Does this seem reasonable for an almost-10-year-old?
I know every child is different, but I'd like your input about whether or not this seems reasonable for an almost 10-year-old.
M husband has 50/50 custody and his daughter is an easy-going child. She does lack independence, however. She is given no space at her mom's and so she experiences time on her own (playing in her room, etc) as loneliness.
My husband wants to encourage more independence in her so she can enjoy time with herself. She also wants her to begin taking responsibility for her own routine. We've been told 10 years old is a good time for this.
My husband picks up his daughter every day after school on weeks when she's here. He and I work from home and have a few more hours of work to do once she gets home. This is challenging because she won't do anything by herself and requires constant direction.
We want to ease her out of that. So my husband and I put together a daily calendar of what she does when she gets home - everything is laid out hour by hour: play time, snack, homework, dinner, piano practice, shower, reading, etc. The idea is that she'll keep track of her own time and will mark things off the calendar when they're done.
We will be here, of course, and will help her whenever she needs something or has questions with her homework. We eat dinner at the table together every night and spend lots of quality time together.
We just want to put an end to the constant "now do this, now do this." And my husband thinks it's time her for to stop pleading that we do everything with her. He wants her to grow into a capable, confident, independent young woman!
What do you think, does this seem reasonable?
Thanks, Ana! We don't do
Thanks, Ana!
We don't do playdates during the week, but she has at least one playdate and one sleepover every weekend.
And we suggest many activities on the calendar - she has at least an hour of "independent time" every day - play with toys, play with dog and cats, draw/paint, make bracelets, write in diary, write letters, make gifts, read, take a hike, play in fort, do yoga.
We have to suggest this stuff because she will not come up with any of it on her own. She will just follow us from room to room. Right now she refuses to do anything unless we do it with her. (Learned behavior from being at her mom's - her mom uses her as an emotional crutch and treats her like a baby.)
But maybe with some more practice, she will learn new habits!
It's not a punishment! She
It's not a punishment! She does chess club and soccer and piano and we live 30 minutes from her school.
Her time is limited and it's our job to make sure she has time to do her homework - and relax! - every night.
We are the "fun house" on the weekends - all the neighborhood kids spend most of the weekend with us. So she gets plenty of time with her friends.
I understand where you're
I understand where you're coming from. But it's not a matter of convenience for us, it's a matter of hours in the day!
Once she's done with chess club or piano lesson or soccer practice, it's nearly 5:00. By the time we get home, it's nearly 6:00. That leaves two hours for dinner, homework, play time, and shower.
It's actually a good balance for her having quiet weeks with us since her mom leaves her with a different parent/kid every day after school on her weeks. My husband's daughter likes hanging out with her friends, but it's exhausting for her being at someone else's house for a playdate every single day after school. She comes back to us tired, depleted, and unwashed every monday.
That's a great idea, Ana,
That's a great idea, Ana, thank you!
I have to admit that having her "tag along" while I do stuff around the house does not appeal to me right now. But that's only because she never leaves me alone when she's here. It's hard for me. But still, she helps me make dinner every night and I help her with her homework and we read together several times a week, etc.
I think that's a perfect way
I think that's a perfect way of handling it. She'll know what's expected and feel a sense of accomplishment when she crosses things off her calendar
Thanks, Mel, that's our hope!
Thanks, Mel, that's our hope!
We've tried designating time
We've tried designating time - we try not to use the word "alone," we call it "independent time" since she's so sensitive about it. She resists it and feels lonely.
Then she tells her mom we force her to spend all her time alone. So not true! I know she's experiencing it that way but in reality she follows us from room and room and the "independent time" was 20 minutes playing her her dog and her cats!
It's really hard trying to help her experience healthy boundaries when she doesn't have any at her mom's house. Poor thing. She thinks being totally engulfed = love.
We will keep trying. And I will try the chore idea, thanks!
Love the "boredom bucket"! We
Love the "boredom bucket"! We will try that this summer - I'm thinking for now this calendar is going to be enough for her. Such a great idea, though - totally stealing it.
Thank you for confirming that independence at age 10 is a worthwhile thing to cultivate in her. Since I'm not a parent, I often come here to gather info to share with my husband, who puts everything in motion.
DNM, thank you, thank you!
DNM, thank you, thank you! This article is amazing, just the validation I was needing right about now. I can't thank you enough. I've shared it with my husband, and he says thank you, too!
UPDATE: My husband's daughter
UPDATE:
My husband's daughter is really taking to her routine/responsibility chart. She's been doing everything on her own and crossing things off all week! She really digs the idea of "independent time" meaning that what she does is completely up to her. I think we're on to something! I hope it benefits her.