Holy Cow! You're telling me the very things I've been telling my husband! I really needed to hear someone else say he/we need to get a good counselor and support group, I've been telling him this for the past 4 years, which is when she had her first frightening episode and was subsequently diagnosed and started medication. The list of offenses against us by this young woman is remarkably long and very disturbing, but she's his daughter and he wants so much for her to be happy for him.
Thanksgiving was my last contact with sd when sd & ss were 3 hours late for dinner, without even letting us know they were going to be late, my husband was embarrassed and very upset. I was very angy, I sent them both and email letting them know they had 24 hours to apologize to their dad or I was turning their phones off, cancelling their car insurance and we would longer pay for their college. His son called him the next day and apologized, the next time I saw ss after that he apologized to me too. Sd copied the email and put it in a file with our names on it and periodically pulls it out as if it were proof of a crime I committed. GRRRR!

The most recent turmoil sd created was during a recent lunch date where she presented her dad with the file of what she considers my offense. One thing in the file was an email I sent her (2 years ago) relating to boundaries that we placed for everyone's comfort, 1. she was not allowed to come to our house when we were not home 2. she was not allowed alcohol at our house & 3. she was not allowed to be rude to either of us in our home. It was a kind email, but very much to the point, and she told her dad that I have no right to talk to her that way. He can't stand up to her. It's been one of the problems we've had, he will not tell his daughter that meantal illness does not give her the right to treat us badly.
During that luncheon as he relayed to me what he'd said to sd, "he told her that he loved us both, and he just wished that the two most important women in his life could get along". The problem with that statement is that he's putting the responsibility of "getting along" on me! I have had more than enough of the craziness from sd & ex. I told hubs that he needs to take up for me and our marriage. He's afraid of telling her this because he's afraid it will send her into a bp depression, or worse, she'll refuse to see him, like she has.

He definitely needs to see a counselor, I've suggested it quite a bit. He says he doesn't see the benefits, based on how infrequent he sees his daughter and that I no longer deal with her at all.
And another crazy offshoot of this whole sd relationship fiasco; I mentiond earlier that his ex and daughter have the same conditions, and both have engaged heavily in assasinating my character to his friends and family. It has hurt me deeply that dh has not corrected their lies, at least with his family, dh responds to this with "people are going to believe whatever they want", it makes me so sad that he refused to correct their frequent lies to these people. We've had that discussion so many times, I've stopped going to any of his family members homes, I no longer go to parties at his friends homes, I refuse to be treated like I'm the "other woman", he doesn't mind that I've quit doing things that involve his friends and family.

I don't believe there are any answers, I think we have to deal with each situation as it comes; and never knowing when we're going to get hit with another issue sd has caused. I'm so depressed, my husband is in a terrible state of denial. I've told him sd needs to be hospitalized, he thinks I'm crazy for mentioning it.