Hello,

I'm new here and so grateful to have found this forum. I've been at this step mom thing for 20 years, since the boys were 8,6 and 4. They're now 30, 28 and 26, and the dynamic is much the same as when they were little. They're demanding, needy, quick to anger. Expert at manipulating their dad. My husband coddles them and is constantly helping them. I find out after the fact. When I object, hubby complains of being in the middle. I won't go into years of detail, just laying down the pattern.

The boys (men!) live with their birth mom in a rental house. The only car in the household is one we gave to middle son, 28. He was supposed to pay for it but never did, my husband let that slide without a word. Middle son is a landscaper who works sporadically, and hardly at all during the winter. We have an empty lot, doing nothing but collecting taxes, so we told him he could use it in some kind of business capacity. What he really wanted was for dad to bankroll him by buying expensive equipment, but use of the land was what we granted him.

He showed up last fall with a group of buddies and a chainsaw that he "borrowed" from dad, which I know we'll never get back. He also brought a fire barrel. When I saw the fire barrel the next day I told my husband I didn't want fires down there, and he needed to tell middle son that. Next time MS came over (so dad could fix the brakes on his car), we were all chatting after, and I waited for my H to bring up the fire issue. Nothing. So I brought it up. No fires. But why, MS asked twice. He can be very argumentative, so I just kept shaking my head and saying no fires. I asked him to take the barrel away, but he said he'd have to come back with a truck.

He came back twice to work in the lot during the fall, never removed the barrel and nothing at all over the winter. Winter of course is when he could have been selling firewood. Then yesterday, April 7th, I pull up my driveway to see a bunch of guys in the lot, chainsaw sounds, etc. Why, in April? Made no sense to me. Today, I pulled into the lot to look around. The fire barrel was tipped on it's side with the remnants of a fire. There was a pile of empty beer bottles, Red Bull cans, etc. I loaded the barrel into the back of my truck and called husband. First he said they're not burning down there...honey, yes they are. Then he said it didn't make any difference to him. I said I wanted to think and talk some more about it, but I'm considering revoking MS use of the lot. H said, maybe I'll leave that between you and MS.

I welcome any and all advice about how to handle this issue. I hope to use it as a way to break the evil spell we've all been under for 20 years. I purposefully had the no fire talk with middle son while dad was there. I thought we had a deal. Now I'm realizing that there's a disconnect between what matters most to me, and what makes no difference to my husband. He seems to place his children's needs above mine. He gets a free pass tonight because of a really bad day at work. For now, the damn barrel is in my truck and the next move is mine, baby. I hope to patient, loving and kind about it. MS relies on anger and circular arguments, so I must come from an unwavering calm resolve. Never mind about the not going into detail part! Look forward to hearing from you, thanks for listening.