My problem has so much history to it, but I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

SD20 lived with us from age 15-19. I cooked and cleaned for her. She was difficult to say the least and had zero interest in following any rules. She wanted to do whatever she wanted (partying, smoking, drugs, you name it). And she was the biggest DRAMA QUEEN you have ever seen!!! Long story short, after another blow-up at our house, she left to go live with her mother 2 hours away (BM had been in rehab). BM has always let her do anything she wanted. She’s a COOL MOM, kwim?

SD20 barely speaks to her dad (mostly through texts). DH has gone to visit her last fall, and she has come to our town a few times, usually to party with friends and sleep it off at our house. Oh, unless of course it’s around Christmas or birthday time…...then she’ll show up long enough to get gifts from us.

Over the past 5 years, SD20 has basically ignored me, unless it suits her. That last few months, this has turned into disrespectful actions towards me. Too many to list. The last one had me waiting for 4+ hours for her as we were supposed to spend the day together (doing something SHE wanted to do in our town). She never showed up, never called, never texted. Just couldn’t be bothered. Her Dad was furious. I was just sad. I said to DH, “DH, I know that she is your daughter, and that you want to have a relationship with her. I know that you are willing to put up with this sh*t in order to have a relationship. I am not her mother, and her actions over the years and proven to me that she has ZERO interest in having any kind of relationship with me. Her last stunt was downright hurtful to me. I will not stop you from seeing your daughter, but I am done. I will no longer keep turning the other cheek only to be kicked in the teeth yet again”.

I told DH that this was for SD20 to fix, not for me, or for DH to fix. I have told DH that unless SD acts like an adult and shows with ACTIONS (not just words) that she is sorry for her behavior that I didn’t want to see her, let alone have her stay at my house.

This this happened a couple of months ago, SD20 has started texting her father occasionally, and even met him for coffee last month while she was in town visiting friends. I guess she is trying to make sure her Dad isn't still mad at her. DH is lapping it up.

DH told me yesterday that SD20 wants to come to town to visit us (I’m sure in reality that she didn’t mention me) and stay at our house. DH sees this as an opportunity for him to talk with her and let her know that her past behavior is unacceptable. I told DH that SD20 has made ZERO effort to contact me since her snub a couple of months ago, and that if she wasn’t mature enough at 20 to figure this out on her own, then it’s not for him to “fix”.

I told DH that if he wants SD20 here, that’s fine, I won’t forbid it. But I won’t be here. I will spend the weekend out of town or with a friend. That’s pretty easy for me to arrange.

Here’s my problem. I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing. DH wants to have SD apologize to me. He thinks by me avoiding her, we will never get a chance to repair the issue. In my mind, SD20 has had MONTHS (years really) of time to make amends with me, but has chosen not to. That said, I’m I just dragging out the inevitable? I imagine that she will text me someday and apologize and ask to meet with me. That would be TOO awkward for me. I’m not good with conflict, and would rather avoid it.

She’s an adult now. She has no interest in me. She’s proven that. Why can’t we just let this thing die and end it?

I don't know how to resolve this, and I don't know how to not make me look like an unforgiving @sshole in my husband's eyes.