My relationship with my husband is poor because of my SD
New to this and just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same way that I am. My SD is 5 and will be turning 6 in about 3 weeks. We currently have her every weekend, from Friday night through Sunday. We are newly married (about 8 months) and I feel like my relationship with my husband is worse now than it was before we were married. Part of the reason I feel this way is because the BM moved back to the town we live in, so we have my SD every weekend. When she is with us, I feel completely ignored. There are times that I have asked him to do something with me (something silly, like do the photobooth in the mall) where he refuses. My SD asks him, and he does anything and everything she wants to do. I basically feel like I don't exist when she is around. I have tried countless times to bring this up to my husband and he discounts my feelings and makes me feel stupid for even bringing it up, telling me that I "think WAY to much about things". Right now, we are in a custody battle attempting for primarly physical custody (they currently have joint custody) and I fear things are only going to get worse. I need some advice. Please Help!
Me too Lynne, so glad I found
Me too Lynne, so glad I found this site. Hugs
Same here. Same Disneyland
Same here. Same Disneyland Dad, same kind of issues, same age of kid, just a boy. It does not get better. My Dh has been in a custody battle with BM for a year and it is now renewed with even more vigor and I know in my heart that if he gets full custody we are done.
I hate to tell you this but
I hate to tell you this but it doesn't get better. I've had a SS in my life for around 8 years and when he's around it's like DH has won the lottery and me and my bio daughters are just background music. Try to rectify things now and put your foot down with your demands or it will only get worse. The little girl us only 5 now but wait till she fully understands the situation, she will be in full competition with you for DH attention... Hugs to you, I'm in the same boat
I should mention that my SD
I should mention that my SD is not the best behaved of children; she frequently lies to me and is very manipulative for her age (which she has learned from her BM). DH rarely punishes her and I'm really trying to learn to just pull away from that, with the thoughts that she is my DH's daughter, not mine. My DH and I eventually want to have a child of our own, but I'm worried that my SD will influence DH's decisions and will try to make him feel guilty for not being with her BM. Mind you--they were never married and I have been in SD life since the age of three. I really want to beleive that our relationship will improve, but I'm worried. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I need a very, very long vacation to myself.
I have been on here for a few
I have been on here for a few weeks and you sound just like I did when I first came here. The terms I quickly learned and quickly realized that are very real and very serious in terms of a marriage's survival are Disneyland Dad (exactly what you are describing), google it, it is ridiculous what these idiot fathers do) and your learning to just pull away from that is disengaging. I have done that completely, but when did it, I did not know what I was doing and did not do it on purpose really. I finally just got so fed up and backed into a corner that I stopped doing anything and stopped trying to help DH out of sheer survival. You have a lot in common with a lot of us here, it seems to be common themes that lead us here, unfortunately, another common theme is, that is does not get better. Sorry.
duplicate
duplicate
I'm in a doubly worse
I'm in a doubly worse situation because DH is of Greek descent so firstly the step kid is a. First born, b. a son, c. From the first family and I have two daughters and I'm always feeling they are inadequate compared to King SS
It never ends in this s$&@ situation
DH has 50/50 and it was too
DH has 50/50 and it was too much for me, but my skid is really disturbed and DH is the WORST Disneyland Dad. I stay away now, but man, before I gave up and disengaged, it was HELL. I do the barricade myself in my room thing now. Still no way to live.
Two days a week doesn't seem
Two days a week doesn't seem much at all, but both I and DH work full time. It seems the only time we actually get to spend together is the weekends, and we can't even do that because we have my SD. I feel that although I haven't been married for long, we haven't had much of a chance to work on our marriage or be newly weds. I think that is what is frustrating me the most.
--I would LOVE to just go to a movie or eat dinner with just my DH. We just don't get to do that. During the work week, he's too tired to go out and do anything and frankly, so am I.
This was me exactly as well.
This was me exactly as well. EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. NO breaks EVER. We never had a time for our marriage. We have been married a little over a year now and it has been horrible. There was no couple time for us either, and there was no way to go do anything with skid because he is so uncontrollable. Now, I am disengaged and skid has Daddy all to himself.
Will your DH agree to getting
Will your DH agree to getting a sitter so the two of you can have "date night"? If your DH was still with BM, wouldn't he agree to go out with just his wife occasionally? Or is he so wrapped up in SD that he can't be away from her for a few hours, even to nurture his marriage? Put it to him that way, and if he won't agree to having a sitter so you can go out, you know you are in really big trouble.
Every weekend.
Every weekend.
Please do yourself a favor by
Please do yourself a favor by NOT allowing full custody. I am speaking from experiences here. I love my step daughter, but I cannot stand the thought that she moves in with us full time.
Hubby and I were talking about divorce two months ago because of the complicated issues of step parenting. We are still working things out, I don't know what the future holds, I just know that i am not going to allow myself and my bio son aka hubby's bio son to take the backseat for the rest of our lives.
My son belongs to my husband, he is only 2 years old. When sd7 is here, hubby completely ignores our son. He said he only get to see his daughter half of the time. I told him once that most of the divorced father I know only take in their child every other weekend, why can't you do that? He got all pissed off and offended.
I still think marrying a man with a child is the biggest mistake I made my entire life.
My DH is the same way. If
My DH is the same way. If skid is present no one else exists. I too believe marrying a man with a child is the biggest mitake I ever made.
Totally self centered
Totally self centered spineless DH's abound around here. They are the root of the problem that everything else springs forth from.
As always, Echo nailed it. I
As always, Echo nailed it. I have the benefit of a decade of hindsight from my first step situation. I resented my SD for negatively affecting my marriage. Post divorce and I'm now close with my SD (now 27) and not on speaking terms with my ex. The skids can't be the head of the family...the man has to step up and realize that the primary relationship of the family must be the man and wife. The kids are, well kids.
^^^THIS THIS THIS^^^ I would
^^^THIS THIS THIS^^^
I would not be married if my DH wasn't on board with putting our marriage first.
It would be great if unguys
It would be great if unguys could get a sitter, even twice a month for a few hours... get her to bed early and plan evenings together at least... maybe ask him to take a personal day at work every so often? You need weekend time together and time yourself to relax!!!
understandable that you are
understandable that you are not happy.I sometimes get the same here and it eats me up from inside.I always thought my SO is one of the better ones, but laterl it feels like one step was taken forward and now we go three steps back.
isn't it funny that alot of
isn't it funny that alot of men can't be bothered to go for full custody UNTIL they marry a built in babby momma? i think they try to re-create the original family unit. if you're having these kinds of problems now, why in the world would you support (and i'm sure help contribute financially) to his obtaining FULL custody? is your future secured (retirment already set, family complete, etc)? also very funny how these bms all of the sudden move back into town as soon as their ex re-marries? same thing happened here. just about ruined our newly married lives. and this is what spurred me to make HUGE changes and delivered many ulimatums, because there was no way i was going to live my life the way things were going. tried the custody route, too but when the attorney wanted $10k for a deposit, that's where it ended. that money was going to be used for OUR life, not going back and trying to fix his choices of who he decided to have children with. that's the woman he chose to be a mother, so in the abscense of her death, going to jail, or children's services taking those kids from her, we will allow her to mother. we will stand by the ORIGINAL agreement that the two of those made BEFORE i came onto the scene.