u gotta let it go... it was the first time id slept over while he had them and they had gone to bed with his dad watching them while we were out. when i came down the stairs in the morning they thought i was his last gf who hed broken up with over 2 yrs ago and hadnt seen in months. hows that for awkward?! lol. they still bring up the ex from time to time... oh she did this once. oh she made this for lunch before. etc etc. and ya it hits a nerve but you cant let every little thing make you feel like the interloper. we r getting married next month. we have been living together for almost 2 months with our combined 5 kids and everything is fine now. the bonding takes time as as someone else said spoiling them isnt bonding. Bonding is going to the park sometimes or watching a show with them or going to their soccer game. reading them a story before bed etc. It takes time to build that relationship. dont stress yourself out or try to over do it. Just relax and let things happen on their own.