SD12 and SD9 Lying about me - BM sits in front of house
Hi, I'm new. I feel like I'm in AA...
I dated my DH for 5 years, engaged with his 2 girls and my 2 boys (all around the same ages) for 4 yrs. Married April of 2012.
Everything was fine. I work from home, and am here when kids get home from school. Boys live with us during school year, girls are on every-other-week schedule.
Learned before marriage that SD9 was looking at porn on the internet when she was 6. SD12 was cheating at games when I met her, so SD8 or so. Issues I think stem from when bio parents were together - before me. So, adding a blended family probably amplifies the behavior I see now. Bio parents fight, BM sits in front of house, yells at DH in front of their girls, etc. Took 37 emails in 1 month to figure out how to do Christmas break and they still could not reach agreement even with parenting plan.
SD12 and SD9 are in counseling. SD12 says I'm mean (never was before) and SD9 says she loves me. They told the counselor yesterday I went to a bakery and bought something for everyone except SD12 and that SD9 had to buy it - crap like that regarding me. All untrue, but when they see me, they want me to take them places and get them things, spend time with me, like "normal" kids do and push for stuff.
BM is very jealous. She cheated on DH during their marriage, had bulemia, etc., hasn't worked since she married DH. After the cheating, they separated, DH met me and he finalized divorce. We got engaged 2 years later. BM got half of everything he owned, still doesn't work, and spends all her time focusing on us.
BM wanted more money after the divorce to "watch their kids", and when DH refused, she decided on a 50/50 parenting plan without going to court. DH didn't go either, and realizes his mistake there. Even though child support and spousal gets paid on time, she wanted more money and said he was "subsidizing" day care with her.
BM would not watch a sick child on "her week", or take them to dental surgery, etc. Lots of examples.
BM has come to our house and threatened DH on a few occasions. BM doesn't want her girls to see/hear from her mother and demanded we give her packages sent to our house from GrandBM. We have since gotten lawyers and have apptments set via the court.
Here is my question(s):
* I have made it clear I'm not replacing BM. Don't want to. Trying to be "aunt-like". Are the girls turning on me out of loyalty to BM? BM is filling their heads to the point SD12 does not want to be alone with me after talking to her, but has no issue being alone with me when she is here with us.
* I discuss issues with DH and he is trying. I lost my cool after I conveyed the girls do not have any responsibility to DH, and I know it hurts. SDKs have told their Dad they did not get what they want for their birthdays, BM did nothing, but SDKs still bring up in front of counselor. No one disciplines the SKs, BM cleans their rooms, etc. cuz she's OCD. I don't discipline them, but do call them out on the crap. DH does it to my boys and they don't act stupid. Could all this crap stem from BM? And the girls just don't know what to do or say cause they are caught in the middle?
I don't want to be around them, don't trust them, certainly not BM, and marriage is strained. My boys ignore stuff and I keep them busy. We do a lot of family things together, don't speak ill of BM, but I'm not sure how to handle this.
Any ideas appreciated.
Sorry for the rant, never really got it out before til now.
Thanks.
Hi, thanks, I will have the
Hi, thanks, I will have the camera ready for sure.
What is "PASing"? Is that Parent Alienation syndrome?
Thanks!
I cut BM out of my life. I am
I cut BM out of my life. I am new here to and have been married just a bit longer than you OP, and have been with DH 3 years total. She no longer contacts me, does not have my number, I do not see her or speak to her at all. DH, on the other hand is a different story. No matter how I try to make him see that it is unhealthy and totally unnecessary for him to communicate with her at all unless it is an emergency situation, he still does it. I have tried to tell him to go by the court order, if it is not in it, don't deviate, which would in turn, cause the need for all the communication to cease. If you are not constantly changing things, then you don't need to talk. BM does it just to irritate me, since she can no longer drive me nuts directly. DH does it because he has no balls and wants to keep her happy so they don't go back to court. All the while making his wife hate him.
I sent an email first to BM
I sent an email first to BM when she threatened to not let the SDs have an extracurricular activity (she uses their girls agains DH). Although it was a nice email, she went after me and told me I was out of bounds. I live with the SDs 50% of the time and take them everywhere. I responded going over some facts and that we'd see her in mediation. She's ignored me ever since I stepped onto the front porch when I heard her threaten my DH. She shut up when I came out and threatened to call the police.
DH handles all communications with BM, and we have gone around about limiting communication. I agree with the other poster about emergency-only communication. It is a hard habit to break, but I think we are making progress.
The SDs counselor wants me to come see him. I am glad because I'm going to say a lot - but calmly. BM is no doubt freaking out about that, too.
Good.
Oh man is this ever a HUGE
Oh man is this ever a HUGE issue for me. I love what you said, "The only time to engage with an ex is if a child is on his/her way to the hospital." I have told my DH this COUNTLESS times. Unless SS is violently ill, has a broken bone, missing, something DRASTICALLY important, he should NEVER speak to BM. When SS is wth BM, DH should not call every night to talk to SS. When SS is with DH, BM should not call every night to talk to SS. It is BULLSHIT. DH should not have to chit chat with BM EVER and vice versa. They are not friends, and when it is their time it should be just that, THEIR time, and the other parent needs to leave them alone.
This, "Ahhhh...now doesnt that sound great. When you get down to the nitty gritty of it, the question of the year is "Explain to me why ex's have to engage" IF everyone is doing their level best to care for the kids when they have them why must their be so much back and forth?" is a question I have asked so many times, WHY, give me one good damn reason why, and there never is one, but the BULLSHIT never stops.