My DH and I have been together for five years, married for almost two. He divorced his ex six years before we met and obtained full custody of his two DD's. We began living together within months of meeting, we just knew this was it for both of us. Things were great. Both SD's and I got along very well, my DS and DD loved thier new siblings and their bonus dad. Then the BM gets a wild hair and begins to cause issues. She get's oldest SD kicked out for a slew of reasons within a year. Of course I was to blame, in their minds. Then other SD moves out within another year bc BM says its ok (all the while my DH and I are thinking things are great with us). My MIL passes and I find out that the younger SD hates me, can't stand the sight of me, and this was the kid that was calling me Mom for almost two years. BM had nothing to do with the SD's until I came into the picture, no I am not the first person he had dated either but it may have something to do with me being 16 years younger. BM did not see them except sporadically even though they live 10 min from each other. She would give them Christmas gifts but not get up to watch them open them, same on bdays. She would start a fight with SD's on all holidays and special events. She couldn't be bothered to attend any functions unless they served beer (younger SD was on a swim team and they had beer at the home events which BM would attend). Well, after fixing things with the older SD before my MIL's death I tried to fix things with the younger after my MIL's death but SD wouldn't talk to me. After over a year of no contact we find out she is pregnant with our first grand. The last couple of months have been wild. I have gotten my SD to not only talk to me but to tell me she was wrong and being stupid when she was so cruel to me. She and I have a much better relationship now. She tells me she loves me again which just melts me. Finally we have what we had when we first got together, our family together and loving each other.
My only thing is, SD lives with BM who is still crazy as heck! She got angry and started talking all kinds of crap about me and DH to SD when BM saw us buying stuff for the baby. DH and I do pretty well, BM doesn't. SD works at Waffle House so she isn't making a lot. The daddy just got a new job making min wage but it is a good job that he will grow with. We know money is tight and we are just trying to help out. We bought a baby swing and the BM was so mad she said it was crap. We got her a used crib and the BM asked why we are too cheap to get the mattress. I bought the baby clothes and the BM asked why I was buying winter stuff (we all know why). There is more but I am sure you get it.
I don't want to cause my SD any issues, I just really want to help her with the big stuff and be there for any advice she may want. Her BM is scaring her about the delivery, telling her horror stories because her first baby wasn't an easy one. I am trying to be a good SM and not say anything negative about BM but it is hard to watch a child get scared like that and not want to slap the culprit.
My whole issue is with the BM, how to deal with her and her antics that will come at the baby shower and on delivery day and about what the baby will call me. I would love for the baby to call me something that refers to a grandmother but just in another language. I have a few picked out but I am not really sure how to approach this with SD or if I just shouldn't. I do feel like my SD's mom in a lot of ways. I was the only "mother" she ever really had for a long time. Even though she lives with her BM she doesn't care for her because SD know's BM caused a lot of the problems we had with each other. I am a young grandmother too so I am not sure how this will be looked at by my SD. My DH keeps calling me grandma and my SD has not corrected him at all.