I don't know but I feel similar- my fella has one son and I have no interest in kids at all.

This is a hard one, being the SM is hard, but these problems dont really sound any different than the one I have with my Bio kids. I would suggest talking to FDH if he is on your side and will back you, I would go that route first. Set some boundries, like they have to ask before they eat something. And if it is something you already have plans for suggest something they can have.
But on the flip side if FDH is not going to allow you to set boundries and have rules in your home, I suggest you leave. This answer sucks but they only get worse when they become teenages and girls are mean...lol And if you are not up for the challenge go find what will make you happy.

I'm sorry you're going through this...I really don't have any words of wisdom for you with regards to your feelings...but as for coping with the food & neediness...

My SO & I live with my SS8 & SD7. I instated what I call "THE KIDS SNACK SPOT" both in the pantry AND the fridge...anything NOT in said area is to be left untouched unless they get permission...it works really well!

Both of my resident Skids are very needy...I have started saying "go be independant" or "time for your independance" with a smile...this means that they are to LET GO OF MY HAND, or go sit on thier own or simply unattach themselves from my hip. They think it's funny & they are becoming more independant.

While you are in the picture with your BF, try viewing the Skids like you would nieces...with me, neices don't get away with murder, they are expected to listen/obey & are expected to show respect to others when in my care...I expect the same from my Skids...in your case, they aren't there on a full-time basis so it should be do-able if this idea works for you.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

from my understanding this is a good age to become a step mother ... they are young enough, but yes, being a step mom is harder than being a biological mom. You will never feel the same kind of love for them that you feel towards a biological child.

The thing with the fridge, you can tell them that they need to ask first before they go and start grazing in the fridge. One of my friends does that with her own biological children. I don't think that is unreasonable. I don't do that with my skids because a precedent was set before I came into the house. I just put post-its on things that they can't eat if I have plans for things for dinner, or hide it in the vegie drawer so they won't eat it.

My daughter knows to ask first before getting certain foods. I always told her though that as long as it was healthy it would be a yes -- ie fruit. But snackie foods she had to ask permission to eat them. Even to this day she asks and she's 17! It is nice to have a polite kid. (compared to the skids)

Read Stepmonster also before you make any final decisions about becoming a step mom. I do wish I knew then what I know now -- I would have stayed single. I love my husband, but this has been a very difficult thing to go through -- and my story isn't even as horrific as some. Simply said -- it is hard to be a step mom -- because you will never be their "real" mom -- no matter how wonderful and perfect you are.

If you have no kids, now is the time to move on. I have to say that because of some issues we had with BM and skid lying early on, I could never again get myself to want to enjoy being anywhere near that kid. Unfortunately, we already had a child together and thus I have stayed. Had it not been for my child and us having the opportunity to move away from her, I would probably not have lasted this long.

And DON'T feel guilty...here's the thing...it is NOT the same to give birth to a child, one who needs you, loves you, never talks back, smiles, etc...while they are a baby...and thus you are able to form a bond with them...and then as they get a little rowdy you are able to still deal with it, than it is to suddenly be given just the rowdy kid...It's not the same and will never be. Most men who complain that we don't love their kids as much as we should, or like our own, married women who HAVE NO KIDS...isn't that funny? Don't you find that interesting? And the very few who did have kids of their own, have done one of two things 1. given their new husbands the green light on parenting the kids or 2. the new DH doesn't love their kids the same as their own BIO kids, ie. what we normally refer to here as skids.

Good luck. Not trying to be harsh. But I wish I could go back in time and I know exactly how you feel.

PS - originally I called myself an SMOM, but rather quickly I didn't call myself an SMOM...that helped me deal somewhat...I called her "my husband's daughter"...and 'her father's wife"...

Well honestly you need to end this relationship before you are mean to these girls. I'm a SM and if I felt this way about my SD I would not be in her life.

You say these are good girls and they love you..but you dont feel the same way and you will never love them. This is not fair to these girls or to their dad and really it's not fair to you.

I truly think you need to find someone with no kids... I'm not trying to be mean here..but the writing is on the wall....you dont want these girls in your life period...

Z

I'm with you! I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE being a stepmother. However, this child is 50% my DH's so love my DH enough to "tolerate" it. 8 yrs, 3 mos & 4 days til he's 18 and out of the house!!!!

Ugh. I feel the same. Only the fsd's here are 6 and 8 and hellions. I have no interest in children but with all of the breeding going on in the world today - it makes it almost impossible to find someone WITHOUT kids. If I could forget my man...I would...and I would RUN. This has taken all and everything out of me. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Keep us updated.

If you do not have your own child(ren) please don't strap yourself with the responsibility of someone else's! If you get irritated by the small things, which I understand because that's ur space, wait till the big invasions start. Honey go find a man with no kids, or better yet no kids and sterile if you don't want kids at all.

Well, don't listen to Zoie. I totally disagree. Those kids are not yours, nor will they ever be. ALMOST ALL (hello!!) talk about not liking/loving their skids. Isn't that why this site exists??? Anyway, it's NATURAL to not have those connections, because check it out you didn't give birth to those crumbsnatchers!

Sounds like I'm in the same boat as you. My SD7 is a very polite, sweet little girl. I don't dislike her, but I feel the same dread as you before she comes around. (I think it's because she's the spitting image of BM (ewww) :sick: ). However, just because you don't necessary like/love your FSKIDS doesn't mean your life will be hell like many of these stepparents make it out to be. Just treat them with respect and demand the same.

You're in a relationship with your FDH, not his kids. Think of it that way. BUT if you already have questions or any doubts about being with your BF for other reasons, then you can factor in the kids as another reason you might want to bail. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

OH man...I have two step children and I feel the same way many of the times. I have never really gotten the hang of being around them. They are for the most part good children. But are very spoiled and needy and still use their parents divorce as an excuse for everything. I'm often sad about the wwhole situation sometimes. I have a new little baby with my husband, but man its hard being a stepmother. So I really don't have any advice but I know how you feel.

No easy answer here. At one point I was very excited to have some mom-like stuff to do, especially since I could not biologically have kids. After 6+ years I realize the limited influence I have and my true maternal instinct has never turned on, which I have mixed feelings about.

It is different than I expected - some things worse, many better than expected. Biggest surprise has been the change in relationship with DH. It's tougher than expected to be hubby and wifey, as he hasn't really learned how to balance being BD and DH. That said, I love him like crazy and know us being together is absolutely the right decision.

Oh my goodness, lilreenie, that's my story to the tee. I love FDH, but I am horrified! I was honest about my not wanting children from the start. I'm in my late 20's with a great career-to-be (I'll be a Doctor in 2 years), and the baby momma drama is SO much to deal with. I understand how you feel, don't feel bad. If you are good to the Step kiddo's and love your man, it's the best you can do. You're not alone!
Ps, thank god I found this site!!!

My FH and I have been together 4 years. We got together when his son was 1 and a half. The first year we were together we had issues with BM, since then things have cooled down with her, but her son, my SS's behavior keeps getting worse. I used to love the kid and we would play and I'd teach him things. But lately(he's 4 now) he has become mean and obnoxious. I blame the BM for creating an environment that is not healthy. We know for a fact she puts him in diapers(goodnites), and that is why he's not potty trained fully. He's outgoing, but has low self esteem, and at his BM he gets whatever he wants. He watches whatever he wants, plays games whenver he wants, gets his own snacks and eats whenever he wants. There is no discipline there.
At our house is a different story, he has rules, a schedule, a reward and discipline system, and it works for the week he's here. Then he goes to BM and it all comes undone. And when we try to talk about it with her she doesn't see it, doesn't get it. she thinks he's just the way he is.
It's frustrating trying to be the good parent and the good girlfreind/fiance'. We are torn between them and their kids, and they will always choose their kids. Even BD gets on me for "riding his son's ass". If he didn't need it, I wouldn't do it.
All this makes me worry about our future too, are we strong enough to make it, am I?
All I can say is, they are just kids, and take one day at a time. If he supports you in everyway and are willing to make the effort, maybe just maybe the child will grow up respecting you more than their own BP. I don't want to give up on the kid, and I don't want to let my best friend and FH down. Yes, at times I feel like a failure, and I don't feel like I'm making a difference, and he hates me, but that usually means I'm not trying hard enough, so I try harder and next thing I know he's telling me I'm cool, and he loves me.
There are going to be ups and downs, but stand by each other, and everything will be OK.

I've just found this site, as I've been desperately searching for advice. I have two Skids 4 and 8 (girls) and they're are great kids, but I feel the same way. I care a great deal about providing them with a safe, happy, healthy environment and try my best to show them the right amount of affection.
However, we have them for four days every week, and every week I dread the idea of them coming back and I secretly can't wait for them to leave again.
I love their father a great deal, and have had to terminate two pregnancies because we couldn't afford another child. I think this adds to the inner resentment. Do these feeling ever actually get better? I'm getting worried seeing all of the advice on this site telling me to run while I still can.
I feel like it gets more and more difficult as time presses on but I stay in the hopes that one day, when I have a child of my own I'll be happy in this situation. My boyfriend loves me a lot and takes such good care of me, and his kids that I feel like I owe it to him to try.

I am coming into this conversation late... maybe should start a new thread but I am struggling with whether to commit to being a SM (I am 32 y/o nonparent, bf is 30). Long story short, after dating BF for a year he told me the girl he was 'casually dating' just before me got pregnant with what turned out to be his kid after DNA testing, so he has a baby daughter and is in a custody/support battle with the BM (who has been engaged to another guy since her pregnancy and whom she refers to as 'daddy' around the baby). In my first marriage (which ended w/o kids), my ex switched jobs and then went back to school, so we were in a diff't place financially, we couldn't take vacations, etc. because of his school schedule and cashflow, whereas I worked hard to be able to do/buy nice things. I fear that aspect, i.e. BF will always have to commit his time/$ to the kid (we are both professionals and BM works 9-5, so he'd have to pay quite a bit in support). I will always have to contribute the bigger share if we ever have a kid of our own, and probably have fewer kids or not be able to give my kid everything i want b/c most of his $ will go to his first child. BM's parents are funding her lawyer to fight tooth and nail for sole custody and max support from BF, BF is fighting back with his own $. The baby is 7mo now and everyone in BF's family adores her. I don't. Not surprisingly, there is some resentment and jealousy (and BF's brother and his wife just had a baby girl so focus is on the 2 new babies and I feel like an outsider)... But my BF wants me to 'try', says so many other blended families make it work and if I loved him enough I'd be willing to make some sacrifices (he does not expect me to parent his child but I'd have to put up with his having less time and $ for me/us).

Were it not for the kid, I'd agree to spend my life with him in heartbeat, he has everything I want in a partner, but reality is the kid and BM are in the picture, too. I'm scared to commit to SM life and find out the issues are more than I can take, not to mention I am aging out of the time to safely have kids of my own. Even though it kills me to have to let him go there is so much pain and uncertainty with the baby situation it is hard to see how things can work out in the LR. Any perspective is appreciated...

I too realized that I am so unhappy in the blended family situation. I adore my step daughter, the problem is not the kid. But more and more I just realized that step parenting situation is hell on earth.

I hate when people say, "OP, you are wrong, you have no say so in your step child's life. Kids come first."
I hate when people yell, "OP, you are selfish, and how can you argue or feel jealous of a child?"

Kids kids kids, other people's kids, so annoying.

If I can do it all over again, I will NEVER have married a divorced man with kid. The stupid bm forever in our lives, all these dramas involved, I am more and more resentful of my situation.

I like Anywho78's idea of the kid's snack spot. Your BF's kids are still young, and I think this would work quite well. Don't feel like a horrible person! Being a SM can be hard, but don't let other people's bad exeriences get you down. You didn't mention anything negative about your relationship - other than not loving the kids.

You said they are good girls and they adore you. That is half the battle right there! A lot of people on here talk about how awful their SK are and how they're treated like crap. You don't seem to have that problem. The only issue you seem to have is that you don't love them. I think that's completely normal. You didn't carry them for 9 mos. You didn't see them born. You didn't see them take their first steps. I've read that sometimes it can take several months to love your SK. Sometimes it can take years. And sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

After typing all this, I now see how old your post is. If you're still on here, please let us know what's going on.

I am going through something emotionally draining I feel like a bad person.....my boyfriend(he calls me his wife but i dont think he knows what that is) found out he might have a child when he was away for 3 years about 6 months into him being away. I dont date men with children because I dont want to be a stepmother and I dont like the drama the.mothers never know their place so I usually just hang out with them get what I want and never ever take them seriously. Now that I have gotten older I dont like children at all I can deal with them but I dont want any I like my life without kids and everyone I know tell me wait as long as I can...he has been allowing the little boy to call him daddy he has not had a dna tedt I found out about it recently and im devastated.....he basically told me he does not care how I feel that by me not wanting him to see him until there is a test I am trying to "shape" his life and he also told me I think the baby is going
to take my place..... And Im pretty sure he has been telling other people that....i want to run away and never look back but I love him too much I dont know what to do.... I told him that I thought we were something we are not and I wont say anything but me saying that makes me feel like im settling I dont know im so confused everybody I know with kids say im being irrational he says it has nothing to do with me but if the kid is his it does and if I say I dont want nothing to do with the kid finacially or emotionally I would be wrong so how does it not have anything to do with it....am I being irrational????

Poetrygul, is your BF going to start a relationship with this child without first knowing if he is the biological father?

Help! I am in desperate need of advice.

I am currently in a relationship with a man who has a two year old son.
I have absolutely no interest in children, If anything I've always felt extremely awkward around them and I am unsure if I ever want any of my own.

This situation is tearing me apart, I am in my early 20's and feel very uncomfortable playing this role. From the offset I explained to my boyfriend that I've never been fond of children and that him having one would be a huge issue for me and one I could never guarantee I would get over (meaning that we could break up over it as I did with my ex)

I find myself dreading his son coming to stay (every other weekend). we only have a one bedroom flat so his son has to share a room with us which means that from about 8pm when he puts his son to bed on the Friday and Saturday of every other weekend my bedroom is off limits to me, my boyfriend won't even let me tip toe in to retrieve a phone charger or a book as he says I'll just wake him up, in fact if I even go to leave the living room I get constant reminders to stay quiet and not turn the light on etc. this also means his kids bed is constantly in the middle of our bedroom, there are plastic light up stars on the walls and a painted Disney character, I feel like it's not my room at all, I spend 0 time in there, my boyfriend has said he'll paint the walls but nothing has happened.
I feel so resentful of this situation, I hate sharing a room with this kid, I feel like I can't move around incase I make any noise and wake him up if I want to use my phone for anything my boyfriend turns the sound and screen light down, I understand that this child needs to sleep but I feel like a guest in my own bedroom, if his child wakes up crying he puts him in our bed and it makes me soo uncomfortable, I move to the very edge of the bed and lay awake all night.

I hate myself for feeling so resentful of this poor toddler, I don't let anything show infront of him and he's actually rather fond of me but I can't reciprocate, I feel I will always find him to be a nuisance and not an addition,

His dad Is no help, used to not drain the bath out after bathing his son and would just leave all the toys in there, he'd leave his bottles all over the place, in the kids bed, under the bed, wherever it fell, by the time I'd find it it'd have gone off solid milk inside which as my boyfriend works and I don't would be my job to clean out, he'd also leave the kids toys strewn all over the floor and forget to bin nappies. He's picked up on all of this since I've voiced my disconcert.

Not long ago I mentioned him having a child still being an issue for me and he just got angry and told me to 'get over it', he couldn't understand my view point in the slightest. We recently broke up over this situation but got back together on the same day on the condition of him making a few changes re the state of the bedroom, his lack of discipline in areas I feel VERY strongly about - how his child treats my pets, but I feel like this will always remain an issue for me.

My boyfriend regrets becoming a parent soo young and I think he resents it, he doesn't show much interest in playing with the child. He hate the early mornings that come with parenthood an has on a few occasions expected me to get up amuse the child so he can sleep for an extra hour (the kid likes spendin time with me but he's there to spend time with his dad) I have said this and that I don't see why I should have to get up early, it's not my responsibility, he's very easily irritated by the child so even if he gets up and let's me sleep for another hour it doesn't take long before I'm asked to watch the child so he can step outside for a cigarette I de stress before he kills him.

I have said I probably won't want any kids and my boyfriend has said he's happy with just his son, this offends me, I can't help feeling like he was happy to have one with his ex but not with me.

I don't know what to do, I'm putting up with a lot because my boyfriend works and I don't so I feel i ought to be grateful and just go along with this (I have a mental illness and it makes holding down employment difficult, I'm starting to look for work but I'm terrified) but for now he pays the bills.

I just think they'd be better off with somebody who actually likes children, when his child plays up or starts crying I don't think "aww maybe he's tired" or anything remotely sympathetic, I just think I can't wait for him to shut up, and yes I guess I am jealous that I would never be my boyfriends main priority, my ex had a kid so I haven't been somebody's main focus in a relationship since I was 18, I'm sure that must be better than this.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Hey everyone,

THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL CONSIDERING STEPMOTHERHOOD.

It's nice to read all of your posts every now and then because A. There is absolutely NO ONE I can talk to about my frustrations, and B. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

As written in my reply ^ I am a stepmom for 2 years to a 7 yr old, no kids, and married to my 1st husband, living each day hoping that it will get easier but it never does. I too dread the weekends as my stepdaughter comes and stays til monday. I also dread the summer time because that means the fri-mon that she's here becomes fri-wed on occasion . I hate the feeling but I also hate feeling like a maid in my own house every time the weekend rolls around. I mean, the weekends are supposed to be for winding down! :? When I was dating my husband, we always went out on the weekends. it was fun and carefree. Upon our marriage we made a pact to keep it that way but guess what. NO. Nothing will ever go your way again. I don't walk out of my house on the weekends unless it's for the kid. SAD, I know.

The bio mom slept around and was a filthy whore to my husband and left her newborn baby at the time to go sleep around in a different state. She has since then, moved back, started living with a guy and rushed to marry him as soon as she heard of our marriage. Now she's lording it over and thinks she's the worlds greatest mom and so does my stepdaughter. I want so badly and fight myself every day to not tell my SD about her filthy mother but I don't want to be the villain. I just let it be. I just have to live and deal with her bragging about how much she loves her bio mom and talks about her at all times. It seriously kills me inside.

And you wanna know what I do? The same exact things that she does. I play with her, make her meals tuck her to bed kiss her booboos get her showers ready , clean up after her, poop on the toilet and all. But do I get any of the appreciation. No, and trust me it will never happen. My husband is well meaning but does his own thing. I no longer can sit on my own bed and just BE. She comes in lugging all her toys and leaves them everywhere for me to pick no matter how many countless times we tell her to pick up after herself.

I am never made aware (although I ask to be) if she is staying an extended time and when she's here it's about her. I spend no time with my husband at all. I have tried to make hobbies for myself but it always seems like 'I don't want to spend time with the family' wth. It's never ending trying to please them. Whenever I try to do something fun (and expensive) with her like the zoo or the waterpark she always makes a fuss at the end and says she didn't have fun. Completely ungrateful. But I'm supposed to be the adult and just suck it up like some sort of robot.theres only so many feeling of rejection and loneliness I can take.

Marriage is supposed to be the big moment in your life and hopefully everyone will be joyful for you and then you have kids but it's not that way at all. The wedding will be totally overlooked because the conversation will always be about the child no matter what. You cannot have. Normal relationship with husband family because there will always be a first wife and she will always come up in conversation and of course the kid takes the show always.

Nowadays I just pretend to be tired and go to my bed with the lights off, only way I can get any peace and quite anymore. I wish everyday that I can take it all back and be single again. I had dreams of traveling and relocating, husband was up for it then but now it seems we cannot because bio mom lives here and it's impractical.

My wish is to never have to see, communicate with bio mom in school functions or any time in life. I wish that she can get deported for being lazy. It seems cruel but ultimately I wish i married a man without a child, I wish that my husband didn't have a child or that this child was my biological child. Any other situation than the one I am currently in.

I can go on and on but what's the point.
All of you who are considering what life would be like, well here it is.

DONT DO IT..
It doesn't matter if the child is a good kid. You are not marrying your man, you are sacrificing your like to someone else's child.

Also, if any of you need a friend to talk to, I'm always open to exchanging email or info. Hope we can all make it through this with some dignity.

I would have to agree and say to run now! It doesn't get easier...and it is forever!! First it is the kids but when the BM finds out you will be around forever it will start to be her and the skids plotting against you. It's a lot to deal with on a day to day basis and if I could do it again I would just have stayed single!

BRAVO BRAVO!!! Well said!!! NOT losing or sacrificing yourself is the best thing you can do in these situations since it is not your child..I am getting there myself! Its hard to overlook certain things these kids do but in the long run..IM NOT THEIR PARENT..my time is MY time...I don't have to be their slave..but DAD does...When they are here I do and do MY own thing too!!!
It works for me as well. I don't feel TIED and BOUND to these two lazy brats that arent mine to worry about!!

YAY US!!!

I am not a big fan of the disconnection/disengagement thing. I am far more a fan of 'it's my life and I am in control of it'.

My wife, my marriage, my home, my rules, like it or suck it up. I couldn't care less. Of course I have to accept the same perspective from my bride. Fortunately we have figured out how to meld our lives and just about everythign else including parenting my Skid.

One thing that bonded us very quickly in our mutually supportive perspective within our marriage was to address the Sperm Clan's toxic and polluted influence on our kid. They tried to inject that same crap into our marriage and our family but we put a stop to that crap in a hurry. After the first rounds of dealing with their toxic crap we were in lock step on making destruction of the Sperm Clan a priority in order to protect our kid (my Skid) from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.

I struggle with the concept that there can be a quality marriage when such a huge part of that marriage does not integrate the partners in the marriage to work and deal with it together.

As my bride and I are equity partners in our marriage we are also equity parents to any children in our home regardless of their biology. The blended family opposition can either work reasonably with us or they can fuck off. Their call. One way we will work with the them, the other we will do everything in our power to destroy them and minimize their influence on our kid. Their call.

You asked this question on a site full of hurt, broken-hearted, wonderful people whose efforts and good intentions cause fights with their spouse.

When in doubt - don't.

Hello. I’m new to this site but am so happy to find it. I have been with my Fiancé for 4 years he has 2 Sons ages 7 & 13. I was 18 when my fiancé and I started dating and everything was ok. He was currently separating from his ex wife. I thought I could take in the responsibility of two kids that aren’t mine. I can’t take it. I don’t like or even love his kids and regret when they have to come over. Mind you that isn’t often we get them only on the 1st 3rd and 5 th weekends of the month. But when they are here I would rather shoot myself then be around them. I feel guilty and like I am a terrible person. At the beginning I put forth a lot of effort because I thought that’s what a good gf and FSM would do. After a while though it began to get draining and I began to realize I didn’t like his kids. They aren’t bad boys they are both very good children don’t get me wrong. I just can’t take having them around. I feel like a 40 year old woman in a 22  year olds body. 

Just this morning. I got up to go to his sons game, that I didn’t want to go to or ever want to go to, and he got upset saying he only wants me to go if I want to go. But if I don’t pretend to Want to go my Fiancé throws his tantrum and is pissed off about it. So I feel even worse because he wants me to WANT this but I don’t. I cook and clean and play with his kids. I do what I am supposed to do for them and do whatever my fiancé wants me to do for them. I just feel trapped and suffocated. 

My fiancé says he wants me to do whatever I Want to do but when I do that he gets mad that I don’t Want to be there for his kids. 

Am I wrong? I feel like I have to pretend to Want to be thee for his kids just so I can avoid him getting upset that it Isnt what I Want. My heart aches because I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. He acts like I should treat his kids like they came out of my Vajayjay. 

But they are NOT my kids nor do I WANT them to be. I think I’m just tired of it all but yet I keep trying. 

No one does--want to be a stepmother--after the fact.

Does anyone want to be a SM after the fact?  I truly don't think so.  When you think about it, what is your reward?  For the most part, no one, including society as a whole, ever rewards SMs.  They tolerate them, at best, and in some cases, even go out of their way to "punish" them for what tends to be perceived or displaced wrongs vs. genuine ones. 

But, I think after a while pretty much every SP starts to realize this, and realizes they have to either get out or try to make the best of it.  The key is to recognize someone else's step-BS when you hear it or see it and not let it get to you.  Very difficult to do, esp. given the gang mentality that seems to exist around condeming SMs.  That and disengaging are about our only two weapons, sans divorce.

I know how you feel..well how most of you ladies feel.

And everything I do just seems to make the matter worse.

I'm in my early almost mid 20s. And dating and living with an amazing guy.  We did the way too early moving in together.. which we both realized after the first few months. Now it's happily been going on for 8months with no possible breakups.

Well that's until he mentions his 3year old daughter. She is a great kid personality wise with no manners (which is mostly her BMs fault)

And which me as SM is trying to correct with alot of trouble. Like today I was about an inch away of smacking her bottom for back chatting me and her father. (He isn't even sure if he is BF and recently he said he  will do a paternity test to make sure because I refuse to have kids if he is not even sure if his own daughter is his.) Let's just say BM liked to sleep with everyone of the friends circle.

Me and DH met randomly and just fell inlove instantly..it was just immediately and we didn't find faults not even after a year. Except his kid. BM hasn't in 3 years given him a birth certificate. I mean come on...

SD also has DHs best friends eyes and skintone? 

Long story short..I always feel pushed out.. Like tonight. We were in bed and when I ask for a drink it's a no but when she asked she gets it without hesitation.

Last night was Christmas eve. And he then eent to go lay by her and not by me. I'm like wtf? Hello????! I'm also here. I also want snuggles. I paid for most of her gifts because I was the one who.done shopping. She got a shit ton of stuff and I had to wrap it. And guess what I.got from him? a second thought gift-he bought me.a dog

He tries to envolve me with disciplining her but I know I was raised strict and organized. I'm studying to become a Chartered accountant.. so stuff is very different for me.

Whereas he has been raised laid back.. could steal daddy's car at 14 stuff like that? I mean yes big difference in education while raised. And now I want to put my foot down and he softens my landing? I even told him to man up? Which he is only starting now. 

I don't know. Why I subscribed but I have to.say I feel alot better. 

will it get better? I will say no. 

I thought it woukd get better for me, it didn’t. My SD isn’t awful yet but she just gets annoying. My husbands family has expectations of me loving all over the girl, which I have no desire to do.

I love on my my kids because its natural to me. If I was to love on my SD I feel forced. She is nice and fine. She says I am smart and fair. If my husband and I split would I want some girl loving all over them, hell no. 

At the end of the day do I miss her? No. I saw someone posted its not fair to the kid.. i grew up thinking mt grandpa didn’t like me but did I see it as unfair no. Shit not all kids have to be liked. If you are fair and look to benefit/aid the child in a healthy way, that is good enough. 

Sometimes I dont even like being around my own daughter does that make me unfair? NO. Sometimes kids are annoying. 

If I could redo it all, I would have had pursues mt goals first and see where I landed. I woukd not live my life around my SD. Right now I have lived in areas that are poor for my career but close to my SD BM for my husband. Personally, do I feel like that helped me or made things better.. not for me, maybe for my husband. 

Everyone is different. Some people love their SKIDS but everyones custody is different and that really can change things. For example, someone who only sees their skids every few weeks might like it better than someone with split custody. Considering some of the comments, I would keep that in mind. 

No one wants to be a step-parent and what you are feeling is entirely normal. They say it takes 7 years to form a successful blended family, many don't ever get there (as this site can attest). 

I've been a stepmother for 14 years now and I can honestly say I would never have done it had I any indication of how hard it was going to be. That doesn't mean I feel regret it though, and I would definitely classify us as a successful blended family even though I don't like my SD much, but it's been such a hard and long slog to get here and I can feel myself running out of steam since I had my bio son (who is now 3).

It doesn't matter now nice the skids are, it's not natural trying to bond with kids that are not your own and who add mostly hard work to your life. You don't get what all other new couples get ie that selfish time where it's just the two of you. Instead you have to share your partner with skids and give up half your life (or whatever custody arrangement you have) to look after someone else's kids. To be blunt, it's the shittest job in the world.

Does it get better? I think it can get better but it will depend on a couple of very important things:

The most important thing is unity between you and your boyfriend. Does he make you feel like one of the family or an outsider? Do you have a say in discipline and how things work for the skids? Are you aligned on discipline? If you don't answer yes to all of these questions then I would say you are doomed - you only need to read all the posts on here to see that. 

Realistic and aligned expectations. Most of us come into this situation with naive expectations and fall flat on our faces when it turns out so differently to what we expect. Research shows that couples in blended families who go to counselling have a much higher chance of staying together. My DH and I went to counselling and it was the best thing we ever did.

Counselling - I would also recommend individual counselling for you to process and work through the feelings of resentment you are having. It's not a miracle cure but it does help.

My experience: I spent the first 4-5 years feeling nothing but resentment for my skids, I saw them as a chore and dreaded them cover over (and we had 50/50 custody). This period was hell and I ended up on anti-depressants. Through counselling, I managed to stop putting pressure on myself to like/love my skids and accepted that whatever would be would be. 

Over time, I lost that dread of the skids coming over and that high level of resentment but it never went away completely. I've always maintained some resentment as they make my life harder work and more difficult, I've never missed them when they are not here and I'll always prefer the skid-free periods of my life but it isn't something I dwell on much anymore becuase I've accepted this is my life. 

As for bonding, if your skids are nice kids then I think it's highly possible you can bond with them over time as long as you work through your resentment (preferably via counselling). 

I was able to bond with my SS15 eventually and love him but have never got there with my SD16. We don't have a bad relationship ie it's friendly enough and she's not rude to me or anything nasty like that but we are complete polar opposites and I find her off the charts annoying to live with. She also has a lot of traits that I just don't like and I would never choose to spend time with someone like her (let alone live with her) if I had a choice. She's a clone of BM which is very frustrating. 

So at this point for me I'm just biding my time until she's 18, at which time I'm desperately hoping she chooses to live with BM full-time as I honestly feel like I'm depleted when it comes to her and feel really over it. 

Bottom line - it's a big commitment to take on skids for 10-15 years and one you need to think very hard about. I would advise counselling for both you and your partner and you alone before making any big decisions as no matter how it turns out, it's going to be a long and hard road but there is also hope too!

Nope, it will not get better and deep inside I think you know it. Break up and find a man without kids. Best.