So, since this is a place to VENT; allow me to introduce myself :)
First of all, I've been a long time lurker, gleaned some comfort just in knowing I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm not a monster. I'm a normal everyday level headed, hard working, self sufficient gal with my own two bio kids. I've been running my life as a single mom for the last 7 years, my own house, bills, responsibilities.
Until recently. I've lost my mind, I'm sunk in a depression the likes of which I've never known, I've married a man I'm absolutely wildly madly in love with, a more than decent stand up human being....WITH TWO MONSTROUS CHILDREN.
Got married, moved me and my two kids into his home which he previously shared with his ex. My kids, astonishingly, have adjusted to the mayhem quite well. Pretty much keep to themselves and are largely self sufficient and are mature beyond their years.
It's a completely 'nother story about my coming to grips with making "another woman's home my own" but I'm getting there...
I have a son 13, daughter, 11. SD 16, SS 11. Both SK are off the chain ADHD, both medicated, but imho poorly controlled. But i dunno? this is my first ever close experience with ADHD so, maybe its par for the course. I'm reading up on understanding it, trying to learn to cope and how to effectively communicate with ADHD people.
We have my kids full time, every two weeks they take weekends with their dad. We have SKs every other week, for a week or 10 days at a time....because, well, you know, BM can't get her shit together to be a decent mom and do her "fair share"
My DH and the BM settled on a 50/50 split, so neither pays the other support. That's never going to change. The fact that we get stuck with them the majority of the time means nothing to anyone...but me.
I've only been married now 3 months and I'm already finding myself feeling like the BIGGEST FOOL in the world. I knew full well this would be hard work. But "knowing" something in notion, or on paper, is never what reality turns out to be...apparently.
I am consistently disgusted with just how freaking lazy, disruptive, messy, and chaotic those two kids are. Loud doesn't even begin to describe my household. Everything is a good-time party all the time, yay!
I have a 6000 sq ft three level house to maintain now, with six people in it. Coming from my little quiet controlled world of a 1300 sq ft ranch with three people, I'm in environmental shock.
Last week, before SKs arrived, just as every weekend before they do, I enjoyed a spotless home. As of this cathartic baby fit rant, I literally just hauled out FOUR FULL garbage bags of trash from this house; their bedrooms, bathrooms, misc trash on the floors around my house. I also collected an entire dishwasher load full, plus a sink, of dirty dishes from bedrooms, basement, etc. How.is.this.possible. ????
I spent $300 at the grocery store 4 days ago. As of this morning, we have not one thing left to show of it.
All these two do is eat like its their job and leave absolute mayhem in their wake.
Yes, we've done chore charts. Yes, we've said no food outside the kitchen. Yes, we've had family meeting after family meeting laying down ground rules. I'm so tired of hearing myself talk....repeating the same shit over and over and they still live like feral animals.
I could write a book by now but the minute details aren't important. My examples are too numerous to list...my story is quite similar to everyone's here, bits and pieces. I don't know what advice, if any, anyone could give me that I'm not already trying. Hence, I guess this is just a vent, for an audience who "gets it"
I thought, somehow, my organized influence and positive attitude coming into this would win over the previous BM presence and living like white trash ghetto, etc. but alas, again I'm the fool.
Chaos eclipses calm
Dirty eclipses clean
Disrespect eclipses respect
Irresponsibility eclipses personal accountability
And I am FRESH OUT of ideas on how to model, explain, yell, chart, text or otherwise in any fashion communicate to these heathens HOW PROPER LIVING SHOULD BE.
Before deciding that "she couldn't be a wife and a mother anymore" BM did NOTHING to instill into these kids any degree of personal accountability and good stewardship. DH admits, that as hard as he tried to counter her failings, in the latter years, he pretty much gave up too and deeply regrets it.
For my DHs part, he IS on my side and he is trying very hard to change these kids around. He is patient and loving to me, listens to my bitching and whining, supports whatever ideas I have and tries to add to them. He's in a very precarious spot; his kids are still healing from their mom bailing out on her marriage and family...and he's trying to accommodate me and my two kids, whom he loves very much and enjoys having them. He has admitted that my kids are "easy to love and parent" and my kids adore him.
And that, too, makes me a StepMonster. my kids? About as good as any parent could ever ask for. Quiet, self restrained, good students, respectful, neat, tidy. So here we go with the "my kids are perfect and yours are animals" but DAMN if it isn't the TRUTH!!! DH even admits, "he's got it so easy compared to me"
Yes, I'm in therapy now. Yes, I'm on an antidepressant. Yes, I take Xanax like its my job. And ya know what? Even all that PISSES ME OFF!!! I have to medicate myself, seek professional help, and "stoop" to ranting on a website....just to SURVIVE. Everyone else? Just peachy.
As I sit and enjoy a quick chain smoking, posting rant here, I have 8 loads of laundry waiting for me and a kitchen that is HELTER SKELTER. And, of course, the typical text just came in to DH...."do you mind keeping the kids one more night cuz I've got a hangnail..." Why, of course we don't mind sweetie! We have an unlimited budget to feed them with, and endless patience to tolerate their presence and total entitled bullshit! NOT.
That is DH Achilles heel. He will NEVER send his children off to her when she doesn't want them. He will never make them to feel as if they aren't welcome here. And in theory, I agree with the principal, BUT it is COSTING ME greatly. And what is he to do?
With the help of this site, I've begun to try and practice "disengagement" with limited success. I am a control freak by nature, and my maternal instincts are to not give up but to come back harder and harder. I see how this is probably self-defeating, that I could probably enjoy some relief in disengaging somewhat. But the bigger part of me feels like, NO, dammit! This is MY HOUSE MY RULES, you learn to live MY WAY, or don't come here......which we've ready discussed, won't happen, they will ALWAYS be a fixture in my life now.
Anyone who has taken the time to read this, I thank you. I am always open to prayer, realistic problem solving, and seasoned experience from others. Right now I just feel defeated...and really needed the experience of pounding this all out on the keys, for an audience who understands, and may be on the ready with nothing more than a "hey girl I'm sorry I know it's a mess, but it may get better, hang in there" cuz good grief to say any of this anyplace else in this world (besides behind closed doors with my therapist) just PROVES that all remarried women are indeed the Stepmonsters Disney created 
Thank you folks for letting me spend part of my afternoon here.
Ha! I swear I just told DH
Ha! I swear I just told DH that when they're out of school for the summer I was going to do the "one plate set" idea! He recalled that is exactly what they used to do in Boy Scouts.
LOVING THE SCRUBS IDEA!!!!
Oh and yes, the 16 year old dearly LOVES to do her own laundry...at midnight when we are asleep, and wash one to three items at a time with 4 or 5 Tide pods in my massive super deluxe full capacity washer. I told DH that if she touches my freaking washer one more time and only washes her crap like that, I'm charging her for the detergent and softener, no coupons either. I bought a bucket of 72 tide pods last weekend on super saver....I have literally 12 left. SIXTY PODS IN A WEEK??!!! Again, HOW is that even possible?! DH is challenging the SS of taking them and playing with them....which he is quite likely of being guilty of. He does stupid shit like that. Like, takes an ENTIRE BOX of baking soda or kosher salt from the kitchen and a brand new bottle of peroxide "just to see what happens" what happens is, I loose my mind and go ape shit.
I speak fluent Riesling
Thank you !!!
I love the way you think!!
I love the way you think!!
"For my DHs part, he IS on my
"For my DHs part, he IS on my side and he is trying very hard to change these kids around. He is patient and loving to me, listens to my bitching and whining, supports whatever ideas I have and tries to add to them. He's in a very precarious spot; his kids are still healing from their mom bailing out on her marriage and family."
Are these kids in therapy? Because it sounds like medication alone is not helping them with their ADHD. Maybe their treatment plans need adjusting. They also could really benefit from having a third party to vent to about their ADHD, their parents' divorce and their mom not really being there for them.
DH needs to be on everyone's side. Not just yours and not just that of his kids. Stepfamilies present many learning curves for all their members and it's his job as a dad and husband to support EVERYONE in this. He needs to be actively involved in helping them with their ADHD. He needs to actively be involved in getting them therapy, and in their therapy (once they've started it). He needs to help teach them ways to appropriately vent and cope. He needs to provide them with unconditional love and support. He also has to enforce rules and consequences at your home and insist that they treat you and your kids respectfully. They don't have to love or like you but they must treat you all respectfully. He can teach them how to come to him with problems in this situation (and others) in ways that don't disrespect you or anyone else.
Maybe he needs to also look into getting them into life skills programs for people with ADHD.
I appreciate this VERY MUCH!
I appreciate this VERY MUCH! I have said before I think they need to be seeing someone too...since, in my fresh perspective on it all, there is a TON of work they need to be learning for themselves, for now, and in the long haul to be decent human beings! The ADHD impulse controls, and the divorce fallout, the remarriage, all of it.
And yes, oh my geez yes, I agree DH would be best served himself and the kids, if he's directly involved with that.
Great suggestion, and one I'm going to work on with DH for sure.
^^ I agree with Justforthis.
Man you are so right about
Man you are so right about the "De-frag" time it takes to retrain them. We spend the first three days of every week we have them trying to UN do their bs from their party week at BMs.
As much as I hate being around them and complain, part of me thinks it would be so much easier if they WERE with us ALL the time
(A very SMALL PART)
Thank you for your input
I think the same. I don't
I think the same. I don't like having SD around but I think it may be easier in some ways if she were with us all the time because we wouldn't have to deal with the back and forth madness. BM has no rules at her house so it's hard for SD to get re-adjusted when she comes back to our hosue. And by the time she starts acting right, it's back to BM's.. it's just a never-ending cycle.
You make a valid point. DH
You make a valid point. DH and I had the chance to reclaim this property for a ridiculously low price. I naively agreed to this, thinking, "it's just a house...."
We have, spent a fortune remodeling, redecorating, and refurbishing the house exactly to MY specifications and even mostly MY furniture from my old house. And that, has been a HUGE complaint from mostly the 16 year old...and some too from the 11 year old.
I have figuratively "pissed on the bushes" with my touch, and my attitude, and I really won't back down from it. I realize though, that you're right, they will ALWAYS believe this is THEIR house and no matter my efforts, that attitude will remain pulsing to some degree.
Your input is appreciated! Thank you for taking time to read and put thought into my situation.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your affirmative compliments, and thoughts on my situation. I try to be a good mom for sure, but honestly it's only by the grace of God my two have turned out so good this far!!! I have hit the lottery when it comes to my kids, and I am so very grateful for that.
You've def given me a few things to think about here.
Yes, his kids are appropriately dx'd with the ADHD labels. Trouble is...again...BM does not make certain they are consistently receiving their medication on a daily/timely schedule. This has been a huge point of contention betwixt her and my DH. Those poor kids, by the time they reach our house...their meds are all screwed up, they are chemically messed up, maybe she's been giving them the noon meds in the morning or vice/versa...hasn't adequately supplied the school nurse with daytime dosages, etc. DH just had another knock down drag out with her that HE AND ONLY HE is to pick up their scripts and meds from docs and pharmacy and HE will personally ensure schools get what they need. DH has also had to, sadly, talk to SD16, and basically say, while you're at moms house you've GOT to woman up and be 1000% responsible for getting your own meds in a.m. And your brothers too. ASK YOUR MOM for help or call me if you have questions! Trouble there again...SD16 LOVES TO BE OFF her meds cuz it's party central in her brain! This is where, as a PP discussed, I think we've got to insist she get into therapy, like, yesterday.
When they are with us and even properly medicated, I am still VERY SENSITIVE to their very flamboyant, loud, gregarious personalities and actions. Also, the afternoon/evening "falloff" times are nothing short of hell for me. And even despite being medicated, the weekends, with SS11 is just a nerve bender for me. That kid never stops. And even, all this ADHD meds stuff aside...I frankly just "don't like" either one of their personalities
I did at first. But the longer I'm around them, I have such trouble finding the good things. And then I feel awful. And ride that lovely hamster wheel of guilt/loathing/self hatred!
Mothering my own two as a single mom for so long, I just had it all nailed down to an art. I really enjoyed the comfort of being in control and pretty much led an ordinary, no surprises kind of life. Now? It's all about every time the SS11 leaves the house whose mother is gonna come pounding on the door? What or who is going to get broken or destroyed? It's literally like babysitting a hyperactive chimpanzee and I hate it! I have NO control of the environment around me anymore. The skids do, when they are there.
You are right. DH has shown the capacity to empaththize with me and hear me out. Now it's gonna be my job to hold his feet to the fire a little bit and ask for more ACTION, cuz, again you're right, it's NOT my place all the time to feel like I've got to reel it all in. I would be shocked if his reactions were anything but affirmative and positive....I need to get better at SPECIFICALLY verbalizing my NEEDS.
After I pounded out my OP yesterday I spent a great deal of time last night telling DH about my ever growing feelings and frustrations about all this. We are still fresh out of the gate here @ married 3 mos. we've got the opportunity to really FAIL HARD or get this crap REALLY RIGHT, right NOW. He's making it a point today to talk to our insurance co for some referrals on child therapists and DH will accompany me to my therapist, who is highly experienced in familial situations with blended families and ADHD kids.
Ps. So, last night at 11:30pm after having worked in my flower beds all day, doing everyone's laundry, grilling, etc., I really just wanted a scalding hot shower and bed. NO HOT WATER. why? Because the freaking SD16 was DOING LAUNDRY AGAIN!!! Man, I lost my mind! TIDE POD WAR...GAME ON!
You are sooooo right about hiding my laundry stuff. I'm gonna. I think I'll go to the dollar tree and buy her a bottle of the cheap stuff and just put it in her bedroom. HEY! BRAINSTORM! better yet...whenever I'M done doing laundry, I'm going to start turning off the water valve to the washer!!!! Hee hee
Consequences and
Consequences and accountability. That is the primary advice I have for you. A 16yo and an 11yo can do the dishes, their own laundry and do what they are told when they are told or they can suffer the consequences of their actions.
It is their father's responsibility to hold them accountable. I would not clean up after them if I were you. If they are that messy then pile their mess on their bed and let them sleep in it. Dirty dishes and all.
Hang in there.
Good luck.
You are the second person in
You are the second person in my life now that's suggested the trash on their beds deal. I have to say, part of me believes that may be a direction to take! If they're going to drag their trash and mess all over MY "new" house, then, they may need a taste of their own medicine. Can't hurt to try it at least once.
And, I'm in total agreement about DH needing to hold them accountable. I find tho I am here with them alone quite a bit, so I need to get inventive and resourceful for immediate hands-on consequences and interventions. Then, DH can lay into them too.
Thanks for the advice!
I am soooo sorry that you are
I am soooo sorry that you are going through this.
I will be completely honest when I say I have no advice. I can not control my own SD8 and it makes me want to loose my mind. The only thing I can bring to the table is a bottle of wine and the "its only 10 more years".
I truly hope things get better and if you find a way please share with the rest of us. Other than that I look forward to your future posts.
Hey, Misery Loves
Hey, Misery Loves Company...and a nice strong drink }:)
I'm glad I at least found this place and can let loose and throw around my feelings and ideas with others in like circumstances.
Best of luck to you in finding solutions and peace as well!
I really hate to quote Dr.
I really hate to quote Dr. Phil, but.......you have to understand their currency. Try taking everything out of their rooms. They get a mattress on the floor and that is it. Nothing in the closet, no pillow, no dresser, no clean sheets, no toys, games, no pictures on the wall - absolutely nothing. When they arrive at your home, let them know that if they want to behave in a disrespectful and disruptive way, they only get the bare minimum in terms of their comfort. They only get whatever food YOU give them, watch whatever TV you are watching, no phone privileges (except to call their mother to come and get them). There are no treats, no games, no ipods, no shopping trips, no fast food restaurants - nothing but the mattress in their room. Let them know that you are responsible to provide them a roof over their head, three meals a day and some clothes to wear. There is nothing that says the home must be full of very nice things that they can abuse any time they want, or food that they like to eat (as long as its healthy you have met your obligations) and the clothes they wear can be stained and full of holes as long as they are covered and warm.
Let them know that if they want to live an A+ life, they have to earn it just like you do. Tell them that there are rewards for good behaviour. If they pick up their clothes from the floor, they can have some ice cream. If they If they clean up the dishes at dinner, they get a half hour of TV/video game of their choice. If they vacuum or dust their bedroom, they may have a pillow. Everytime they are respectful, reward them. Its no different from training a dog not to pee on the carpet. Everything positive gets rewarded. Anything negative gets something taken away - whether it be the half hour of TV or the pillow.
At the same time, consult an ADHD support group and a physician. They may have ideas that work for them. Other moms and dads who deal with this every day.
Good luck
My next step is asking my
My next step is asking my therapist for suggestions on support groups in my area. It's great to have found this site, but one on one interaction with the parents who deal with this daily, 24/7 could be invaluable.
We're kind of bass-ackwards with the rooms situation. Since we became the Brady Bunch, we made a huge big deal out of re doing each kids rooms and let them decorate, etc. at this point we will have to remove items one by one as punishment and give them the chance to earn stuff back. SS11, has already spent one whole week "Being Amish" as in, no electricity no electronics, books only on his bedroom floor. That did seem to strike a cord in him...when we could keep him in his room! DH did a good job of staying on him that time. You do bring up a very good point in the earning stuff back in the time increments...
Thanks for stopping by and for offering good advice! I appreciate it!