Resenting step kids
Hi everyone. I am new here and am need of some help. I have been married for a little over a year now and have four boys, two biologically mine that are 8 and 15, and two step sons that are 5 and 9. Let me start off with they are all good kids and they get along wonderfully, for which I am thankful for. The resentment comes in because I don't ever see my kids or get to spend one on one time with them. I dread watching the step children walk through the door because 1) I know my alone time with my kids is over. 2) It brings chaos and a lot of noise into my otherwise quiet home. 3) Just stress in general.
Both of my boys have special needs, which any mother of a special needs child understands, brings its own sets of challenges and rewards.
DH and I argue a lot when all the kids are there and he says he sees an instant change in me the moment his kids walk in the door. Things are only getting worse, and I only have myself to blame for that. Maybe I am not cut out to be a step mom. I don't know.
I love my husband and do not want this to end our marriage. I never realized how incredibly hard blending two families could be. He only has his kids every other weekend so I didn't think it would be that much of an issue, boy was I wrong. Any help or advice I would greatly appreciate...
Wait- you only have them EOWe
Wait- you only have them EOWe but somehow that prevents you from spending time with just your kids? :?
Sorry, that's a bullshit excuse and you need to check yourself! Take a harder look, whatever the problem is, it ISN'T the SK's preventing you from spending time with your kids.
I'd suggest that on the
I'd suggest that on the weekend the skids are not there, make one day a special one for your kids. On the weekend the skids are there, let your dh have a special day with his kids. Help him plan something like taking them to a movie or park or fishing or whatever guys like, and you can then have the house for the afternoon for you and your boys. Or take your boys out to be alone. No where does it say you have to stay home and entertain the skids. Let your dh take FULL care of his kids from making supper to bedtimes and activities. You just take care of your kids. Try to think of how your dh feels living full time with his skids, and special needs skids brings a whole other set of issues for him too. I have a special needs daughter who is now an adult but I bring her home often for visits and DH asked me to bring her here less often, I am trying to comply b/c when she is here there is more stress for him. I love her but it takes a mom to love these special kids/adult kids.
I wish you all the best! You have a tough road and you need a lot of support. Let hubby support you by caring for his kids when they come over. Don't let it weigh you down. Hugs
Wow. I wasn't expect to be
Wow. I wasn't expect to be slammed my first post on this board ever. Thank you sterlingsilver for the encouragement. I do need to clarify one thing. I have joint custody with my ex so I have my children every other week, as well as every other weekend. So my only weekend with my kids is also when the skids are there also.
We have tried to separate the kids and go our own ways on occasion. I feel guilty and feel like it's punishing the kids, since they all want to be together... We are also having financial difficulties so we can't just take the kids and go spend a bunch of money. I may try the park though, for some one on one time with my boys.
Is it selfish to want to spend time with your own kids? I work full time so on the weeks I have them, it's not all day quality time like I'd love to have. That's why the weekends are so difficult and precious to me. That is the quality time I can have with my kids.
God Bless...
Angie
Don't feel bad, people often
Don't feel bad, people often judge too fast. It is true that some women are not cut out to be step mothers (I am one). You didn't make the skids with your husband, it's very hard to love them the same as your own. Just try to be ok with the situation if you really love and feel this man is worth the sacrifice. The park is a good idea or even the malls, some malls have play centers for kids. Just want to give you some moral support on this.
Just ignore that post. It's a
Just ignore that post. It's a theme with that person.
You are not selfish. You can spend quality time with your kids. Your DH needs to take charge of his kids and that might be hard to transition to smoothly. Have you thought about changing your kids weekend to be the opposite for a few months as a test run? This way you can let DH parent his kids so it is not your job all the time.
Changing weekends is not an
Changing weekends is not an option with my ex or his. We also enjoy having our quality time together alone on those weekends. That is our way of keeping our marriage alive. I just don't know if it's enough anymore. We've been fighting via text all morning. He feels I'm choosing my kids over him and told me if I'd be happier without him or his kids than I should move on. So obviously the defensiveness is getting worse.
As far as taking care of the skids, that isn't the case. DH helps with everything so I can't complain in that department. He does discipline them as well, so I can't really complain there either. Perhaps I'm just being overly sensitive.
I am sorry you are stuck in a
Buck up. It's only four days
Buck up. It's only four days a month. SS is here five days a week. I could put up with anything if it was only every other weekend.
Sorry to hear you're in such
Sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot. I don't have any answers for you really, I just wanted to sympathize. I hope you're able to work something out.
I know when stepdevil14 was coming over and during my visitation with my DD15 occurred at the same time, I resented it because SD was always vying for everyone's attention and taking time away from my visit with my daughter (she lives with her dad 1300 miles away so I only get her for summer and other extended breaks through the school yr). So, when my daughter would come for summer and it was SD's week, DH made sure to do a lot of one-on-one things with his daughter that way I had time with my own.
Good luck
Sorry to hear you're in a
Sorry to hear you're in a tough spot. Try to explore some wiggle room with your DH for those weekends you do have the whole gang.
I understand the emotions and sentiments you're feeling...it's easy for those of us who are loaded down with skids nearly full time or full time to be somewhat jealous perhaps, or not as empathetic. Each parent, each step parent has their own level of battle to face.
Someone once told me, "you may be standing right in front of me with a badly infected paper cut on your finger. And I may have just gotten my arm chopped off! Just because my arm is off, doesn't mean YOUR paper cut doesn't still hurt" perspective is sometimes everything.
Best of luck for a peaceful resolution
Thank you for this! I had a
Thank you for this! I had a comment to one of my posts similar to the one above "buck it up", because we only have the SD10 for a month in the summer, spring break and Christmas break. I was told "its only a month"... well everyone's situation is different and even though I don't envy those of you who have your Skids full or part-time, there are a whole different set of problems when you only have them for limited amounts of time. So, its not necessarily easier and definately not a cake walk!
I totally agree. It doesn't
I totally agree. It doesn't matter how many days a month you have them, it's a readjustment every time. I appreciate the ones that were sympathetic and helpful. We are all here for support. All of our problems are unique and affect us differently. Best of luck to you guys. Not sure if I'll stick around with the negative atmosphere (since I am new here).
I don't have my own kids, but
I don't have my own kids, but we have SD every other week (50/50) and lets just say I live for the weeks she is not with us. From the time she walks in the door, my quiet, peaceful home is turned into a messy, obnoxious, drama-filled place that I do not want to be. I can imagine it may be harder if I had my own children that I was trying to spend time with (currently, I work late, go to the gym, or see friends/family when she is with us to get away). That's a tough one. It's so hard having skids around.
Did you expect utopia ???
Did you expect utopia ???
ok the harsh comments could
ok the harsh comments could have been put more politely. If you want to spend special time with your kids thats understandable and you should take one day a week or something for mommy and me time. I think with the SKs maybe you just need some new perspective. You are used to dealing with your kids who require more attention and have had alot more time to bond with. Maybe you should take the step kids out sometime by yourself and be willing to trust him with yours. it doesnt have to be long but i think you should try to bond with them. or maybe even just have the entire family sit down and give everyone a chance to express themselves without judgment. The kids usually have just as hard of a time readjusting as you do if not more. And remember to take all of the advice you get here with a grain of salt. If its useful try it and see how it goes. if its negative, hurtful rude, or unhelpful just ignore it.