Please Help!!! I'm at the end of my rapidly fraying rope!
I have a 12 year old SS. I've been in his life since he was 5. He doesn't really have his Mom around. Her mother brought him to my DH after she kept leaving him and not coming back for weeks at a time. DH works A LOT. I have SS constantly. I rarely get a break. I also have 2 small children with DH. SS has a lot of issues. I drive him all over for counseling. None if it helps. The school calls every week. He's failing 4 classes. I can't even get him to do his homework. He lies constantly and it's becoming a big problem at school. At home, he just tries to manipulate me and he lies non stop. He gives me a hard time everyday. Recently, he physically hurt my daughter. That was the last straw! I'm so fed up. DH is never here, Mom isn't around, and I'm raising this kid (who is terrible) by myself! He is defiant, too. I have no idea what to do. The idea of leaving with my girls is very appealing. I love my DH, but I feel that it's unfair to put everything on me. I deal with school, therapists, medication, doctors, you name it! If I didn't, he would ignore all of it and do nothing. I am a generally happy person, but I find myself becoming depressed, irritable, hopeless, and bitter. Des it get better? Does it get worse? Should I just leave and regain my happiness? Will he hurt my kids if I stay? The questions are endless!
Where is your DH? Also, if
Where is your DH?
Also, if you choose to leave, your DH will get partial custody/visitation...and SS will still be around your kids. When you're not there.
I'd find a way to DH around more.
I think your DH is in
I think your DH is in blissful (he's reall happy about it) ignorance and, once he's better informed, he can make better decisions. You've bottled this up for a while now and it's too much for one person to handle. Some kids are too much for the entire juvenile justice system to handle too, one of which is SD here. Your SKid is picking up that you are tired and he's taking advantage, kids do that! I hate to say it but it could only be a matter of time until your own start manipulating your feelings when you are low too.
When you do talk to your DH tell him how you feel, not what you think he should do. Tell him you need help with this. Nothing turns a guy off quicker than being told what to do. I suggest letting him know that you will have more energy to devote to him if he helps out...nudge nudge...wink wink.
DH definitely is blissfully
DH definitely is blissfully ignorant! When I try to talk to him gently about the situation, he says he doesn't want to hear it because it stresses him out. What about me? I'm stressed out daily! The bottom line is that I just can't handle this kid. I worry about the problems I'll encounter as he gets older. I feel that if I leave, it'll force DH to take a hard look at the situation. I didn't create this child, but I'm held responsible for his every move. When do his parents step up and start parenting? I just don't have it in me to keep going.
You are in a very unfair
You are in a very unfair situation. I was once there too with Dh's son who is 5. He worked all the time, and I, trying to be nice and please him and being so new and naïve, kept skid while he worked. His mother is a total idiot, should have NEVER reproduced, did so for only selfish reasons, has NO parenting skills, neither does DH, and skid was and is a total nightmare. I was miserable. DH was content because he did not have to step up and could continue on being an awful Disneyland Daddy. Between BM and DH and MIL the child was ruined by age 3. Then, on top of that, he has all kinds of mental issues. He has been diagnosed with ODD, ADHD, and the doctor was evaluating him for Early Onset Conduct Disorder before BM pulled the plug on her because she didn't like what she was told because that meant she would have to do something different in her life with him, as in you know, discipline, parent, set rules, etc. After all kinds of horrible things transpired because of BM, and due to skids increasingly intolerable behavior, I said ENOUGH!! I and DONE! I disengaged. DH had to make other arrangements with work and family so that he could deal with skid on his time because I was no longer an option. Skid is no better, but I at least do not have to bear that burden anymore. You will have to tell your DH that you cannot take it anymore and that the topic is not open for debate. Be civil, don't just bark orders at him, approach it in a way that he sees it from your point of view, make him see that this is not about him, it is about your marriage and your mental and emotional health and you need him to help and support you, his wife. You won't be able to keep going like this and you don't have to. He is not your son and he is not your problem.
We have the same situation!
We have the same situation! SS is bipolar, OCD, ODD, and ADHD. I'm THE ONLY one who as ever taken him to therapy! Shocking! I basically did what you suggested the other day. I was very nice about it. I got screamed at fr 10 minutes and he hasn't spoken to me since.
The only reason skid went to
The only reason skid went to the psychiatrist was because I made DH take him. He did not take anything she said to heart and neither did BM. He went back several times, but when she told BM and DH what they should do, when she wrote her report and eval and made her recommendations and suggestions, they ignored them. BM refused to allow him to go back, that doctor did not know what she was talking about. BM and DH are both run totally ragged after dealing with skid for a day, they let him run all over them, their level of denial is disgusting. They don't want to recognize the signs, deal with him as they should to minimize his behaviors, because that is harder than just laying down and taking his shit. They tune out, distract him with bribes and material things, let him get his way on everything, just to save themselves from his wrath. The rare times they have tried to make him mind, it is just a disaster. BM has already lost her shit and beat his ass and caused all kinds of trouble. He is unbearable to someone that does not feel obligated to love him and deal with him like me, school staff, members of my family, etc. No one can even stand to be around him except for MIL, BM, and DH, and evn then, they are the furthest thing from happy.
Your DH screamed at you because you were making him face the cold hard reality of the situation and were forcing him to come out of his safe haven of putting all the responsibility on you. He has not talked to you because he has nothing to say that will make it all go away. He wants to deflect the blame on to you and make you focus on his anger at you instead of the actual problem at hand. He doesn't want to change or deal with his son so he is going to take it out on you instead of doing what is right.
I recommend disengaging. Take
I recommend disengaging. Take care of your kids, your house and your husband but leave ss for DH to take care of. This is not your problem unless you want it to be and it sounds like you don't, are there any other of ss family members around? Maybe they can help take on some responsibility to help DH. Because remember, ss is his full responsibility but you and your kids are also his responsibility so he needs to handle all of you guys.