Homework issues

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My SD13 (14 next month) is in 8th grade. She has a problem w/ doing and turning in her homework. We have 50/50 custody, & every night that she's w/ us, we go over what homework she has. Then the next day, we ask if she's turned it all in. She always says yes. On several occasions we've found out that she did NOT turn everything in. When she's w/ BM, she gets no guidance as far as homework goes (or much else). BM doesn't check on anything, and if SD lived w/ her full time, she would definitely fail the 8th grade. Just a few weeks ago, we told SD that we're going to check the school web site, and if there are any missing assignments, then we're taking away her phone and Kindle because obviously she's too distracted. The only way to get them back is to turn everything in. We don't know if we should keep monitoring her or if we should tell her that since she's almost 14 yrs old, it's time for her to start taking responsibility. If we keep monitoring her, she'll do well, but we'll get unbelievably frustrated and she won't learn any responsibility. If we take a hands off approach, she'll more than likely fail. Part of me thinks she needs to fail, but then if she does, that's just one more year we have to deal w/ BM! She would probably have the option to do summer school. I told DH that we should make her pay for it, and we need to take any birthday $ she receives next month and tell her that we're hanging onto it in case she has to do summer school!

Please help. We are so tired of dealing w/ this every night. Other than this homework issue, SD is a pretty good kid and we get along extremely well.

I just asked DH if he thought

I just asked DH if he thought we should meet w/ her teachers. When we talk to SD, she seems to understand and she seems to take us seriously. But then she goes back to BM's and she goes right back to her old ways. BM is the type that avoids her responsibilities and runs from her problems. This is what she's teaching SD. Not so much in words. It's by her actions. Lying and calling in sick to work so they can go to the beach. Not paying medical/dental bills but staying at a hotel for the weekend. Stuff like that. BM lives w/ her parents because her credit is horrible from all her unpaid bills. Plus, she can't make ends meet because she spends her $ on fun stuff - movies, restaurants, tanning, etc. I'd like to use her as an example, but I don't want to badmouth her to SD. I'd like to ask SD if she really wants to follow in BM's footsteps and sponge off people for the rest of her life because that's the path she's going down.

There's too much "we" where

There's too much "we" where "we" doesn't exist.
Your DH can discuss with SD's teacher his concerns.

Are the cell phone and Kindle yours, or did BM buy them? If you bought them, good plan. If BM bought them, keep ya paws off.

BTW, it's TERRIBLE idea to use SD's MOTHER as an example of what SD should NOT become. That's called PAS 'round these here parts.

If you re-read my post,

If you re-read my post, you'll see that this is what I said: "I'd like to use her as an example, but I don't want to badmouth her to SD." I would never badmouth BM in front of SD. BM pays for the cell phone, but DH and I bought the Kindle. And I was told by an attorney who works in Family Court that a parent has a right to take anything away from a child - doesn't matter who bought it. I don't know if that's true everywhere, but it is in my state.

You can take it away, but you

You can take it away, but you need to return BM's property to BM. Otherwise, it's stealing.
Who wants to deal with that hassle?

IF she were to use BM as an

IF she were to use BM as an example of who SD should NOT become...that would be PAS.

I NEVER wrote that there was PAS in the OP. Sigh. Clearly reading is a lost art.

I have met with and made

I have met with and made decisions on SS's education MULTIPLE times in the past 5 years. With no problem at all.

HRNYC is right. There is a

HRNYC is right. There is a federal law that protects student privacy. I could get sued if I even acknowledge my students are in the hospital at clinicals - just like I could for violating HIPPA. I would have to say that I think it is wise for teachers to air on the side of caution with that. I think HIPPA is just more widely known that the student privacy law.

I have met with and made

I have met with and made decisions on SS's education MULTIPLE times in the past 5 years. With no problem at all.

THANK YOU AnaR!!!!!

Like!

During the 50% of the time

During the 50% of the time that SD is with us, I am the mother in the household. No, I'm not the biological mother, but I have the mother role in my home. I have been to conferences for SD both with DH and without him. When I went alone, I introduced myself as STEP mom and no one even batted an eye. I think they were just glad that a parent showed up. I've also been on numerous field trips w/ SD, and again - they knew I was a step. As far as BM goes - I bring up the way she is to show you guys what we're up against. SD is not my biological child, but I do have an interest in how she turns out. Since she is living in my home 50% of the time, what she does or doesn't do affects me and my life. I truly want the best for her (and so does DH). I want her to do well in school and to become a productive citizen. I'm not here to debate whether anyone thinks I should be involved or not. I'm here looking for advice.

I get that. I was that person

I get that. I was that person for my SD. Matter of fact, I went to conferences long after BOTH of her parents were MIA.
I retained custody of her following my divorce from her father. So...I get it.
The truth is...you have a teenager. This teenager has two parents, and neither are you. For SD'S WELLBEING, she needs her PARENTS to step up and parent her. This isn't a slam to you. Kids need and want their parents to be involved. You are basically acting as a fill-in for her father, because, for whatever reasons, your DH can't be bothered to parent her himself. He's delegating it to you. That hurts SD and will cause her to feel like she isn't "worth" his effort and time.

No where does she say her

No where does she say her husband is delegating his parental responsibilities to her and not handling things. She refers to their approach as a joint approach. She states she is looking for approaches for THEM to take.

Ana, it's right here: "I have

Ana, it's right here:
"I have been to conferences for SD both with DH and without him."
If he's not delegating HIS duties, why is SM attending conferences WITHOUT the child's father??

So, therefore, your response

So, therefore, your response to her implies that he's giving up all of his responsibility to her? That doesn't make sense to me. Not personally what I would do, but maybe there's a reason that happened that way. I buy the food that feeds my SS his school lunch. That's one thing I take care of. Does that mean that you would imply that my husband hands over all of his responsibilities to me? I'm just saying your response comes across as very dismissive of the actual issue. If that's what you're intending to convey, then I don't see how that is helpful.

I said he's delegating duties

I said he's delegating duties to SM. NOWHERE did I say he's giving up all responsibility to her.

I don't see how it's helpful to take what I wrote, blow it up into an all or nothing, and then assume that is what I wrote.
I wrote exactly what I meant. Dad is delegating. I don't know if he's delegating one thing or everything, but he is clearly delegating at least SOME of the teacher conferences. Otherwise, SM wouldn't be attending them alone.

Again, I said you're implying

Again, I said you're implying it. I'm not blowing it up. I'm just saying that she isn't debating whether or not anyone thinks she should be involved. She's asking for ideas to help her SD become more responsible.

Which I gave her. See

Which I gave her. See below.

I'm not implying anything. I am writing exactly what I mean.
If that's how you interpret it, then I'd suggest it's your filters that lead you to that conclusion.

Yes, my filters definitely

Yes, my filters definitely color my interpretation. I'm not the only one who interpreted it that way, though. I was simply trying to say that I didn't see how that was helping or going to leave the OP open to your advice, which I don't necessarily disagree with. I would say, though, that if it was ok for you to fill in when your husband had to work, why is it not ok for others to do so in their situations when it works for them? I'm just asking and if you read that as I'm blowing it up, that's on your filters.

I don't think it's wrong, per

I don't think it's wrong, per se, but I also think I haven't found a single SM on this site who has come even close to living what I've lived.
Matter of fact, I have been repeatedly told that I'm lying when I say I love my SD like my bios and how that's impossible.

I don't adhere to much of what is preached on here. I think it makes a recipe for disaster and broken relationships.

The OP is posting because what they're doing isn't working. Arguably, SM has been taking "some" of DH's duties, indicated by attending conferences without him. Again, it's not working, so it stands to reason that something should change to realize a different result.
Perhaps SD wants to know her father is actually every bit (if not more!!) invested in her life as her SM is. That's not an unreasonable wish for SD, either. That won't happen as long as SM is "pinch hitting" for DH.

StickAFork, this is what you

StickAFork, this is what you said: "You are basically acting as a fill-in for her father, because, for whatever reasons, your DH can't be bothered to parent her himself. He's delegating it to you. That hurts SD and will cause her to feel like she isn't "worth" his effort and time."

I think that's what some people are bothered by. I've replied a bunch of times already, but their placement keeps changing. I've explained why DH didn't go to conferences. SD definitely knows her father is involved and that he loves her very much. He's actually more involved than BM. He's the one that takes her to all her appointments (dentist, doctor, counselor) whether it's our week or not. Part of why BM won't take SD to her appointments is because she can't afford the copays! $20! Plus, she owes lots of money to the dentist and ortho. (Just so you know: both BM and DH are supposed to provide medical/dental. Only DH does. Anything not covered by ins. is to be split 50/50 between DH and BM. Don't want anyone thinking that BM has to pay all the co-pays by herself.)

Because DH works 3rd shift

Because DH works 3rd shift and he wasn't able to sleep until late afternoon on that day. He had to work OT , so he didn't get home until 10 am. He was able to sleep for about 2-3 hrs before he picked up SD from school. When they got home, he went back to sleep. When I got home at 5:15, SD asked me if I'd take her. That was the one and only time he missed conferences.

I often do things that a BM

If its "stealing" (eyer roll) to take your skids cell phone away since her BM bought it, you can tell her she is not allowed to bring it to your house if her schoolwork is not turned in. You (and Your dh of course) have control in your house. You are helping to mold her into a responsible person. It sounds like she needs your help if her mom isn't equipped to help her. Yay for hands on SMs!

I often do things that a BM

I often do things that a BM would do for my skids bc my DH works a ton. He's trying to keep a roof over our heads, not avoid responsibilities for his kids. Sounds similar to yours.
I guess I'd find out if its legal for you to meet with her teachers with the student privacy laws and then I would ask for their advice. If not them, a child psychologist. I dont think you would need to bring your sd, but I would imagine with divorce rates being what they are a child psychologist deals with these challenges all the time and could have some solid practical suggestions for you. If you don't know a GOOD one already, ask around for recommendations from people who have had good experiences with their child psychologist. Finding a good one can be a big pain in the ass, so i really like recommendations through people's personal experiences when looking for a doc of any kind.

If its "stealing" (eye roll) to take your skids cell phone away since her BM bought it, you can tell her she is not allowed to bring it to your house if her schoolwork is not turned in. You (and Your dh of course) have control in your house. You are helping to mold her into a responsible person. It sounds like she needs your help if her mom isn't equipped to help her. Yay for hands on SMs!

Thanks for the eye roll! It's

Thanks for the eye roll! It's definitely not stealing. BM paid for it, but it is SD's phone. It would be different if it was BM's phone w/ all her contacts and pictures and she just let SD use it. If anyone still considers it stealing, look at it this way: if a grandparent bought something for the kid, then the parents couldn't take it away because the grandparents paid for it???? That doesn't make sense.

No, DH is not delegating to

No, DH is not delegating to me and I'm not a fill-in. DH is very involved and always has been. I check the school web site, but so does he. He is the one who mainly asks SD about her homework. I'd say he does it 99% of the time. Sometimes if he has to go into work early, he'll ask me to check w/ SD about her homework, but other than that - DH is the one monitoring the homework. Whenever we sit down and talk to her, DH does most of the talking. He's the parent and I'm his backup. The reason *I* am the one on here asking for help is because this is STEPtalk. This is the only web site I belong to, so I don't have anyone else to ask. I wish BM would step up, but she never will. She wants to be the friend, which means that DH is the one that has to be the bad guy and make her do her schoolwork.

I know! I do care about SD

I know! I do care about SD and her well-being, and DH is very appreciative. Together, we are a family. It may not be the family they started out with, but it's the family they have now.

Thank you anabihibik! The

Thank you anabihibik! The reason people are seeing a lot of "we" is because my husband and i ARE a "we." We are married, and we run this household together. DH is extremely helpful in every way. I do admit that I am the one who emailed the teachers last year (same problem), but that's only because DH can't type real well and he is frustrated w/ the whole homework thing. All of the teachers emailed me back. No one ever questioned me just being a step parent.

I will say that life is

I will say that life is easier with SS's mom when she doesn't see me in the picture. Yes, I am better at keeping track of a lot of things, but I stay behind the scenes. I don't go to conferences. I don't go to therapy. I don't talk to the teachers. DH does it. Sometimes we talk first and sometimes we don't. I do feel that me going to those things or doing those things outside of our house is disrespectful to her, so I don't do them - regardless of whether or not she does them. I do go to plays and awards ceremonies and other things SS asks me to - because that to me, is about him over her.

I got it. Not everyone does.

I got it. Not everyone does. I didn't the first time I was a SM. I was waaaaay more open to the idea the second time. I think if people were able to not assume what the intentions of mom were sometimes and not take a lot of things so personally and put themselves in mom's shoes a little bit, they may get it a little more. Sometimes, people aren't able to do that for whatever reason, yet. Sometimes, I think people are more stuck on being "right" about everything or feeling like they are more important in a situation. But, SS's mom didn't have a kid with me. She doesn't have to talk to me. She never asked me to be part of the equation. Sure, she left the door open when she cheated on DH, but she didn't ask for me to part of the equation. And, I'll give her credit - she never tried to push her exbf on SS as a parent. We parent SS in our home together because that works for us. Publicly, DH handles it.

What is wrong with an almost

What is wrong with an almost 14 year old that does not understand the importance of turning in assignments? Especially when they have been done.

I can understand when 7 year olds do this sort of thing, but a young teen surely can comprehend the consequences of failing. Is something wrong with her developmentally? If she couldn't do the work it would be one thing but just not even bothering to turn it in is really strange.

Unless she is really developmentally challenged I'd be in favor of letting her fail. Much better to happen now rather than in high school or college. Does she not get that she is control over her future?

"I can understand when 7 year

"I can understand when 7 year olds do this sort of thing, but a young teen surely can comprehend the consequences of failing."

Exactly! That's what I'm trying to figure out. She is not developmentally challenged at all. She struggles with Algebra, but when she does her work in the other classes, she gets all A's and B's! It doesn't make sense. DH thinks it's because she's just lazy and doesn't feel like putting in the effort. I think it's because she's a little flaky and also because she has too many distractions (phone, computer, etc.). That's why we're taking away her electronics if she misses any work. Part of me thinks she needs to fail too, but as I stated above - that just means we'd have to deal w/ BM for another year! DH and I can't wait to be done w/ BM.

"Does she not get that she is control over her future?"

Good question. When she's w/ us, she seems to understand, but then she goes to BM's and she sees how BM lives. BM is so irresponsible, but her parents take care of her. I think SD sees that it doesn't matter if you work hard or not, because there will always be someone to sponge off of. We tell SD that if she doesn't do her homework, it doesn't affect the teachers. They get paid the same. It doesn't affect her mom. It doesn't affect us (even though it does because we're the ones dealing w/ it). We tell her that it affects HER. Any other ideas?????

I'm in a similar situation.

I'm in a similar situation. SS is 10, spends three nights in two weeks at his mom's and 4 afternoons in two weeks at his mom's. Homework does not occur at his other home. It is his responsibility to do it. If it isn't done, then he doesn't do fun stuff. He wanted to go to a superbowl party at our friends' house. His homework and chores had to be done. He wants to have a sleepover with his friend. His homework and chores have to be done. Those are his choices. He wants to have movie night. His homework and chores have to be done. I took his tablet away yesterday because his dad told him to go take a shower and 20 min later, he's sitting in his room playing a video game on his tablet. A tablet that his mother purchased for him for Christmas that he has been warned that if it becomes a distraction and he chooses to bring it here, he runs the risk of losing it, and if that becomes a constant pattern, he loses it permanently. If his mom doesn't want him to lose it, then she should ask before sending that stuff in this house because she doesn't get a say on how SS is parented in this house - just like DH doesn't get a say on the lack of homework, bathing, and brushing his teeth that goes on over there. Unfortunately, SS is probably going to learn the hard way at some point with something big that he wants or wants to do as a teenager that he has to learn to take responsibility for himself. My gut feeling says the next dentist check is going to be expensive for cavities. He knows there is no budget for cavities AND summer camp. If he had cavities and was brushing his teeth, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. I'd be willing to work a little OT to make it happen. DH works with SS's teachers and the school counselor and SS's therapist on this responsibility issue. DH also presents the info to SS about his choices and their consequences. I help with the follow through, and we talk about how it will be handled together privately beforehand. Works pretty well. There is a lot more homework getting done, grades are better, and chores are getting done. The personal hygiene thing will come eventually, I think.

Thanks for the input. Last

Thanks for the input. Last year, when we had this problem, BM told SD that she'd hire a tutor for her. But the thing was - she could do the work! She just chose not to. When she does what she's supposed to, she gets all A's and B's. I've read that just like kids don't want to appear dumb, they also don't want to appear too smart. It's not cool to do homework, so maybe that's part of it.

OP, I stated before... I did

OP, I stated before... I did this for my SD. Only, really, I DID "take over" XH's duties when it came to SD... mostly because he worked 70ish hours a week back then to support everyone, and I actually loved then/love now my SD.
However, I believe my situation is not the norm, and you will face struggles. SD "should" be responsible enough for her own assignments. As tempting as it is to blame BM here, SD needs to step it up on her own. She needs consequences for not turning her homework in, which it sounds like you've arranged (the loss of phone/Kindle.) If SD struggles/fails, that will be her cross to bear, as sucky as that is.

All I'm trying to say is that it will be much smoother if your SD sees your DH as the "controlling force" in this and not you.

We've told SD that it's HER

We've told SD that it's HER responsibility to do her work. Not ours. Not BM's. Not the teachers. We really try to stress how she needs to be more responsible in all aspects of her life. DH and I stress it a lot because we're afraid she will turn out like BM. We don't tell SD this of course. It's just something DH and I worry about in private. Things seem to sink in, but when she goes back to BM's, we're back to square one. We don't know how to make it stick!

The way we do things in our household is that DH does the discipling and I am his backup. We usually talk about things in private, and then we talk to SD together. He does most of the talking, but I chime in too.

I hated the eighth grade, for

I hated the eighth grade, for all my kids, biological and skids, made no difference. The fourth and the eighth grades were horrible for us...I shutter at the thought. God love the teachers that have to work with those heathens every day!..Of course, I am quite a bit older, so in my day the teacher threw you up against the wall and told you to get your shit together, then your parents threw you up against the wall for getting thrown up against the wall at school..different times,....but I digress..

If it means anything at all to you both, all my kids got better. In my opinion you would much rather have the difficulty now then in HS.

I know I say this all the time, but is there a Boys and Girls Club in your areas? They have good programs, art, homework help, athletics, and the cost is minimal. Three of my kids (2 bio and one step) were enrolled in B&GC against their will. All 3 went on to love it, became JR. staff members and began getting involved with the activities. Two of my adult children continue their support there and volunteer to this day. It is one option.

With my stepson, we took him to the HS when he was in eighth grade. We set an appointment with the counselor, took a tour, and he explained to my son about the credit system and not being able to graduate until you have reached the number of credits to graduate. You fluff off in ninth grade? You will more than likely be working your butt off in Jr. and Sr. year..It's all on you type thing..

You can only control what goes on in your own home, so I would not bother even thinking of the bm. All of that is irrelevant and causes more stress. Give the teacher the Kindle to lock up for you. When she begins to show progress and turns in her work, the teacher can let you know when it is ready to be returned.

Now, I am only throwing this out there, because my DH did it with his daughter in the eighth grade, and it worked quite well. (she is actually a teacher today). DH contacted the teacher(s) directly in the classes in which she was not turning in her work. He took a day off of work, and one day when she walked into class, DH was sitting there. He told her he had to find out why she was not turning in the work. He concluded it most definitely was not the teacher, and that her instructions were quite clear. He told her he would go in at will again if there continued to be a problem...It worked wonders. She was a tad embarrassed, but she got over it quickly. He only went in the one day, and went with her to three classes.

silentnites: You're 1st

silentnites: You're 1st paragraph had me laughing. We don't have a Boys and Girls Club in our area. We told SD the same thing - that one of us would go to school w/ her if we had to. We told her that last year, and we told her the same thing tonight. Last year, I picked her up from school one day and actually went in and talked to her teacher. I think that made SD realize we meant business. DH brings her to school every day, and he told her he'll walk in w/ her and go to her classes if he has to. He'll do it too.

This really is NOT unusual -

This really is NOT unusual - a lot of kids do the same thing. My oldest did it - he actually DID the homework, but didn't bother to turn it in. What they often don't understand is that, while homework is frequently a small part of the overall grade, consistently not doing/turning it in will really affect their grade. I made sure to have regular conversations with mine to reinforce that his grades in MS would affect his choices in HS, which would affect his choices for college. I also met with his teachers/gc (along with him) and we came up with a plan to help him get back on track. No punishment was involved, or needed.

One of the problems with tying the school website in to punishment is that a lot of teachers do not update those pages regularly. Some do it religiously, while others do it right at the end of the MP/term.

My opinion of this whole

My opinion of this whole situation is to let them fail. 14 is well old enough to know the consequences of missing assignments. My ex went through this with my daughter in 8th grade at age 13. He simply told her that it was her responsibility to not only do the work but turn it in on time or she'll fail.

She's a freshman in high school now and knows the importance of turning in her completed work to get credit for it so she can go on to the next grade with her friends. He stopped hovering over her and let her get the failing grades and when she saw herself that she was in danger of having to stay in middle school instead of going on to high school with her friends, she took the initiative herself to do her work and turn it in on time.

My parents gave us (my younger brother and I) chores to do as young as 10. Homework was a given. You did homework before you were allowed to do ANYTHING else and if it wasn't done by the time they got home from work, you were grounded for the night. Period. After being grounded several nights in a row and missing out on the fun stuff the neighborhood kids were doing, we got it.

There is something to be said

There is something to be said for allowing the child to fail. And if we're talking one class, in 8th or 9th grade? May be the way to go. My youngest failed Stats her freshman year. Was a bit of a shock to her that they didn't forget about it, and she had to take it online spring of her senior year. Taught her a lesson though - she's been on track in college.

And my son? While he didn't fail anything, he did get some lower grades than he should have due to the homework situation. And that DID affect his options after. However, he ended up where he should have been anyway - he's thriving. But he told me the spring of his senior year "Ya know, Mom... You were right. And I wish I'd listened to you then."

^^I agree. My daughter is

^^I agree. My daughter is having a hard time in algebra and likely won't pass it this year. Her teacher did say she could make it up in summer school online (since she'll be here in Colorado for summer) so she's elected to do that.

As for how her father handled her not turning in homework when she was in 8th grade: at first he was all over her, punishing her, grounding her, hovering over her, turning shit in FOR her. Then he was like "guess if you don't do what you're supposed to do, you'll suffer the consequences and not move on to the next grade with your friends". That did the trick. She got one failing grade, her teachers said she may be held back if she got another and that put the fear into her. She then wised up and started turning stuff in and also asked Dad for a math tutor. He never obliged though which is why she's having such a hard time now in algebra. I get it, I failed algebra my freshman year too. It's not easy for some kids to grasp. So in that manner, I would've gotten her the tutor, as she's shown effort and has been turning in her work and still needs a hand with one subject.

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