What did you want to be called? Stepmother?

I personally prefer to be called my husband's wife rather than stepmother. I do not claim that title.

Sometimes my son in law (SDs hostage I mean husband) refers to me as "SD's Dad's wife. I don't think he means anything by it. Maybe the person giving introductions was just establishing the relationship? Either way could you have a chat with the fdil and decide what she will call you? Perhaps tell her how you would like to be introduced?

I'm actually quite relieved to be called "Dad's wife!" Helps me enjoy my safe space not related to that tribal toxicity. In fact, at the last skid wedding, ysd's bf was being an idiot (basically, uninvited guest crashing w grooms family in the hotel), and the grooms parents were offended, and I could say, OH I agree, I'm not THEM and they knew just what I meant. It's a lovely place to occupy, especially at events like skid weddings.

Me, personally, I would not be offended. DH's kids are adults, and I don't step"parent". Did SS's fiancee introduce you? Maybe she felt "wife" was nicer than "step". Some people think "step" is insulting.

ETA, when SS was married, I would refer to his wife as my husband's DIL. It seemed to be a little clearer to people who didn't know us very well.

I used to want to go around with a sign on me, in the days before disengagement, saying "I am not these two girls mother". I was ashamed of how NPD BM handed them over to us - dishevelled and nit infested.

I would NEVER want to be introduced as so and so's SM - but we are all different, no denying it. I can imagine if I was close to SKIDs I might be hurt in the situation you described.

I would much prefer to be introduced by SD as this is my Dad's wife, I don't want anyone thinking I had any part in the raising of my SD, and really that's all I am to her is Dad's wife.

I also refer to my SM as my Father's wife, because I don't want anyone to think she had any part in my raising, she was never any kind of Mom to me.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it's what works for me.

I can't remember SD using anything other than my first name. It never seemed to make any difference. I can't remember her ever introducing me to anyone - I was always non-existant.

This is a place I end up in often...it has made for some very uncomfortable moments for other people! Moments that in some way have been somewhat funny. I usually get introduced as "my father's wife" ... Or by my first name. somewhat like the original post, I been with my DH 6.5 years, married 5. I didn't raise these people (two sd) and I'm in no way a "mom" to them....yet although I carry no animosity about this type of introduction, it still is can be awkward. I think it is the ease...or non-ease in which it is said that breaks or makes the moment.

I have a wedding shower coming up and anticipate a lot of lovely introduction moments..... Most folks on this forum suggested I don't go...but after much reflection, I'm going. The entire step thing can be tough, but compared to what I have read here...I do have a bit more civility than most....I am going to be a grown up, we will continue to have much contact with them so I don't want , as my mom used to say...cut off my nose to spite my face.

I don't get introduced period - (1) most of the skids don't want anyone knowing they know me (2) that would require manors (3) that would require them to actually stand near me in a social setting and have an actual interaction with me (4) I would have to take off my invisibility cloak as most skids act like I don't exist

BUT same would go the other way, I won't introduce skids if I was ever in a situation like that, which I don't put myself in those situations. I had to go to ysd baby shower, she never acknowledged I was there and could barely choke back a public "thanks" as she was opening the baby shower gift, refused to look my way (except when she was talking about me)

Once when I was with DH someone asked how many kids I had. I told them how many *I* had. Later, found out DH was mad because I didn't mention HIS kids. Like really? He never made his kids respect me and has gone along with their hatred, then he's going to get mad that I didn't mention his kids. He could have piped in and said how many HE had.

I'd rather be called dad's wife, instead of stepmom. But that's just me.

I've introduced my stepmother as "my stepmother." Do I enjoy doing it, no, because she did some rotten things to me as a kid. Add to that the fact that nobody really wants a stepparent anyway. She's not much older than me. She never was a "parent" to me, but it helps keep the peace.

Hopefully the case is that ss' fiancée is a truly nice person who just didn't know what to say/hasn't a clue about stepfamily dynamics and will learn over time. But if ss is a grade a jacka$$ like so many adult sks here, maybe it will become preferable to be introduced as "Dad's wife."

My SDs introduce me as their stepmother. They've also introduced me as Dad's wife. As long as they're not introducing me by anything vulgar, such as "This is the tw@t/b!tch/c*nt I told you about," that's all that matters to me, but everyone has different feelings and preferences.

I wish my dad had remarried after my mother died (age 74) but if he had no matter who it had been I would never have called her my stepmother.

It is understandable that you would feel hurt with all you contributed to their lives and how badly you are bing treated. How short-sighted they are! Maybe some day they will see the sacrifices you have made but for now I think your idea is the best thing you can do. If you still want to have contact with them, give them the same respect as they now give to you. Involve yourself in their lives as much as they want to be involved in yours. I'll bet it will be interesting to see the expression on their faces when you start introducing them as your husband's children. Would SD18 plan a party for your birthday? If the answer is 'No', then let BM do it.

What does your DH say about this?

My husband's eldest daughter also introduces me his as her dad's wife...now that she bothers to introduce me at all! And yes I find it offensive given all the time with her and all I did including the years she lived full-time with us. But, as this is the way she wants it this is fine with me. I am nothing more to her than her dad's wife and guess what, she is nothing more to me than my husband's eldest daughter. My younger sd on the other hand proudly refers to me as her step-mom - on occasion her mom - every single time. There is a huge difference. Don't stress about it. It works two ways!

I am just Dad to my Skid. The other guy, DipShit the SpermIdiot .... he is "Gangster Dad". Lol!!!!

When we last visited SS we took he and several of his USAF AirMen co-workers to dinner. SS was telling family stories when one of his coworkers asked if I was "Dad or Gangster Dad". I laughed so hard that I spit margarita across the table. My kid calmly responded that I was his Dad and that Gangster Dad was the other one. His mom busted a gut I have to say.

Classic. I loved it.

Apparently the kid has to clarify fairly frequently during office conversations the difference between Dad and Gangster Dad. He does not refer to me as his StepDad. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. I am the only fulltime/REAL dad he has ever had.

The other guy appears to be a topic of much myrth and ridicule when the kid is telling stories about family.

My parents are also the grandparents he refers to the most in conversation. No mistaking who they are. The grandkids all call them Deema and Deepa. My brothers oldest son could not say Gramma and Grammpa when he was a baby and it came out as Deema and Deepa. It stuck.

Do not sweat this minor set back IMHO. These kids know who and what you are to them. The problem is that weddings are stressful times and I am sure your SS and his STBDW are trying to keep BM from blowing a gasket during the whole process.

Hang in there.

Sincerely,

I hope you have a better experience than I did. I have been married to my skids dad for 7 years - together for 14. We did not move in together until married and we never lived together as a family. I have done everything I could for the two skids (SD,SS)more than the bm. My husband had custody. SS got married last year-shower went well-I spen just as much on shower gifts as MOB,I BEHAVED bm was there all wee there all was fine. We were not aknowledged at the rehearsal dinner (we paid for)as all 3 others were. both moms got gift fob got gift. ss just sat there my husband was shell shocked-almost didnt go to wedding. night of rehearsal dinner bm(cheater) wanted a hug from my husband (they have not been together for 20 yrs.) she is the reason we did not marry sooner-i could not expose my child to IT , so we waited till both skids were 18+.) My husband did not want to hug it...no scene he merley kept her at arms length. we get to wedding I didn't recieve corsage-we were in front row. BM made scene throughout wedding and reception-I can't go into detail. My son left before dinner. It was that bad. we left early. $6000.00 gone airfare, gifts....clothes... hotel. SS blames my husband for bm behavior. She showed up drunk and ruined everything. Because she didn't get her hug nite before. NOW we got pics only beacuse my husband apologized. we all had long talk everything was supposed to be fine. We contiuously have taken the high road- gifts, cards. My husband recieved a christmas gift addressed to him. the moving announcement to him. I was ignored on Mothers day (have not been in Past). I don't know what to do.

I was introduced as stepmom at dinner. bride thanked me for coming, my husband who raised and educated SS got nothing

To me, the title "stepmother" implies obligations I am no longer willing to meet. I even told my DH I am now their father's wife and they are my husband's adult children.
Been there, done that, glad it's over.

@ Rags- Dad and Gangster Dad- that's priceless!!!!!
growing up, we specified by either 'mom-SMfirstname' or "Mom-mom"

no weddings yet, but so far skids tell people i'm 'firstname' or 'my stepmom', which i have to admit gives me warm fuzzies (as opposed to 'stepmother' or 'dad's wife'). if we run into their friends or something, i'll introduce myself as 'firstname' and the others can usually figure out the relationship. keep in mind too that they were all young when we met. had they been adults or near adults when we met, i have a feeling i'd probably prefer 'dad's wife'...

on a side note, we were at MSS's sporting events last weekend, and one of his teammates flat out asked me (about DH) "are you guys, like, married or what?" we both laughed and said 'married'. his mom kinda hissed his name cuz she thought it was a bit personal of him to ask, but i told her "i'd rather he ask straight out than go through the whole season wondering 'who is that woman that always shows up with MSS's dad?'!!"

I loved and respected my stepdad and he was always introduced as that...sometimes dad even. I would never disrespect him by calling him my mom's husband. I was just always one of 'his girls' my older brothers would sometimes introduce him as their mom's husband...I don't know how my step-dad felt about it, he was good to all of us

My ysd treats me much the same way I treated my step-dad - maybe I have him to thank for that! She introduces me proudly and to any and all friends as her step-mom. She once said to dh and I when we were engaged that she was sooooooo happy we were getting married as it was so much easier to introduce me as her stepmom rather that her dad's girlfriend. Sometimes she has been asked by strangers if I'm her mom and she answers yes happily to that too

She has my total respect

”same dad, different mum” when asked who that girl was by a woman. She stared awkwardly because its such a specific thing like so she’s your sister but nope had to emphasise how they aren’t family and she has the same dad as them but different mum

my ss calls me aunty which his cousins grilled him for. I am not your aunty but your stepmum and most of the time he just says whatever he wants, doesn’t acknowledge me he just asks what he is after and expects a response.. huh huh huh tends to be my sarcastic answer

I actually wouldn't mind being referred to as dad's wife, IF that truly meant the step-child in question actually thought of you that way--as dad's wife.  If the step-child recognizes you as an actual wife vs. dad's whatever, that's half the battle.  If that were the case, you could actually attend family functions without having to worry about where you'll be seated, since if your step-child truly does see you as dad's wife, it should clearly be a no brainer--you'd be seated every time next to your husband.

Unfortunately, I fear when most step-children or others use that term, it is for the most part meant to be derogatory, as in this is JUST my dad's wife, or this is his thang and I'm not invested in it and don't have to be, and I don't have to abide by any of the traditional house- or huband-wife rules regarding his thang, etc.

So, given that, I can't really embrace that term, although I have to admit I have heard some women being okay with or using that term.  But, I would venture they are thinking like I do sometimes that in some ways that term does more accurately define a SM's main role: as dad's wife vs. as some kind of secondary mother.  I can't stand it when people act like a SM's main purpose is to be the mom whenever the SKs are around and BM is not, and therefore BM gets the biggest hold on SM's collar and can yank it anytime she wants because SM is somehow parenting or mis-parenting her children.  No!  SM is just trying to be a wife to her husband and along with her husband, create the fun and boundaries for their household.  That is usually the case.  Now, whether the fun and acceptance of boundaries takes place or not. . .  that is usually up to BM and DH and how they parent and whether or not rehashing sour grapes is more important to them than raising their kids properly.

...that sometimes people don't know how to intruduce us.  I remember wone time my SS who normall calls me "mom" and has since he was little, got confused in a setting where both his bio mother and I were and after stuttering called me "the other mom"...lol   When he came for his next visit I told him when his mother and I were at the same event that it was perfectly fine to refer to me as his stepmother. I actually think the real issue here is that he didn't want to embarrass his bio mother.  

I think it's important not to get humg up on minutia.  Yes, as step parents we often get overlooked, forgotten and kicked to the curb.  But I always say, don't do it for "praise", do it for "self gratification".  The latter is what keeps you going.  Heck, truth be told bio kids do the same except they know what to call you...lol  

I was introduced a “my dad’s wife” only, no name.  I just held out my hand and introduced my self as Debbie.  I didn’t think that I had to teach an adult manners!