When her lies involve me, should I say anything?
Like most children, especially children of divorce, my husband's daughter plays her parents against each other from time to time.
She tells little lies about each parent in order to excuse her not practicing her piano, not doing her homework, getting extra lunches at school, etc. My husband has addressed it directly with her many times, but it continues to happen. To a certain extent it's normal kid stuff, but I am concerned because it's been going on for years.
Her latest lie involves me. She did poorly on her homework the last time she was with us. My husband got an email from his former wife demanding that we get involved. She said her daughter told her that we never help her. That is a lie.
Schoolwork is one of the areas where my husband has asked for my support. For the past two years, I have helped his daughter with her homework. We spend 30 minutes with her on it every night.
The difference is that we don't give her the answers like her mom does. We guide her to find the answers herself, and we require that she take responsibility for her own work. This frustrates her, hence the lie.
I'm inclined to not say anything to her and let my husband handle it, even though she included me in her lie to her mom.
What would you do?
SB, you're right. There are
SB, you're right. There are two problems here. One, my husband's former wife dictating, and two, his daughter lying.
I've committed myself to not getting involved with issues with my husband's former wife. That's his relationship to deal with. His relationship with his daughter is his to deal with, too, but when she lies about me I question whether or not to get involved.
I'm still learning toward not saying anything. My husband will deal with her in a mindful, direct way. Would you say anything?
SB, that is a great idea.
SB, that is a great idea. Thank you!
Thank you, CW, that is good
Thank you, CW, that is good advice. It seems a small thing, but since it is a pattern I want to address it. The lies will only get bigger!
I think I will tell her how disappointed I am in her and leave it at that. That will resonate.
My husband and I just talked about how I can take a step back with her homework. I agree with you that's a good idea. We have a plan that I think will work well for everyone. Thank you!
I am going through this now.
I am going through this now. The manipulating the lies. And HOMEWORK! Ughhh
My step children also want us to give them the annswers to all of the homework and cry and pout. These are middle school aged children and the lack of responsibility and accountability thier mother makes them have is appaling.
I too have been lied on andthey often tell their mother I refuse to help them and I don't wan to help them. See we have 2 so we both help one child an dif unsure we ask one another.
I still help with homework and our solution was easy I asked my Husband to ask his ex if she would rather them do all homework with he and of course the answer was no...so since its a no (they get their homework all on Monday for the entire week)We do it our way and you do it yours.
We still get complaints and I really don't care. As far as the lying that need to be addressed maybe by Dad, before it grows into something much bigger like it has for us.
SMof2, I'm sorry you're
SMof2, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, too! Part of navigating two homes is learning that people do things differently. My husband has made this clear to his daughter many times, in a positive way, as in "your mom and I will do some things the same and some things differently - you get the benefit of both!"
I think the problem stems from the fact that her mom would rather her daughter get 100% (and give her the answers) than sit through the pouting and require that - with our guidance - she figure things out for herself.
This is a very profound difference in our households, one that will only continue to cause tension.
Tanfiell, my husband's
Tanfiell, my husband's daughter is also 9, and we've had tears here too! She gets so frustrated because when her mom "helps" her with homework, it's so much easier and so much faster (her mom gives her the answers).
We handle it just like you do - we take the time to guide her through things she's struggling with. We ask that she apply what she's learning in school. We require that she take responsibility for her own work. We've explained that doing own research, puzzling through a problem that's giving her trouble, slowing down - it's all part of taking pride of ownership in her own work.
My hushand has had many, many conversations with her about this over the past two years. She knows what we're doing and why we're doing it. She's being disingenuous, pretending that she doesn't know that. She's lying saying that we don't help her. It's very frustrating.
Thanks, AnaR. I don't think
Thanks, AnaR. I don't think my husband will call his former wife on her intrusiveness, but that's not my relationship to manage. I've had to let that go. It's been a long, hard process for me (as you probably know!).
My husband agrees with you that he and I should sit down with his daughter for all those reasons. He will lead the conversation and discipline. My contribution will be to tell her how disappointed I am that she lied.
Hey everybody, what do you
Hey everybody, what do you think of this?
My husband just told me he wants to create some "experiential learning" for his daughter.
He's going to tell her what his former wife told him - that she told her mom we don't help her with her homework and that's a lie and lying is not okay. He's going to explain that we don't give her the answers, but we do guide and support her. He'll reiterate (he's explained this to her many, many times) why it's important that she take responsibility for her own work.
Then he'll tell her, "So you think we don't help you? Here's what no help looks like. This week, you're on your own. Manage your own time. I'm not going to remind you to do your homework, like I usually do. I'm not going to look over your shoulder as you puzzle through a problem that's giving you trouble, like I usually do. ChildlessSM is not going to check over your work, like she usually does. I'm not going to remind you to practice piano, like I usually do. It's your work. The responsibility - and the consequences - are yours."
We won't do this forever - just this week. He's not doing it in a retaliatory way but rather to make it really clear what our guidance feels like. Sure, it may not be what her mom does - sit with her and give her the answers - but we do spend a lot of time guiding and supporting her. We want her to be responsible and independent.
My husband believes it's very important that his daughter take pride of ownership in her work. That's not going to happen when her mom does her work for her. So it's up to us. And we won't change the way we do things in our home just because his daughter lies and manipulates and his former wife intrudes.
Thats good.
Thats good.
I had something similar
I had something similar happen to me where my SD9 told my DH that i refused to help her with homework. The problem is that i cant be sure that she actually said that bc her father was leaving to go workout and told her to do her homework while he was gone and if she needed help then ask me. She then asked me if i could let her talk to her dad alone so i said ok... Then when they were done talking my dh came to me and said he wants me to help her with her homework. But he said it in a way tht was almost like a demand. Like i am doing something wrong. I thought about it for a while and wondered what she said to him then i realized that about two weeks earlier i kept getting on her to clean her mess in the living room and she kept ignoring me and playing. Then she came to me and asked me to help her study. I said no bc u have not done what i asked u to do. Your father will help u study later AFTER u clean up the mess in the living room like i asked... So i think he told him about that. I dont keep anything from my husband but never mentioned that to him bc it was not a big deal. He helped her study later that day and the mess got cleaned up. But i wonder if she may have made it sound like i was being mean and just said "no!" But for whatever reason i never asked him what she said although im pretty sure thats what it was. She does that a lot. Thats why i always tell my hisband anything authoritive that i say to her so she cant ever try to make me look like the wicked step mother. Anyway. I wish i had said something to him so he could know the whole truth. And i wish he had asked me about it instead of just taking her word for it. I would say make sure your husband handles it and says everything that needs to be said and if he doesnt then u should say something. The kids try to put stuff on us and never have to take responsiblity.