If skid starts living with us full-time, why do we still have to pay BM support???
Forums:
BM is whining that she will lose her house, car, etc. if SS comes to live with us fulltime. She doesn't work and depends on her welfare checks and child support checks to keep her afloat. She has worked about 2 weeks since SS was born (he's 9 now). DH and BM were never married and got pregnant with SS after 4 months together and they stayed together for 2 years after he was born. I don't know why DH feels like he has to keep supporting her even though we will have SS full-time plus all the expenses that come with that. BM obviously will not be paying child support, and she will only have visitation 1 weekend once every 3 months as we will 9 hours away.
You have to pay according to
You have to pay according to what the Child Support Enforcement Agency in your state determines to be the right amount. If custody changes and DH does not go have it revisited, then he's just an idiot. I wouldn't allow that for a single minute.
We have skids coming to live with us full time for the summer .. and DH still has to pay child support to BM. Even though she will only see them 4 weekends all summer. It's because CS is calculated on an annual basis. DH is pissed about it .. but it is what it is.
They do have a CO. But I'm
They do have a CO. But I'm sure neither of them will think about going to get that amended. I mentioned it to DH once before when BM initially told us to take SS full-time, but he probably doesn't remember.
Remind him again. If he's
Remind him again. If he's taking the skid on full time, he needs to legally protect himself. He also needs to have child support revisited. If he doesn't, you need to get comfortable with forking out money to his ex-wife who hardly sees the kid.
^^^UMMMM Yeah, DUH! Why
^^^UMMMM Yeah, DUH! Why wouldn't he do this?
Since you husband likes to
Since you husband likes to throw money away, can you please ask him to toss some my way?
Do you help with living expenses? If so, refuse to pay for anything until he at least tries to end the CS payments. If he can afford to just hand BM free money, he doesn't need help with the mortgage, electric, food, insurance..
There is absolutely no way in
There is absolutely no way in hell this would go over with me. No way.
^^^Exactly^^^ If I am going
^^^Exactly^^^
If I am going to be stuck with some bitch's brat FULL TIME she BETTER NOT BE GETTING A PENNY OF MY MAN'S MONEY OR I WILL BE D.O.N.E. WITH HIS ASS!!! FOR REAL!!!
The first thing you need to
The first thing you need to do is get BM to let SS come live with you. Then you need to get primary custody LEGALLY. Once you do this, then it is all on your DH to get CS amended. Some places you can do that at the same time. Some places, you need to do it separately.
But either way, just because she pushed a baby out her hooha doesn't mean he is responsible for paying for her crap the rest of her life!
If he did, I would take MY income and pay off all the bills that have MY name attached to them. Then show him the door because that it is epitome of disrespect to you and even his OWN kid!
If my DH wanted to give money
If my DH wanted to give money to another woman he would no longer be my DH.
Ding, ding, ding!
Ding, ding, ding!
You should tell your DH that
You should tell your DH that Child Support is the RIGHT OF THE CHILD. So by continuing to support his ex, he is not respecting his own child's rights.
You won't have to keep paying
You won't have to keep paying CS once you have custody.... if ..... your DH choses not to continue paying BM the intallment plan payments for squeezing out the Skid.
For many, CS payments are nothing but prostitution on the installment plan. Your BM seems to qualify for the residual income for a sex trophy category.
Why your DH would continue to pay CS once he has his child in his custody is beyond me.
For damned sure I would not tolerate him continuing the installment hooker payments to BM if I were you.
IMHO of course.
He doesn't want to. But he
He doesn't want to. But he also doesn't want to "rock the boat" with BM in any way shape or form. He's scared that she will demand SS go back to her or something. BTW I think they are planning to do this non-legally. The last time they talked, they discussed just writing out something and each of them will sign.
I don't think so but would
I don't think so but would check with your attorney first regarding how to properly cease doing so.
If you have SS9 living with
If you have SS9 living with you full time your living costs will go up, and BM's will go down. Food, clothes, school supplies, transport, entertainment, it all costs.
If you are well off and don't need the child support in order to afford those extra costs, then DH should put the money in a savings account for his sons future. There is really no justifiable reason to pay child support to the mother if she is no longer going to use it to support the child.
Typically non custodial fathers adopt a don't-rock-the-boat, chew-your-own-leg-off-rather-than-start-a-fight stance with their ex's. It is borne out of fear of alienating the children through conflict with the mother. Even crazy decisions like paying child support to someone with no child can be justified when you have programmed yourself to keep the peace and maintain the status quo at all cost. But your DH is about to get custody of his son, it's time to reprogramme, he just needs some help to see this.
When we got custody of one of DH's 2 children still living with BM, he was perfectly prepared to continue paying BM for 2 children instead of 1. He cared more about having SD live with him than the money and was concerned that if he provoked BM by reducing her child support she would 'do something' to stop SD moving in. It took a couple of weeks for me to persuade him that a. it was SD's decision and there was nothing BM could do to stop it, and b. our living costs had gone up with her in residence and we needed that money to support her here. He modified the payments down to the correct amount for 1 child in the end, but really given that we had 1 of their children and BM had the other, she should probably have paid US child support for SD. I didn't even bother going there though, that really would have been kicking the hornets nest.
You are right. That's exactly
You are right. That's exactly it. He's so scared that BM will change her mind yet again, that he'd rather just keep paying her. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it but I'm not sure how that will go.
I read your other post about
I read your other post about her concern about losing her 3 bedroom house, and the fact that SS has been diagnosed with ADHD etc.
You should explain to DH that you personally are taking on a lot and making a huge commitment in having his child move in with you. You're doing that because you love him, but you need him to support you to the hilt. His child has special needs, you both need to be focussed on helping him, bonding as a family and adjusting to having him living with your full time. You want it to be a positive experience. The last thing you need is to be watching every penny and stressing about money because you are not only supporting BM but now have increased costs from another child to feed, clothe, and support. Continuing to pay out money to BM, when you need it to take care of SS, is not a viable long terms solution.
If he is concerned that BM will change her mind maybe you could try a compromise, and he agrees to continue paying BM for 6 months while she finds a job and gets on her own feet. I can see why a mother with a special needs child would want to be a full time parent, but she's really got no excuse not to work once he's no longer living with her. Either that or he gets crafty and doesn't tell BM he is going to stop her child support until SS is in residence and it is already done and dusted.
I feel for you newmommy... I
I feel for you newmommy... I understand your DH not wanting to rock the boat... my DH does the same thing. However, I agree with some of the posts above stating that doing this informally is a VERY bad idea, and will backfire on you both.
Unless your DH is super rich and can afford to continue to pay BM CS and have HIS cost of living expenses go up (because of SS) then he needs to take her to court to establish that he is now the CP. If she can pay CS then great, if not, then that's ok too... just have DH use the CS he was giving BM to help take care of SS.
Before you go to court I would suggest documenting all of the time you have SS compared to the time SS is with BM.
BUT If your BM is anything like my SD's BM- she's going to fight like hell to keep that paycheck coming.
We live 9 hours away from
We live 9 hours away from each other, so we don't see SS often except for holiday weekends and about 6 weeks in the summer. Whenever we are in town (about once every 2 months), she lets DH get SS for a weekend. We had accepted this to be the schedule for the foreseeable future, but BM told us she can no longer handle SS and wants DH to take him.
We are definately not super
We are definately not super rich. We have enough but we are by no means well off. We, and by we I mean I, choose to live frugally. BTW-just a question, should we not take SS even for the summer, until we can establish the change in custody ad child support legally? Or should we take him anyways, continue to pay child support and look at it as just visitation?
It depends. Will BM
It depends. Will BM willingly sign off on a legal change? Will SS only be living there full time for the summer, or is this for the long haul?
If BM won't cooperate, go ahead and start the schedule and prove that you've had him majority of the time. It will be easier for a judge to grant the custody change if it's already what's in place. Same goes for child support.
I wouldn't sit on this change though .. the sooner you get this process started, the sooner you'll have solid resolution.
I wouldn't cancel planned
I wouldn't cancel planned visitation, that's important time for SS to spend with his Dad and your family. It's also maybe a test run for how you would cope if he moves in. I would look at it as visitation until the change in custody has been agreed, unless custody changes before summer visitation starts.
I would take him for the
I would take him for the summer, and again, document how much time he is spending with you compared to BM and maybe have her send something in writing (or get you DH to figure out a way to get her to say something in writing) about her not being able to handle SS and wanting your DH to take him.
And then when the time comes use that in court against her.
IMHO of course
Im not sure if this is a
Im not sure if this is a guilt thing or a court thing. My older brother pays child support to his ex-wife/sons mom that is court ordered even though he lives full time with him and has a ton of medical expenses because of therapy and medical problems that came of her having him full time.
DH doesnt have to pay child support because of several reasons and we dont have ss full time. But there was a time when he was giving bm money to do what she needed to with ss. So I told him that if he was going to do that, that we would get a prepaid walmart student master card. Because I wanted to see where the money was going, and I could monitor it completely. The money was supposed to be going to ss preschool. It turns out she was spending it on herself and fast food, and I even found multiple porn site charges. So I told my husband that was that and this is to support ss not her. He didnt argue with me. Mostly because He brings home the pay checks but I pay the bills.
The walmart card was a good Idea, it caught her in so many lies, maybe it will work for you.