I want so much to shake her.
Have you ever wanted to shake some sense into your SD? Life and our relationship shouldn't be this difficult. The short story, while DH and I were dating, SD wrote me thank you notes for gifts or things I did. SD even told me that she loved me and looked to me as a mother figure. I told her that I could never be her mom but her friend. I only tell you this so that you can understand the difference in attitudes as our (DH and me) relationship evolved. Fast forward to her moving back to the area. She told me that she didn't want her father to have to choose between us. This threw me for a loop, as I never saw it that way. I asked DH what she could have meant and he said he had no idea, I should ask her. I did several months later and when I did the flood gates opened and the sobbing began. DH and SD's husband at the time came to her side, I was the bad guy. That was the moment our relationship changed forever. It only got worse after DH proposed and SD wasn't informed prior to the proposal. At our wedding she got drunk and made quite a scene.
Every visit is strained and I always feel that she's competing with me. She no longer thanks me for anything, the rudeness is unbearable. I keep my distance to protect myself and my feelings. The rest of the family has noticed that I have pulled back and they have applauded me as they have seen her in action and know how manipulative and nasty she is. Unfortunately, DH doesn't see her for who she really is or he chooses not to acknowledge it.
Last week there was a family email circulating where everyone wrote what they were bringing for Easter dinner. When SD replied she wrote that she had been "granted" her children for the day (it was her ex's holiday with the kids)and she would have them in tow. She then wrote what she was thinking of making. In her next sentence she asked her aunt to post what else she might need and then added "something tells me she will never see these emails." Always a catty response. I made sure my sis-in-law read the email so that she could respond.
I baked bread in the shape of a bunny, cut out the tummy to put dip in, and served veggies with it. SD's son wanted to start eating the bread immediately (I had just given him the piece I cut away) and I nicely suggested we wait until later. SD then sarcastically said, "I guess everyone has to see it." I bit my tongue knowing it's not worth it to say anything to her. A few minutes later I was in the kitchen and she had gone out on the deck to repeat the story to anyone who would listen. Again, I bit my tongue but wanted so much to walk out there and shake her. Does she not see how rude and nasty she is? I know DH doesn't but it appears that no one wants to say anything to her in order to avoid a scene with her.
Lastly, as she was leaving she was loading up a plate with desserts to take with her when she went to work that night. She no longer eats sweets now that she's lost weight after her sudden divorce. As she said, "I'm taking them to work for the fat nurses to eat." Arrrrgggghhhhh, if only they knew how she truly felt.
Sorry for the lengthy post, I just had to get it out of me. I was so looking forward to seeing my therapist yesterday to spew the venom out of my system but my therapist got sick.
Repost.
Repost.
Stop biting your tongue when
Stop biting your tongue when she makes rude remarks to you. The only way she will stop is if you call her out on them.
I know it's uncomfortable and it's hard to always think of what to say since this kind of bitchy behavior is so foreign but a simple, "What do you mean?" might suffice in shutting her down. But if it's not, and she continues, you may have to get louder and advise her that her rude and childish comments will no longer be tolerated and it's time for her to grow up. Then turn your back on her and walk away, no matter what she says.
There has to be a price to pay or she'll never stop it it will just escalate.
You're so right Forgotten.
You're so right Forgotten. I'm so frustrated with the situation. I've tried to keep my mouth shut because she has an inate way of turning things from her and blaming others. It appears that this is her MO and she has gotten away with it, she is a pro. DH and I have only been married a few years and I see his deflection attitude coming through too, a learned behavior for both. I feel as though I'm in a no win situation.
She never responded Cat, she
She never responded Cat, she immediately started sobbing. We were in a public place too, it brought such attention to me, it was humiliating. I was totally taken aback by her reaction especially since we were having great conversation right before I asked. Bad me.
Thank you Step, I learn so
Thank you Step, I learn so much from your experiences. As hard as I try to ignore her, sometimes I just can't. Maybe it's because I raised my children differently. If I ever saw them speak or act rudely to anyone, as she does, I would discuss it with them. DH just ignores it.
BTW, SD didn't waste any time finding a new man. Two months barely passed before she separated and was dating. She tells everyone that her new guy makes her want to be a better person. I'm still waiting to see an improvement but that may be difficult because she and the new guy are both sarcastic. That story is for another post!
My DIL recently told me that my feelings should be validated, that it's just not me who sees her nastiness, the rest of the family knows it. It's just ashamed that she gets away with it.
I'm sorry to read about the passing of the teens father. I hope she has a strong network of family and friends to help her.
Step, you did it again, thank
Step, you did it again, thank you. Your last sentence will be my mantra and my saving grace. I am going to print it out and have at my fingertips when I feel as though I'm going to fall into her web of deceit and crap.
I learned 10 years back that
I learned 10 years back that the way I treat my step-kids is so different than the way I raised mine. Mt step-kids have never been spoken "harshly" to. I know that sounds crazy. Therefore, I have never raised my voice or even been sarcastic to them. Now my kids will get a tongue lashing to this day if they are out of line. They know I love them and expect this. My SD is a pill and can't stand me. She makes up reasons not to like me. I learned to disengage from her. I am polite and kind when around her. I ignore her comments and her inconsiderate behavior. She is not worth my anger. This way I win......
Thanks for making me laugh
Thanks for making me laugh Mindy. My children are very accepting of our marriage and want us to be happy. Maybe I raised them to be a better rounded, more understanding human being than SD. They know they can trust me and that I have their back but they also know that I have raised them to be accountable for their actions. I was told that when SD was in college, she was reprimanded by a coach, DH went to her rescue. When my son got in trouble in HS and they suspended him, I was the first to tell them that he shouldn't be suspended (have a mini vacation) but should have in-school suspension and do additional work. Crazy how they were raised to differently.
if you see her often, you'll
if you see her often, you'll either have to put her in her place or not see her. unless, you want to continue to get upset. people like her see kindness (and good manners or the fear of being embarrassed) as weakness.
So true Forgotten. Being the
So true Forgotten. Being the person that I am, I will rise above her level and keep her at arms length. Having said that, when she starts her crap, I know that I can come to this site and spew it out of my system. Thank you.
All of your stories sound
All of your stories sound familiar in one way or another. My SD is either rude to me or just plain ignores me, this has always bothered me as I am a very emotional person and my feelings get hurt easily. I am learning (FAST) that if I'm going to keep my peace of mind I have to change the way she effects me. I am so grateful for your stories and advice to one another and I finally don't feel like I'm alone in the this.
You are definitely not alone
You are definitely not alone SMN. I wish things didn't have to be this way for any of us. Life is difficult enough without having people in our lives who try their best to make things miserable for us. Sad isn't? Best wishes to you.
When you were a "girlfriend"
When you were a "girlfriend" you were no real threat...Now being a "wife" is a real threat. How the step-children react to this change is hilarious. Been there, done that...
My SD used to do this too.
My SD used to do this too. She's make smart-ass remarks, when Daddy was out of the room of course, then tell DH I made her uncomfortable. I held my tongue for WAY too many years, she just got meaner and nastier. I agree with Forgotten Wife. You need to call her on it. Stop it or it will escalate. The situation with my SD did. I finally had to ban her from my home. We have not communicated in over two years and it has been fine with me. You don't have to tolerate disrespect in your own home - not from anyone.