Out of things to say
My s/o and I have differing opinions when it comes to raising children. I do not have any children of my own but when I witness how my s/o and his family deal with his daughter (3) it makes me uncomfortable. Stresses me out really because I have no say in the matter and I think he's going to raise a monster. I work all week and we live 40 miles apart so I see him every weekend. He has his daughter full time and she only goes to her mom's house if the mother feels like it or if her work schedule allows. So to avoid the little stresses I've decided that I will not see him on the weekends that he has his daughter. We've been together for 9 months and I have mentioned my feelings to him. At first I was met with resistance, which is why I made the decision to stay away. My s/o has been very upset about it and acts accordingly. Recently, he's changed his tune and says that he's making strides to be different so of course he thinks that I should stop being absent on the "daddy weekends". He feels that I'm cutting down the little time we already have together and fails to understand why I don't want to be there. I don't think there's any need for me to be around while he struggles with parenting. He wants to prove to me that he's making changes but is that really necessary? I don't know if any of you have had experience with this and I'm not even sure if my decision was the right one. We've been fighting a lot lately and we're supposed to have a big talk this weekend to basically air our all of our concerns and frustrations. He's already told me that this and the fact I said his daughter has bratty tendencies are his only issues with me. I've already agreed to not ever call his daughter a brat (to his face) again but I don't think I need to change my decision to not be around on daddy weekends. Maybe sometime in the future (if we make it) I'll change my mind but right now I don't think there has been enough time for the changes he's made to have any effect. I don't know what else to say to try to get him to understand. I accept that he may not ever understand but how do I deal with the constant tension it causes because he won't accept that I'm not changing my mind?
This situation will only get
This situation will only get worse if you stick around. You will NOT be able to change how he parents his child and you would be in for a rough 15+ years with this girl.
I know I can't change how he
I know I can't change how he parents her. I've told him that I have no desire to try to MAKE him change anything. I've told him that if he disagrees with any issue I've presented that he needs to tell me and I can make the decision whether I want to stay with him or not. He claims to agree with me and claims that he's making changes. I don't know if he's just telling me that because he doesn't want the relationship to end or because he's actually doing it. I opt not to be around during his weekends with her and I want to believe he is making the changes but only time will tell and he's only recently began claiming to be making changes. Do you think I should suspend my decision to stay away to see if he's being truthful?
I don't dislike her and she
I don't dislike her and she doesn't seem to dislike me so that's not the problem at all. My concern is the future because although we get along now we also don't live together. My s/o has wanted me to spend alone time with his daughter I've said no a) because I felt it was too early (around 4-5 months in) and b) because she's not used to hearing the word no and I'm not as permissive as he is so I think it would have been problematic. I've seen how they interact and she has him and the rest of his family wrapped around her finger. I've heard her say things like "I'm not going to stop crying because no one will say yes to me!" or "I don't want sleep in my bed daddy. Please? I'm crying let me sleep with you and I'll stop crying". This behavior is partly because before I came into the picture and even sometime afterwards everyone would try to reason with her when she was upset. Do anything to make her happy. So now that my s/o acknowledges that he should be less permissive and tries to enforce it, she doesn't have the skills to deal with it because it's new to her too. Which is why I opted not to have alone time with her like I mentioned before.
My question is "How can I help him accept my decision to be elsewhere?" I made this decision at around our 5 or 6 month period and he's been fighting it since day one. I realize that he does not understand it but I don't need him to understand. Just accept it. That is what is causing the problem between us not the fact that I said anything at all. But because when I was met with resistance initially after saying something, and because I am aware of my lack of control in the matter I decided to not be around. He said he's making changes and I agree with you that not being there is not going to help me see him in action. However, it has not been very long that he said he's made these changes so I'm not sure of how sturdy his decision to make changes is.
You should move on. Even if
You should move on. Even if things were perfect between him and his daughter chances are you still might feel resentful and just not like being around her.
The outcome of our
The outcome of our relationship will be decided this weekend. We're having our "big talk" on Saturday and in the meantime we're supposed to be giving each other space in order to avoid further tiffs. It's not really working because we each keep calling/texitng each other. Either way, we shall see if I'll still be an active member of this forum by the end of Saturday.
I understand your reasons why
I understand your reasons why you stay away from BF on the "daddy weekends" however, keep in mind there could come a point in time where part time daddy could become full time daddy.
I dated a man with a 7 year old son that was truth be told, a spoiled brat. But he only had him Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, so I thought I could tough it out. Well, the thing we both thought would never happen happened. BM told BF that she was too busy with work and school to handle SS and asked BF would he like primary custody of SS? Well, of course BF jumped at the chance. BM wound up not even coming to get SS on her weekends so BF went from EOW dad to full time dad.
At that point I knew I could not handle this kid full time and broke up with BF. Just keep in mind, when you date someone with kids, there is always a chance the kid could come live with you full time. BM could get sick, die in a car accident, etc.
Also, I'm sure at some point you'll want this relationship to grow into something more, be it living together or marriage. What will you do then on the "daddy weekends"? Something to think about.
We had our big talk this
We had our big talk this weekend. We've decided to stay together. He's working on being less permissive with his daughter and more understanding of me. I've agreed to come visit on MOST daddy weekends but he doesn't mind if I take a weekend or two out of a month to hang out with my friends and family kid free.