Update: If skid starts living with us full-time, why do we still have to pay BM support???
So DH just told me that in their hour long lunchtime conversation, BM finally told him why she wants to keep SS: she needs him in order to keep the 3 bedroom government assisted home that she has. Her rent is based on her "income" so its $150/month.
She asked him if he was still going to keep paying her support when we take SS full-time.
DH says well...the money should go to raising SS
BM then says she needs it to keep her apartment
Dh says well maybe I can keep paying for awhile til you get a job
Bm then says, you know I can always go after alimony.
I was so mad when DH told me that. I would have flipped out on her. For one, DH and her were together 3 months before they got pregnant and they were together off an on until SS was 2. They were never married. 3. She cheated on DH and married her now ex-hubby 4. She then had a child with her now ex-hubby 5. Now she and ex-hubby are "separated"
I really don't think she has a leg to stand on asking for alimony. But I'm scared as hell. I hate that she has so much power over our lives. Can she really ask for alimony after separating with my DH over 6 years ago? Won't the judge see that she's only after money? I'm so mad right now...
Hang on. If I am reading
Hang on. If I am reading this correctly. She married someone else after her relationship with your DH ended. If that is correct, call her bluff. Let her go for alimony, it will be her ex husband she has to get it from. I always thought spousal supported ended when the person receiving that support remarried. If that is correct then your husband has no financial obligations towards her at all. Only for the child. If the child is full time with the father then she is entitled I would think to NOTHING. With no child to look after she can work longer hours to earn more. To pay for her apartment, or she can go after her last husband for support.
She cannot get alimony from
She cannot get alimony from him. She is screwing with him, hoping he doesn't know any better. Do not let her have this power over you guys. Convince your DH to stop this nonsense of paying her CS if he takes custody. If he gives in to her, it will NEVER stop.
Why is she willing to give him custody in the first place?
She only has the power over
She only has the power over you that your husband allows her to have. Take the child if she is willing to give him up as clearly the child would be better off with dad. And let her get alimony from her ex husband. Your fear she will get alimony, your husbands fear he won't get his child are tge only two things giving her power. Other than that, she has none.
That's what I'm talkin'
That's what I'm talkin' about. Bitch needs to be taken down a notch. Or four.
Alimony is for married
Alimony is for married people! You don't get it because you got knocked up.
I think she meant palimony,
I think she meant palimony, but bottom line....she's been married since they lived together and had a child. She's blowing smoke up his ass. I recommend calling her bluff and standing firm. It is NOT his job to support this woman. She can go out and get a job and find a different place to live.
She's got some balls on her to threaten him with alimony. What a freaking douche-bag bitch.
Thank you everybody for the
Thank you everybody for the reassurance that she is in fact crazy! DH doesn't really think she could get alimony but none the less would rather not stir the pot. He's pretty stressed right now and won't really talk to me about it. BM also told him today that she thinks SS8 is gay because he was caught showing his private parts to other boys at school.
DH doesn't really think she
DH doesn't really think she could get alimony but
There is no "but", she CANNOT get alimony OR palimony.
Sorry, but your DH is truly clueless or he is using that as an excuse to not stand up to her for some other reason. Why would he be willing to support her? What pot does he not want to stir?
There is only one way to deal with women like her and it is to arm yourself with knowledge and call all her bluffs. Document everything and record calls if your state allows it. I mean, seriously, the only reason she does not want to give up custody is because she might lose her apartment? I would love to get that on tape.
Again, why is she willing to give up custody in the first place?
She's offered up SS to us
She's offered up SS to us many times already, saying she can't handle him anymore. I would say at least once a year in the 5 years DH and I have been together. SS has ADHD and is a lot to handle but he actually is a sweet kid. He's having a lot of problems at school, mostly just that he doesn't pay attention, doesn't complete tasks, etc. But nothing like hitting other kids or anything like that. BM is very wishy washy. One day she will decide we need to take him off her hands, the next day, she's like he can't come live with you anymore because he will miss me too much. DH usually doesn't put that much thought into it. He just knows that he wants SS to live with us and will be agreeable to BM that way. But when she withdraws her offer, nothing happens. Life goes on. But now SS's behavior is getting worse. He's run away 4 times in the past few months. His school work is getting worse. He has to be on a higher dosage of medication as per BM's doctor. So DH is more adament than ever that BM allow SS to come live with us.
As for my DH, he is a very easily persuaded guy. BM knows how to sweet talk him and make whatever she is saying sound reasonable. I would know right off the bat is she starting threatening stuff, but DH sees her in a different light I guess. MAybe he has residual feelings or something. I honestly don't doubt that. He says he hates her and hates talking to her. But when he's actually talking to her I can see his tone soften. I may be ultra-sensitive to it but it sounds like the tone he uses to talk with me.
If your DH wants what's best
If your DH wants what's best for his kid (a stable environment), he needs to put some thought into it. He needs to take BM out of the equation and ignore her "sweet talk" (that he falls for that would piss me off) and work on a plan to get custody of his son. No excuses, no feeling sorry for BM, and no paying her CS if the kid lives with you.
He needs to talk to a lawyer, not BM.
you're right about the
you're right about the custody thing except DH fought for custody right before I met him. Then he got a really good job offer and moved away ending the custody battle and leaving him with no legal or physical custody. He has liberal access when he is in town. I don't think he wants to go through with a long expensive dramatic custody battle again with BM. She has no income so she gets Legal Aid and can draw out the fight as she doesn't have to pay for her legal services. DH and I can't afford to go through that. So as much as he wants custody, he is only going to pursue it if BM hands SS over.
Well, it sounds like she's
Well, it sounds like she's only willing to sell him to your DH for monthly payments.
YES!
YES!
newmommy, I understand your
newmommy, I understand your DH wants what's best for his son. I understand he wants to avoid the cost of a custody trial. What he needs to understand is that without getting a legal, binding custody order, this is going to backfire.
There is a reason she will not voluntarily (and legally) sign over custody. From what you've posted, she has no morals, no integrity, and does not give a flying rats ass what is best for her son. He is a pawn to her and she is going to yank him back and forth whenever is suits her and your stepson's behavior will only get worse because of it. He will end up resenting your DH for allowing it to happen.
Do some research, ask around. Perhaps there is a lawyer or an organization that can help without putting you into debt.
Even if he doesn't care about paying her CS if the kid lives with you guys, your DH not having legal custody is of no benefit to your DH or his son when she can still call the shots. That's not the stable environment he needs.
Yes I agree also. Thank you
Yes I agree also. Thank you for the advice. I will let DH know what he should do. But I have a question: Since there is no direct CO visitation schedule. Basically BM has sole legal and physical custody, DH has "liberal access" for 1 weekend a month, but since we live 9 hours away, we only go to their hometown about once every 2 months. And there is no summer visitation schedule either in the CO (stupid I know). So last summer BM asked DH if he wants to take SS for the summer, DH said sure. BM can't keep a timetable though so I never knew when SS was coming or going. He ended up staying for about 6 weeks and DH keep paying BM child support while we had him. This summer same thing. But again, its not court ordered. So knowing that and the fact that BM has stated repeatedly how she wants us to keep SS fulltime, should we keep paying the child support until we can establish a new custody arrangement even though we will have SS fulltime at that point? I'm really confused. I will go with DH to talk to a lawyer about this, but just wanted to know what you all think...
I would not keep him past the
I would not keep him past the summer visitation until custody is legally changed. It will be sending her the wrong message and she will still have the legal right to yank him back at anytime, which will not be good for your SS or your DH.
Also, if things go okay for awhile, it could allow your DH to get lazy and drop the ball, thinking it will work out without worrying about the legality of it. He will find himself in a mess, one way or another, in the end.
Go through the proper channels and do not take him full time until then.