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Heart Broken Formerly Custodial SM

Sparemom's picture

Submitted by Sparemom on Mon, 04/15/2013 - 10:11pm

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DH & I have had primary custody of SS8 for 18 months. Nothing legal, but SS8 was having severe behavioral problems at home with BM, with siblings and at school. BM is a push-over, no boundaries, no discipline. DH always had to step in. SS8 wanted to come live with DH, & I was so appreciate that BM let us take him.

Lots of time and effort and love and reading about parenting a child with behavioral/emotional issues= well balanced behaved child. We made sure to move into his school district, and rearrange schedules for full-time parenting. I spent a lot of emotional and physical time connecting with SS8. I became the Queen of bed-time stories and prayers and deep theological/life discussions.

2 weeks ago SS8 tells dad he wants to go back and live with BM cause "our house creeps him out." He has been living here for months! We live in a half-house so maybe its the neighbors noises or sometimes arguements? I worry about this and can't understand. While he never says this, I like to think he just wants to be with his siblings now that he can enjoy them again. This answer makes me feel better. Once BM found out he was wisked away without us really having any say.
DH feels he failed as dad somehow. I've tried to look at the bright sides, and been angry, but when it comes down to it I'm devastated.

I miss him so much! He was mine, too, and I feel like I've lost him in a custody battle I never got to fight. I can't stand co-parenting with 4 when DH gets way less than 50% say and I certainly get less than 20%. I feel like there is an empty hole in our house.

It makes me angrier that BM remarried and he is a total prick. I just keep telling myself its good that SS8 is with his brother and sister cause I can't stand that he would choose that house over ours. I have no rights and this grief feels totally disenfranchised by society. I can't reach out or post on facebook. I'm just glad to find an place like this to share.

Can anyone relate?

smomof2's picture

Submitted by smomof2 on Mon, 04/15/2013 - 10:41pm

I can't relate but I wanted to offer my support. Does your DH has written record of the length of time your ss was with you full time? He's 8 years old but if it's better for him to live at your house then maybe this is one of those times when it's worth taking BM to court?
I'm sorry you feel alone. I know how frustrating it is when you spend so much time and energy taking care of child and yet, feel like you have zero authority when it comes to deciding what's best for them.

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Mon, 04/15/2013 - 10:57pm

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and your DH. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally as it doesn't sound like it was anything against any person in specific. Of course, you have ever right in the world to be hurt, and I would be, too.

Honestly, my guess is BM made him some sort of promise or he misses the lack of rules. Children that young are very short-sighted, and it sounds like BM's is the easier household to live in. Fewer rules, fewer expectations, etc. He doesn't have the reasoning ability at 8 to recognize that BM's home environment is not good for him and probably causes him stress and anxiety.

I strongly suspect that some time in the future, he will want to come live with you and DH again. If/when that happens, get everything in writing so BM can't just swoop in like mama crane again. Have some sort of stipulation that before he is allowed to again live with BM he has to undergo some sort of counseling to ensure he isn't moving back in with her for the wrong reasons (like the fact that he easily gets his way at her house). Also, before you allow him to move into your home again, make sure he understands that this isn't a game of tennis where he can just bounce back and forth as he pleases, and if he ever does move back out again, that will be it; he will never again be permitted to live with you.

But, of course, I can give *you* all this advice; however, if DH isn't on board, it's all for naught.

And talk to a therapist or a good friend. You're absolutely right that this isn't your fault.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 8:21am

And this is why when SS wanted to move in with us I made sure DH got court ordered custody, because I knew that the day would come when SS would cringe at the rules and regulations at our house and would want to go back to the free range BM household.
NEVER, accept custodial arrangements w/o court papers. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but an 8 yr old should have no say in where he lives. You can fight for custody if his home is unstable and you can show major improvement when he's with you. Good luck with this.