Ballgames on our weekend off?
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We are going to sd11's softball game today. It is not our weekend, but she called this morning and wanted him to come so we're going. I could have said I don't want to go and I'm sure he wouldn't have gone, but I don't want to seem like a total b*tch. So do we have an obligation to attend her softball games on our weekend off?
We had already planned to go out on a date tonight, so I keep reminding him about it just in case sd11 wants to come home with us afterwards.
Thank God there's still been no mention of those horrible "sd11's Dad" shirts:)
THIS.
THIS.
Sorry, if your DH didn't sign
Sorry, if your DH didn't sign her up, it's not his obligation to go. BM can't make plans for your time or DHs time.
I really think you need to
I really think you need to have that discussion with him about keeping every other weekend for just you two.
I really think you need to
I really think you need to have that discussion with him about keeping every other weekend for just you two.
If you've read my blog you
If you've read my blog you know that I am very much behind the idea of stopping that nonsense ASAP.
Putting someone on the spot
Putting someone on the spot works both ways. I suggest he learn how to either deflect her attempts to put him on the spot (possibly by asking her directly not to be passive aggressive, OR by just saying "No" and not giving an explanation) OR learn to turn it around on her.
BM3 used to try to put DH on the spot about stuff by making passive aggressive comments. He got to where he ignored her when she said stuff like that. Or SD would ask for something at an event and BM would say "Oh, sorry, sweetie, I don't have any money because I don't get any child support." She's not entitled to any child support, in fact, based on the calculation, she should be paying, but it's such a minimal amount that DH doesn't file for it. They have 50/50. Last time she said that, he said, "Actually, considering you live at home in your dad's basement, drive a car that's paid off that your dad bought for you, and have NO bills except for CS for your son that you have NO custody of, it's kind of odd that you have financial problems. GNJ is really good with our finances, and if you want, I'm sure she could look over your bank statements for you and help you figure out where you're leaking money, and she'd probably even be willing to help you come up with a budget."
I thought she was going to burst into flames right then and there.
yes.
yes.
I agree. It is the parent's
I agree. It is the parent's job to make sure they are involved in the kids' life and if this year, the kid's life involves ball games, then the parent should be there. Do they need to be at EVERYTHING? no.
But they need to make the same effort they would if they were part of an intact family. I'm a BM to three and have them about 60% of the time and a SM to one who we have ft - except EOWE.
I feel very strongly that the kids should NOT be deprived from exploring their interests - within reason of course.
We were just informed that DS8's baseball team was invited to go on the field with our local MLB team. It is on a Sunday and it is on exH's time. He already had plans (for himself,not for the kids) and wasn't able to commit to taking him. I offered to take all the kids since this is a big deal for my son. I would have been really irritated if he did not let me take my son to this once in a lifetime event, just because HE (exH) had made plans for himself to run a race.
I really think parent's need to put the children's needs first.
In BM's case, she's a worthless POS who has stepped back into SS13's life after a 7 year hiatus. She REFUSES to bring SS to anything during her EOWE visits: ball games, school events, fundraisers for his school trip - nothing! The mediator wrote in her report that "in a perfect world, both parents would find ways to fold themselves into SS's life. BM refuses". The judge basically ordered that BOTH parents bring SS to his events and support him moving forward (not that this is the case with DH, BM just has always put up a fight in this area).
I know this is a touch subject on this board, but I think that even if the parents live an hour away from each other that they still need to be involved in the child's life and not make it difficult for the child to develop and explore their interests, friendships, etc.
I know that this is an especially difficult concept for non-custodial parents as they view this as an infrigement on "their time". Well, it's not "their time" it's the kids' life.
Um, I hope this doesn't make
Um, I hope this doesn't make me the village asshole, but....we're custodial, and we don't always go to games or sporting events. I go to the big ones, like championships and state meets and stuff, and award stuff, but I don't go to every single game all season long. My boys especially play a TON of sports, and I don't really have time to go to everything. They don't seem to mind. We've talked about it. They're grateful that I pay their fees and get their equipment and make sure they get to and from their stuff, even when I can't take them myself.
I think it's ridiculous to expect the whole family to be at every game, especially as kids get older, and old enough to be left there by themselves, or to go with a teammate's family.
I think regardless of whose
I think regardless of whose weekend it is if OH wants to go to the games - even last minute decision then no problems, go. You can choose to go or not - that is up to you as well.
IF on the other hand you HAD plans then I would expect him to tell sd exactly that - Katielee and I have plans today but we will be there next week, have fun.
As long as nothing else was planned and he wants to be there what's the harm.
My OH goes to ss9's basketball every week, takes him to practice every week etc, regardless of "whose weekend it is" He goes because he likes to be there for and with his kid.
I take my dd's to their dancing lessons etc every Saturday too (their dad is in another state so we don't do the EOWE thing) so Saturday is for kid's activities, unless something comes up that we want/need to attend - in which case we make arrangements for the kids to be covered by others.
I agree absolutely though that he needs to know on the way to the game that your dinner plans will NOT be changed and SD will NOT be coming home with you tonight.
SD11's ballgames are pretty
SD11's ballgames are pretty miserable for me since I have to sit out there in the vicinity of a BM who still loves DH and tries to act like he still belongs to her, BM's mother who still thinks she's his MIL, and SD11, who ignores my existence whenever she's around her BM.
BUT I don't want DH to go by himself because that would give them all the satisfaction of pretending like their little imaginary world is real. So I smile and go and act like I give a crap who wins and try not to shake my head too much when SD11 cries over every little mistake she makes (ridiculous).
Yesterday was no exception, except BM did stay away from us a little bit more after my DH said he didn't want her around because it causes "marital problems."
The two of us had a really nice date afterwards, though, so it was a pretty good day.
Cheri, I honestly don't think
Cheri, I honestly don't think he would go without me. He HATES going even when I go with him. He usually wants me with him wherever he goes:) I go strictly to support him. I don't enjoy the games at all. Yes, part of me goes just to keep BM and SD from having their little fantasy, but mostly I go because he wants me to.
My ex hated sports, too. He's
My ex hated sports, too. He's not seen our daughter play in the 8 years she's played her sport. I was never a fan of that sport, either. Until she started playing. Then I was a fan of HER. And I went to the games I could. Not every one. But a good number of them. I wasn't a fan of grade/middle/high school musical productions, either. But I went, because it was important to our son. Dad didn't catch any of those, either. 'Cause he didn't enjoy it.
"I have to work" is a legit excuse. My kids always understood when I couldn't make it due to work. "I don't enjoy it"? Is not. IMO.
Heck, me too! MY oldest was
Heck, me too! MY oldest was in band (UGH), Choir and every blessed dramatic performance there was. I much preferred being out at the FH pitch. Well... except when it got cold. ... Nah, even then. But yes, one goes to support the kid. Now? He is a rising Senior, studying Music Comp at a conservatory, going abroad this summer to study with a composer in Germany, and looks good a full ride to grad school. I have been to nearly every one of his concerts over the past three years, in both Philly and NYC. Because he deserves that support.
Oh I so get what you are
Oh I so get what you are saying about "dad" - my ex chose which of our girls dance performances to attend based solely on what he thought might look good to him, he missed our youngest's first ever dance comp because it didn't look that great on the practice video and he wasn't going to "waste his time"
Me, I have attended orchestra, choirs (numerous) bands, and LOTS of dance concerts and comps over the years, because we should be their greatest cheer squad. Have I enjoyed every moment - oh heck no! But I go, and for the most part I love seeing my kids doing what they love.
My 10yo has been invited to take part in a dance trip to LA next Sept, dancing at Disneyland in the parade and at Universal studios, doing workshops etc. It's a HUGE thing (we live in Australia) to even be asked to be part of it - only 35 kids from the 200+ dance school are invited. Ex's only question was "will *I* have to do anything?" (in other words will this cost me...) No congrats, no well done. Meh - I told her he said it anyway.
Apart from the Mom thing
Apart from the Mom thing (which Dad needs to grow a pair and deal with), I don't see why he can't/won't go if you choose not to. He is, presumably, an adult who is allowed to make his own decisions about stuff... (But I agree that should not include allowing previous plans to be changed.)
They don't HAVE to. But it
They don't HAVE to. But it means a lot to the kids if they go when possible.
LMAO - I went to ONE of ss9's
LMAO - I went to ONE of ss9's basketball games. Spent all of last year hearing how good he was, how many goals he scored etc. Younger dd and I had some time between her classes and were close so we went to a game a month or so ago (side note - ss9 was SO HAPPY we made that effort - so it was worth it) BM thankfully wasn't there that day - she is sporadic in her attendance - OH usually picks ss up even on BM's weekend and takes him. Doesn't bother me, I'm busy running mine about anyway.
Anywho - the game was SO bad, and ss really sucked, I was amazed at how bad he was after how OH pumped him up last year - too funny!!
I am sure with time he will improve, and as long as he is loving it and doing SOMETHING it doesn't matter how great he is or not. But it did amuse me mainly because of the build up...