NEED ADVICE - So hurt, disappointed, fed up
I'm new here, so if this is already been discussed elsewhere Please forgive me.
My problem is not with my step kids. I love them more than life itself. I don't view them as step kids. They are mine just as my biological children are. The issue is more with the ex-wife. I'm excluded from my husbands family events because certain family members are uncomfortable with my presence. This family member has a very close relationship with my husbands ex. His ex-wife will not attend her children's events because I'm there. When the oldest got pregnant I was excluded from the baby shower and the hospital because her mother refused to attend or go if I was invited. Now I've been excluded again, from the baptism of the grand baby because the ex refuses to attend her grand child's baptism if I go. I have spent the last 2 years respecting this woman for her role of mother by not attending anything so as not to hurt the kids. This time I'm hurt so bad because I'm family too. I want to see my grand baby be baptized. This isn't about me. It's not about the ex. It's about a beautiful baby and an incredibly important event in her life. A celebration of her. I'm hurt because I want to be a part if this but once again if I go then she will hurt the kids by not attending. Leaving me to feel horrid. I know I wouldn't be the one hurting them but they will still be hurt. I don't want to hurt the kids but I'm tired of being forced to stay away. What do I do? Keep being excluded?
Talk to the parents. In
Talk to the parents. In general, talk to the person or people hosting the event and ask them what they would like. They may tell you that the ex is doing this to herself, they want you there, she needs to grow up so don't worry about it. Or they may say, no we really want mom there so please don't come.
You may not get the answer you want, but it's better than simply staying away because you're afraid someone's going to be hurt.
Fuck that shit. Go anyway.
Fuck that shit. Go anyway. I would not tolerate being excluded from any part of my spouses life including family gatherings, etc....
If anyone has a problem with you being there then that is their issue and not yours to worry about.
When you go be radiant, happy and beam how awesome your life with your DH is. These jackasses are like cockroaches in a dark room who scurry for any dark corner they can find when the lights go on. You be the light and let the cockroaches scurry. Be gracious with your Skids, GrandSKids and DHs primary relatives. The people who have an issue with you .... you turn up the happy factor and let that be your big FUCK OFF message to them and smile and enjoy their cockroach scurry.
I detest dipshits like this and refuse to cater to their dipshitiot behavior.
If you cater to the toxic XW and her manipulations it is not only you that suffer. Your Skids suffer too and that suffering will be at your hands if you do not attend. Where if you go and BM refuses to attend or attends and makes an ass of herself .... it is all on her.
IMHO of course.
I had to go back and check
I had to go back and check your marital status because you sound like you are the other woman....the woman who is having an affair with a married guy.
Yet you are the wife! I do not know why you are allowing yourself to be marginalized and cast aside. If the ex has a problem with your prescence.....too bad! Girl....this is YOUR husband, not hers.
Your husband should have a
Your husband should have a talk with his grown children, he needs to let them know that you are his wife and his life priority. If you're not invited to attend special events for his children and grandchildren then perhaps your husband should decline his invitation, at least for every other event. If this seems impossible, then start planning something special for yourself on such occasions, surround yourself with friends who love and respect you.
Best of luck!
Yes I do love her as my own.
Yes I do love her as my own. I am wanted there by our daughter. Honestly that's why it hurts so much. I hate that the XW is so self serving that she throws a tantrum and is willing to hurt her child so long as the outcome serves her needs. It's not about her. It's not about me. It's about our granddaughter being baptized. But she can't see beyond her needs. Ever. Small things or events I can handle not being part of but this is a huge thing. Religiously and traditionally. This kills me. Yes I know. I'm not her mother. And ultimately both her parents should be there for this. Just this time I cant help but feel like, as the 'StepMom' I don't count. My love for her and our grand baby don't mean anything. I am respecting our daughters wishes for her mother to be there and accepting the selfishness of the XW. It hurts like heck not to go but it would kill me to see our daughter hurt that her mother doesn't. Especially knowing that I could have spared her that anguish by staying home and her mother would have been there. I never speak ill of her mother, but this time I am expressing my hurt and disappointment. I'm letting our daughter know that I'm doing this to spare her feelings. But this is the last time. Her mothers selfishness is not my fault. I will be in attendance from this point on if invited. If her mother choses not to attend because of that, then it's on her. A mother never puts her self before her child.
It sounds like the kids are
It sounds like the kids are old enough to understand the dysfunctional dynamic going on. If so, they may not agree with it but they will not be hurt by you not going (in other words they get that mom is being unreasonable). It is what it is...
If you were not invited, as crummy as that is, then stay home. Explain to the kids that it is uncomfortable and do not get into any details (bashing the ex wife will only make you the bad guy). You could have your husband try and smooth things over but i seriously doubt that will do any good.
Eventually you can only hope that the ex grows up and let's go of the anger that she feels. Some ex's never get over things though (my husbands ex still acts like he ruined her life after 23 years).
Like the other poster above said, have something at your house, perhaps an after baptism event and celebrate in your own home with people that care about you.
Good luck, I know how you feel and how difficult it must be for you
You are certainly entitled to
You are certainly entitled to feel that way. Yes she is in fact my 'step daughter'. Her mother is present in her life. Just as I am. I've not been here her whole life. I have however been the last 4 years. Her father and I have been taking care of her the last 2. (Shes an adult in the fact that shes 19, and now a mother herself) Referring to her as our daughter is nothing more than expressing who she is. Biology and technicals mean nothing in this house. Our home and relationships are based on love and nurturing regardless of who's is who's. Biologically speaking the only children that have any DNA ties are 'my' biological children. My 'step' children were adopted. That doesn't make them any less his and his ex-wife's children. And the only time I made a reference to 'my' daughter is when I was speaking about her playing for her 'step' brothers basketball team. EACH AND EVERY ONE of the children are 'OURS'. The only separation is in my 'step' children are blessed with three parents (impressive for adopted children), and 'my' children have two. My husband is their only 'FATHER' and I'm their mother. We do not single out the kids as his and hers. Our children don't refer to each other as 'step' brother or 'step' sister. They are all brothers and sisters. The grand baby is not their 'step' niece she is simply their niece. My husband is not called 'stepdad' or by first name he is dad. I am not 'stepmom', I'm just mom. My 'step' children call their mother Mama and always have. There's no confusion in whos being spoken to or about. Our children chose to call us by what made them comfortable. What I find unnerving is that you wasted your energy in expressing your offense to my calling her 'my' or 'our' daughter. I could understand being offended or unnerved if I was calling her derogatory names or negative references to who she 'belongs' too; but taking offense at calling her mine and ours?? I do not like the term 'step', neither does my husband or our kids - but We don't pass off our opinions on it to those who do use the terminology. Some families are fine with that, maybe even most. Our family was uncomfortable with 'step' because its not how we look at each other. Even the XW accepts it. (Just not my presence) All I can do is shake my head at the ridiculousness of this.
I will say thank you though. Your offense to my bonds with a child not biologically connected to me has replaced my hurt with a more iritated amusement.
It's your step daughter's
It's your step daughter's call....and it sounds like she wants you there.