Red Flags While Dating
While I understand that most people on this forum have already blended families through marriage, I am still in the dating stage, and hope that my post is out of place.
I am 42 and am dating a wonderful woman who has a 12 year old son. The ex-husband currently has visitation every other weekend. Although for Easter, he decided that the son would have more fun with mother. The mother has made it clear that she might have placement much more often.. As it is, we only see each other on weekends, and the thought of having placement every weekend makes me leary.
My problem is this 12 year old is extremely high maintenance and to be honest, downright rude at times when his mother and I are together.. Mother seems to allow behavior to continue. The thought
As someone who never planned on being back in the dating field (I was married for 21 years and have my own 17, 19, and 21 year old sons), I am not sure if this is something that is "My problem", and is part of the "Package deal", or if his mother is out of line in expecting all of our time that we have devoted to keeping this kid happy.
I would love to hear similar stories, and how to deal with this.
PengyOne.
>>>My problem is this 12 year
>>>My problem is this 12 year old is extremely high maintenance and to be honest, downright rude at times when his mother and I are together.. Mother seems to allow behavior to continue. <<<
The problem isn't the 12 year old - the problem is that the mother allows the behavior to continue.
This boy is part of the "package deal", so do you want the package?
There are plenty of women out there that don't have kids or if they do make their kids behave.
I wish I would have noticed
I wish I would have noticed all the red flags. Unfortunately, I missed most of them. Looking in hindsight, I now know what they were.
Not only is the 12yr old Son part of the package BUT the ex Husband is as well. It's something to consider! Pay attention to your GF's relationship with her Ex (do they talk often? communicate well? fight and bicker a lot? Does your GF cave in to the Ex's demands?).
I never paid too much attention to how my DH interacted with BM. Big mistake. We were married by the time I got the idea and it really bothered me. BM used to call DH A LOT which I deemed inappropriate....she easily manipulated him and changed visitations with SD's often which conflicted with our plans and I hated the fact that my Husband was putty in her hands, she made demands and was having DH pay extra and provide extra things for SD's which hurt us financially and again interfered with our life together....all of which became a huge issue in our marriage in the beginning.
Has the Ex already made comments about you and his ex dating or made personal attacks on you verbally? DH in my case had repeated certain things to me here and there about what BM had said about me..."I wasn't going to play house with her girls" etc etc. I ignored it. I chalked it up to her just being jealous of me. When we got married, the gossip mill really started....BM bombarded me with hateful emails and text messages, turned DH's friends and family against me, started an all out war. They get worse and more mouthy the more serious the relationship gets.
If the Son already bothers you...just imagine living with him. Sounds like your GF is the issue in reinforcing and allowing that behavior. Chances are whatever is going on now will remain the same or get worse!
DH in my case always spent money on SD's and had the "Disney Dad" thing going on. It didn't bother me until we got married and I directly felt the effect of that $350 shopping spree at the Mall on freaking tank tops and tennis shoes for SD.
Like Jillian said watch out
Like Jillian said watch out for how much interaction there is with the EX. She gave you some really good points to look for.
Sounds like the mom has already turned that 12 yo into a spoiled entitled brat.
Not sure that she will change that now. She can change it but Will she ???
Yes, they are a package deal.
I thank everyone for their
I thank everyone for their good advice...
Much of my chagrin probably stems just over ignorance in what boundaries exists (Or should exists) when getting involved into a potential step family environment. Its all new to me, and trying to wade through the red flags are either just ignorance on my part, and an aspect of the step family environment, or if there are other things going on I should be forwarned about.
As far as how my girlfriend relates to her EH, she is very non-communicative. I believe she has a restraining order against him with exceptions of relating to the son and custody issues.
I know if I feel this level of anomosity at this point, that could only intensify getting into a marriage.
I feel like I am chasing my tail around on this, but I am trying to learn what is normal, and things I need to get over, or what things I should address with my girlfriend.
Thanks for all of the advice.
~PengyOne.
You are smart to think about
You are smart to think about these things. I am remarried to a man with two rude children ages 7 and 12. I knew there were problems with them in the beginning - My own older children hating the way his behaved. I just thought that once we were married, things would get "better" and that we'd help them learn better behaviors from us. Their mother did not let my DH have much say in the way she was raising them. She's extremely assertive and my DH is a pleaser.
Well, life with my step kids is worse. I can barely stand when they are with us every other week. I disengage because we are not making much progress with their social skills. They are so unlike me and really unlike my DH that I think it's probably uncomfortable for them too.
Now, that being said, I would do it all over again because I have the most wonderful relationship with my husband. I put up with his kids knowing that one day they will be out on their own. I cherish every moment with my DH and I support his efforts in raising his children. I do not involve myself in the logistics of the children's lives but I am kind and let him be the parent. I expect them to be respectful to me and if they are not, I just remove myself from the situation. My DH understands this.
It may not be ideal in lots of ways but I would go through ANYTHING with my DH. This is the marriage I've always dreamed of as far as husband and wife. We'll deal with the bumps along the way. We've been together for almost 4 years and I love him more every day.
Is she worth it? If things get worse with your step son's behavior, is that a deal breaker? Think about that because no matter what happens around my DH and I, it does not change our relationship. It may give us extra challenges but that's life. Be sure she's worth the headaches of stepparenting (one of the hardest things I've ever been through) and if there's any doubt, then move on.