Resenting my stepson...
My husband and I met 7 years ago. His son was 8 years old at the time, and lived with him full time. We got married in 2010, and welcomed our first son together in 2010. My SS has lived with us full time since we met. his mother is a deadbeat and she lives a few states away. sometimes he'll travel to visit her, but she never comes to him. My SS and I have always had a little bit of tension, but it seems to be getting way worse as he gets older. He's now 14. He never does anything around the house, unless we tell him to, or unless he wants something. He turns every little conversation in to an argument. He's doing horrible in school, and has been for years now. He was held back in 3rd grade, and he's teachers want to hold him back again, but say it probably won't help. No matter what we do, he doesn't change his ways! He says he has no homework, but his teachers say he's weeks behind on work. He says he's trying, but it's obvious he's just lying about it all!his teachers say he acts out in class, and often disrupts or doesn't pay attention. His father cares about his grades, but he hates conflict, so he always avoids talking to him about it, especially if I started the conversation. He always takes SS's side, and it just makes SS disrespect me even more. He thinks if Dad doesn't listen to her, why should I?! I've tried to tell my husband that we need to work together with him, and that he can't throw me under the bus in front of him, but again, he hates conflict, so he avoids my comments. Sometimes SS and I have really heated arguments, particularly because he turns everything into an argument, and sometimes when I've had enough, it turns nasty. It's pretty sad that I'm afraid for my life, not because he's threatened me, but because there's always a story about a stepchild who snaps on the stepparent. I'm currently pregnant with our 2nd child together. I know he resents me, and he always runs to my husbands parents to complain about me and tell them what a b**** I am. No one would understand unless they were in this situation, so I'm hoping for some feedback from all of you. Unfortunately, I've always resented my SS for being in my life, which is selfish of me, but I'm not afraid to admit it. I chose his father, which means I chose him too, but I wish he would just respect me more and stop with the arguments! The worst part is when my husband disagrees with what I'm saying. For example: today, I told SS I needed the scissors back, and he threw them onto the couch towards me ( he was about 8 ft away). They landed pointy side down on my exposed ipad. I flipped out and told him he should never throw scissors like that. His father was right there, and said " he just tossed them, what's the big deal?" The argument escalated, and my husband sided with my SS. I asked what he would have done if it was HIS laptop that he threw them onto, and he said he'd be mad, but he didn't throw them. UGH! Don't toss, throw, etc. scissors, ever! We have a toddler in the house! Sometimes I just want to divorce my Dh just to get away from SS, but we have our biological children together, and I'd never break that up to benefit myself. I love my husband, but I just wish he would work with me more! Help!
The correct way to hand over
The correct way to hand over scissors, or any sharp implements, is handle side towards the person you are giving them to. It goes back centuries to indicate no malice or intent to harm. It is a big deal, you were just insulted and undermined. You cannot expect a child to understand such an ancient custom but his father should show him the 'correct' way to hand over sharp items at the very least.
I'd have chat with DH and let him know that you are coming from a place of concern, take some pepto bismol right beforehand if you think you might wretch on the words? Stay as calm and matter of fact as you can too, state facts that he cannot argue against or dispute you. Ask what ''we'' should do about the situations as and when they arise. Suggest staging things in so it's not such a complete shock to the boy, less rebellion. I found that asking the SKids questions made them think about stuff, a sense of humor too. Positive reinforcement with a child seems to be the way to go these days, punishments are old hat?! I despair, LOL, it's madness and I would not like to be raising a child in these bleeding heart, wishy washy, liberal days.
In front of your husband, get the boy to sit where you were sitting and then toss a pair of scissors towards the boy...obviously aiming wide so's not to injur him. See what reaction your DH has? Betcha it's 'hey...watch what you are doing with the scissors!'
Totally agree with giveitago,
Totally agree with giveitago, even down to the see how he likes it with the scissors. Actually, maybe you should try undermining him a bit, and see how DH likes it. It may mean you have to let some things go for awhile, but let DH wear the a@##$$ shoe for awhile.
Honestly, it worked for me. I got tired of being the one who noticed , and pointed out bad behavior. I started just saying, hey, SS said this, or did this. And shrugged my shoulders. (very hard to say it non chalantly)
In the last year, it has switched around, and I rarely have to say much. And if I do, I don't say it in front of SS. I wonder sometimes if SO gets more defensive of SS while in front of him, or because he feels like I am not letting him be the parent he thinks he is.. but when it goes down in front off SS, it seems to escalate, and I'm always the bad guy. Dunno.
But its a slow process. DH may have to lose an iPad or two before he starts actually putting his foot down.
You are trying to rationalize
You are trying to rationalize with an irrational hormonal angry teenager. Ive learned along the way to be VERY specific in what I want them to do or not do. (although I have my problems with them in other ways) Next time, instead of flipping out after the fact, word your request in a very specific way. "Can you please pick up the scissors and bring them over to me?" Usually the kids mindlessly just do that. I also find that if I see a cup, a spoon, dirty socks and sneakers laying downstairs where he left them, I will ask him to please get his cup, spoon and put it in the dishwasher and his dirty socks in the laundry and his sneakers in his room. If I say "pick up your stuff" he'll leave 1/2 of it there. Its really aggravating to have to be so specific in my requests, but it works.
My DH hates conflict also, not that he sides with the kids, my requests are usually pretty basic things that the kids can't argue, neither can DH, but DH won't ask him to pick up his stuff. Or he'll tell him to pick up his stuff, never follow up on whether he did or not, then I'm left to pick it up 3 days later when it's 'invisible' to everyone but me. (Amazing how that works huh?)