Step son is vindictive and sneaky
Hi guys, I am new to this site and feel I may be able to let off some steam here.
I have a 13yo step son. I have been in his life since he was 2 and DH and I now have two younger daughters of our own. SS's mother has turned him against me from day one and since we got married (6 years ago) I've had to watch every move I make in my own home and every word I say as he has been 'taught' to spy on us and listen to our conversations and report back to her. I've caught him so many times at the bottom of our stairs listening to our conversations in the nearby kitchen. When his psycho mother calls him, I can hear her asking him questions about what my daughters are doing and in particular one night we went to a family fair, she asked him to tell her everything we bought for our young daughters. She is an absolute psychopath. She has tried stalking me on facebook and asked SS whether I am on FB anymore as she has tried to find me...Sorry this has no order but I am simply letting go of a few issues in no particular order. He is extremely lazy and still expects DH to make his breakfast for him and wont make his bed. DH acts like he is a God when he is here and walks on eggshells around him but is extremely disciplinary with our daughters!!!! I do standard SM duties, ie:cook, wash and collect from school once a week but I don't have a relationship with him and have never been able to no matter how hard I try as he's a cold hearted kid who won't let people get close to him. My in laws don't even have a bond with him, the only people he has some kind of relationship with is DH and his bio mother.
My DH is of greek ethnicity and I know deep down he values a son as more valuable than a daughter and that really bothers me because my DD's love him so much. I just know that he tries so much harder to please SS and it bothers me day in day out. I've told him my feelings and he says "oh he's only here a few times a week, I dont want to be telling him off the whole time".
Thanks for listening, I have many more stories to vent on so I'll write about them as they pop back to mind...
The first born and especially
The first born and especially the male and doubly special is the first family. This kid has it all going for him. Add on the divorce guilt and you've got the perfect set-up for a completely spoiled kid.
Sounds like you are effectively disengaged from the kid and that's good but below is a link to a article on that subject you may find useful anyway.
Meanwhile part of the problem is your attitude. I know, I know, with a kid like this how can the problem be you? You can change your life by a simple change in attitude. What can this kid learn about you and yours that his mother can actually use. In court? With her family? Seriously - all this information this kids pumps back to her - for what purpose. I mean how does it hurt you?
Mommy learns that you and Daddy were argueing/discussing where to go on vacation this summer. Oh dear turmoil in paradise? Who cares that he reports it back? Seriously once you realize that everything this kid does has no real effect on your life you can let go of his irritating ways. Try this - when you catch him evesdropping on your conversation tell him to please come in the room and sit down so he can hear better. This will shock him and his father. Then continue the discussion or conversation with your husband while ignoring his presence. This tells the kid that what he's doing is harmless and silly - that not only is he not getting away with anything he's also completely wasting his time when he could be playing a computer game or something.
Meanwhile buy this book or something similar. Poke around Amazon.com by searching 'divorced dad' for books: http://www.amazon.com/Wednesday-Evenings-Every-Other-Weekend/dp/09679179... Buy him the book or something similar to show him he could be ruining his kids life.
Below is a link to article for you to read:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I agree with orange. I say
I agree with orange. I say this because I also had to switch off 'hot buttons' with SD here, similar stuff. It's a two way street too. As long as he is aggravating you, and reporting back, they are getting satisfaction. Switch it off and do not give it to them! It's hard, I will not tell you it's easy at all but it can be done.
Suggest to your daughters that it's no big deal, encourage them to do likewise if he tries that crap with them. You'd be surprised at what they are picking up from you towards the boy. Positively reinforce good behaviors and, wait for this one, LOL, in a couple of weeks tell daddy 'you might be right, honey, let's do this differently'. I guarantee you that the boy's focus will shift and your DH will see the side of the boy that you were talking about. Disengage as much as you can but do it in a polite way, along the lines of 'not right now (insert name) but come and ask me later'. If you are cooking for the family do not leave him out, or have DH do the cooking when the boy is there? Have them, all three, take turns at clearing the table and dealing with dishes. Once the boy feels more like part of the family you will get backlash from BM but, once again, do not give her the satisfaction of seeing you, or hearing of you, being upset in any way.
Good luck.
You will find that it is a
You will find that it is a very common theme here among SM's that there DH tippy toes around the child, treats the child like a king, and pretty much has no spine when it comes to the kid. You, on the otherhand, he will have no problem standing up to, especially about skid. It is very infuriating and one of the reasons I am here as well. That and skid and BM and all of their dysfunction. I have no relationship with skid either, nor do I want one. I have disengaged and it is the only thing keeping my marriage afloat these days.