New Girl wants to know ... Peace & Quiet ?
Hi everyone I am new here !!!
I am glad to find this site bc noone I go to for advice EVER tells me anything, besides 'wow that must be hard'. Puzzled Neither of my mothers, my friends, noone seems to be in a similar situation or capable of giving me advice.
I think you guys are the solution to an array of problems so thanks in advance for reading this essay. The sad part is it is very condensed version of what I am going through smh 
The reason I came to this site is bc of a recent occurrence with my SO and his BM. She is attempting to limit his visitation rights (she seems to be a bit confused about the way weekend custody works and is upset because SO will not let her have weekends whenever she wants). My SO decides he wants to fight for custody... and I support him, however after considering what this means for me and my future I am no longer so sure. Currently we live with his mother and when SD is over the grandmother does most of the upbringing. I plan to move out in 3 years, and my SO wants to move out with me (though he has lived with his mother all 28 years of his life) I have never debased him for living with his mother, or for allowing her to be the main up bringer for the child. I came in the situation it is not my place to change anything.
However, if he does want full custody, he will NOT be moving out with me. I have not told him this yet, and feel that it is very non-supportive. As a 22, 23 year old I do not want to have the responsibility that upbringing a then 9 year old child will be. And I know my SO will tell me he will do it, but I have lived with him and his mother for 3 years and I am aware of his shortcomings when it comes to child rearing. I understand that she will be older, and more capable, however I am still afraid that I will be left with responsibilities that I do not want and that can
cause a burden in our relationship. I know I made a commitment to him, and his daughter... however I never made a commitment to raise a child.
The situation is tentative, he may not get full custody (though I try not to be pessimistic the BM is a bruja and needs not raise any children).
Should I even tell him my concern, or my desire to leave alone if SD does become his full time child, or should I wait till the court date in April and address it then ? (I fear by then my resentment for this situation might manifest into dislike and discomfort with him/SD ... I am trying to fight the bit of discomfort I have with SD now...and holding this in wont help)
Thanks guys in advance !
I am of the thinking that my
I am of the thinking that my children and I are a package deal, and the same with my dh. Currently my ss lives with his mother most of the time, but god forbid something ever happen that she was unable to care for him, I would be the with arms open. You never know what the future holds, whether he does get custody or not this time. I think you need to talk to him, but be prepared for whatever you might get back, I know that I would be showing my dh the door, and maybe you need to hold ur feelings in until you are prepared for this to happen. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he was going to tell you this?
I think, as a person as young
I think, as a person as young as you, you don't really know what you truly want out of life--and that is something you need to figure out before you make a commitment to him. Yeah, it sounds nonsupportive, but you have a right to decide what you want or do not want in your life. Unfortunately, so does he. If your SO ends up having full custody (which the chances of that happening are slim to none--unless the mother chooses to give up her custody willingly) then at that point, they are a fixed package, and it might be better to let you SO know what you are and are not willing to have earlier rather than later.
It sounds like you're a really nice girl, and you'd feel guilty about it since if he doesn't go for it, then you'll feel like you swayed his answer. If that's the case, I'd leave and give him some other excuse. It's better to hurt a little now than to be miserable in the future.
However, if, like me, you're the wait and see kind. Then set some ground rules with your SO first, before he gets joint, what you expect him to be as a parent, and as a partner, before you guys even move in together. Whether or not you continue to have a relationship, he needs to understand, will be contingent on the kind of parent he is--not a disney parent.
So read a bit more on here and find the common issues most people have with the father as a parent, and tell you SO which ones he better avoid if he wishes to have you in his life.
I guarantee your relationship will be a little smoother than the rest of ours.
(Or not, he could end up being a ostrich douche who won't listen because he thinks he knows best, but it's worth a shot if you think he's worth it.)
Thanks that was great
Thanks that was great advice.. perhaps I will show him the site and you are right I will feel guilty if his decision is swayed bc of me, also bc I know his mother (the grandmother) wants him to have custod. The BM has been hitting the child idk if that is enough for him to get custody ???
I would not just assume he
I would not just assume he was cool and I would ask him first before going for custody. The thing is he did not ask me, or even ask how I feel. He just assumed it was cool....
You are right about alot of
You are right about alot of things. she does not give him much respect as a parent, cooks for him, dishes his food and was doing his laundry before I came in the picture... (still does most honestly) She now cooks for me, that is it but I doubt she looks at me as another child. However she would feel it is her business how I am raising this child and because they are traditional West Indian she would expect me to take charge ( I already expressed I have no desire to parent this young)
You share my assumption... I know if I have a child there will be some kind of issues. The SD has told me she would like for me to have a child (her angel moments) but the grandmother has told me she does not want me to have children, a sentiment I can understand bc it would just be HER having another child.
I expressed to him how I felt about him relying on his mother so much recently, and he is trying to make changes however it wont happen overnight and she is an overbearing mother by nature so she won't just let go. I think he does need to live on his own before considering parenting full-time. However if we move out and leave his child here with his grandmother that would insult the child.
Cheri , do you think I should express this to him, or wait until the court case ?
He appreciates me .. my fear
He appreciates me .. my fear is that can change. Thanks... i am still not sure about ruining our day but I would rather ruin one day then a whole bunch of years later
You are spot on Cheri! I
You are spot on Cheri!
I cannot emphasize enough that what Cheri said about him letting the woman do all the work now and will later, too...IS EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
I must add one more point...perhaps you get him trained to parent his own kid...he hasn't been parenting and really doesn't care to start...but he may for you. His idea of parenting will not be the same as yours. He is already doing the minimum now...he will always do the minimum. Sure HE may think he is parenting, but in your eyes it may be neglect...thus making you feel compelled to get involved...thus making you the new parent.
I don't foresee things working out with this guy...sorry.
I attempted to start up a
I attempted to start up a conversation on the subject by telling him that this change may not occur, and has he considered that it would affect my life as well.
He says he has....but idk
Ask him for concrete ideas on
Ask him for concrete ideas on how he thinks your life is going to change, then chuck a few of the ones he didn't think about and see what his reaction is. If he sticks his head in the sand and says "we'll deal with it when it comes," or "that'll never happen," or "you're overreacting" then that's a HUGE red flag.
Push him for solutions after saying "but what if it does happen?" for each of the scenarios. If he's willing to work on them with you and assuage your fears, then there's hope. If he isn't, well dear, I suggest you run faster than a rabbit with a coyote on it's tail.
See, there are a few things when it comes to a relationship that us young'uns (and some old'uns) are not so good with, especially the nice ones (and it's always the nice ones that get beaten down by this situation.) Your partner needs to respect both your goals AND your fears, and he should move towards helping you achieve your goals, and protecting you from your fears, even if they seem ridiculous to HIM. Just as you should do so for him. A problem arises when one partner is always the giver, and misery builds up for that one partner, often the woman in the case (maybe men too but they seem to more or less not talk about it as much).
Trust me, you have a long life ahead if you, don't waste it being miserable.
Another big red flag I see is
Another big red flag I see is that you say your BF has lived with his mother all 28 years of his life.
Mommy "cooks for him, dishes his food and was doing his laundry before I came in the picture... (still does most honestly)" :jawdrop:
Sorry to say, but your BF is a mama's boy. I made the mistake of marrying a man who had never lived on his own. He did not pick up after himself, expected me to cook like his mama did, and never did any housework.
Your gut is telling you that your BF is probably not going to parent his child. TRUST your gut. It's highly unlikely that he is going to wake up one day and start being a parent.
Like Cheri said - let your BF live on his own for a while BEFORE you move in with him. Regardless of whether he gets custody or not, let him prove that he can take care of himself and his child before you move in with him.
same boat as amber3902!! you
same boat as amber3902!! you will become his mums replacement, that includes all the housework chores, cooking and even parenting and entertaining the skids.My DH even went so far as compare my cooking and the amount of times I hoover etc(alot but i like a clean house) to how his mum does it...took its toll and I did snap and ask him 'does your mum f you better than me too?' LMAO!! very crude I know }:) but I had had enough!!
Having your own house is a lot different to living with mum, guys especially find this hard! I personally would not do it again because DH is still not house trained and its been 1.5 years, becasue that magic fairy always comes eventually, even if she's spitting flames at his ass lol!
'does your mum f you better
'does your mum f you better than me too?'
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OMG! Priceless!!