I guess it will always just be uphill
BM refuses to turn the TV off when DH calls to talk to the girls. She refuses to stop them from playing video games when he's on the phone.
She does not budge on times he's allowed to call/Skype with them.
She gives them the gifts/cards he sends weeks after he sends them .. pre-opened, with any pictures or "overly-sentimental" items removed.
She withholds any time she can get away with, despite DH's requests for as much time as can be managed.
She fights everything about him having a relationship with his kids.
And I guess it's just always going to be this way.
He's pursued every avenue he can think of to make a change, and nothing works. His laywer has been dragging her feet, and I'm frankly out of confidence in her. BM will be getting new orders soon (we're not sure she hasn't already); the basis of the modification filing DH wants to do .. but I'm not sure she'll even get around to it in enough time for it to matter.
He won't stop sending the
He won't stop sending the cards/gifts. He doesn't spend a lot of money on them, it's not a strain in that way. They do get the cards, they just don't get anything she doesn't want them to have (pictures, etc).
We don't expect her to change .. we expect his lawyer to be working a lot harder to help him change the situation ..
The issue isn't really that
The issue isn't really that he sends them gifts or cards. They do get most of what he sends. BM withholds pictures and things that are too sentimental (to her), but that is not the majority of things he sends.
And when I say "gifts", I
And when I say "gifts", I mean like a sheet of stickers, or a packet of temporary tattoos .. he's not sending them expensive gifts or packages every week.
Cards go out 1-2x every week .. usually with a small "gift" included. Holidays, birthdays, or other occassions usually warrant bigger packages.
Those are things like
Those are things like pictures, or notes from people other than him (from me, any other family member, neighbor kids, friends from school, etc).
He'll continue to send pictures .. but the notes will stop. No point in having people write them, or going to the trouble of collecting them, if they'll never see them. He keeps those in a box on their dresser now.
If they were your kids, would
If they were your kids, would you stop trying?
He's done a lot of research and it all says the same thing .. pictures from home are the best thing to send.
If BM doesn't give them to the kids, that's on her. If he stops trying, that's on him. He's got the proof that he's been trying to send them. And proof that she's been withholding them.
No, they don't live close
No, they don't live close enough to see him a few times a month. Fighting to get to see them is a whole separate battle he fights (even though his custody order is very clear on this issue).
He saw them for Christmas break; he will see them again in March.
*Duplicate post
*Duplicate post
I agree with step
I agree with step momma.in.hiding and will also add he should call his lawyer's office once a week to "keep on her" about trying to change this situation.
Yep .. he calls at least
Yep .. he calls at least weekly .. most weeks it's more.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your point.
He's been calling 2x a week for the past 4 weeks because she's supposed to be drafting a letter for him to send to BM regarding Spring Break.
That trip is supposed to happen the first week of March .. he's been trying to get the letter out to her for over a month. A letter that the lawyer recommend he send ..
So yes, she's not up to our standards .. but I don't think we're expecting miracles either.
The timing of switching attorneys now is just terrible
This is exactly my point!! I
This is exactly my point!! I just can't fathom a reason why she'd be dragging her feet.
He's got plenty of money still on retainer .. no outstanding bills at all.
He was asking for 2 weeks before the lawyer's paralegal told him that she was pulling his file for her today .. which made it sound like 2 weeks had gone by before she even looked at anything ..
Ugh .. I know a lawyer change is inevitable .. but the timing just really really sucks
He takes pictures of
He takes pictures of everything he sends before it goes out the door. He talks to them about it and lets them know what's coming (unless it's a surprise). He documents the day it gets mailed, and the day it's received by the kids. He also talks to them about what was in their packages (knowing they know what's coming).
SD5 has said several times, "Why does our crazy mailman keep opening our mail?"
He's careful to never directly blame BM or mention her name.
It takes its toll on him. He
It takes its toll on him. He never imagined BM would ever do anything like this. He never imagined he'd have to fight this hard just to be a part of his kids' lives.
He's not giving up anytime soon, but it's just so hard to keep on when his lawyer is pretty lackluster about everything. Maybe she gives good advice, but the lack of action just drives him up the wall.
We deal with a BM like
We deal with a BM like this.
Every gift DH sends, it's either "inappropriate" for SS's age (according to BM) so it gets thrown out (or I think secretly kept by BM for herself)--such as a velveteen stuffed animal plush that came with a book for children ages 0-6 was deemed "inappropriate." A pair of child Nikes that he has never worn but has now outgrown (for infants--it was a cute albeit useless gift, but it's the thought that counts.)
Or doesn't get acknowledged and either thrown out or kept by BM (she's a sick woman in love with DH) His heirloom quilt that he sent with his mom, no where in sight.
So when his mom requested he give his ukelele that a good friend of his gave to him before he passed away to SS, he said no, it'd just disappear.He had a huge fight with his mom over it, especially when she snuck into his apartment and tried to take it (so when he saw it in her house a few weeks later, he flipped.) H
e said he'd rather save it for our kid since at least then he knows where it is. The heirloom quilt issue really hurt him, since it was given to him by his nana who watched him for a majority of his young life, whom he loved a lot. Oh god just typing this is making me tear up because I have a sweater knitted by my grandma who I loved so much and who loved me so much and I would die if someone did that. It's probably the pregnancy hormones.
We stopped sending gifts, BUT we have a savings account for SS which should be a hefty amount by the time he's 18 (something like 25-30k) so he can either put a down payment on a car, apartment, or house, or use it for whatever. It's the most practical and only thing we can do for him.
You know what she and her lawyer responded with when he requested skype telecommunicating time? She said the only way she'd agree is if he'd buy her the computer/laptop and webcam and microphone.
I know it's the pregnancy hormones but damn, I can't stop the tears right now.
South Park is my favorite and
South Park is my favorite and I'm DYING to see new ones! I live about 90 minutes away from the real South Park, CO and LOVE it there. I go up there when I just need to get away and think. It's a very tiny town and not much to it, but there's just something about it I adore.
^^I almost named my cat
^^I almost named my cat Cartman, but my daughter named him Ninja first. DH will look at him and say "you're so fat" and I say "he's not fat, he's big boned" in a Cartman-style voice!
"SD5 has said several times,
"SD5 has said several times, "Why does our crazy mailman keep opening our mail?"
He's careful to never directly blame BM or mention her name."
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Back when me and my exBF were dating, his BM got mad at him one time and told him that he could not see his son that Wednesday, although he always saw his son on Wednesdays evenings. At first BF was not going to say anything to his son, but I told him to tell his son and to tell him WHY he was not going to get to see his dad.
BF called his son, told him that he was not going to get to see him that Wednesday and it was because his mother was not going to allow it. SS was very upset, of course. They talked for a little while then got off the phone. Don't you know, about 30 minutes later, BM calls and says "I didn't say you couldn't see SS on Wednesdays." :jawdrop:
Actually, what had happened was SS had gone back to his mom and demanded to know from her why she was keeping him from seeing his dad. Fortunately, his questions were enough to shame BM into letting SS see his father. She claimed she never said BF couldn't see his son on Wednesdays, but we all know the truth.
OP, I don't know if this could work in your situation or not, but it's a suggestion. Maybe if DH starts telling skids that BM is the one taking the stuff out of the letters, they'll go and cry to their mom about it. Hopefully she'll be shamed enough to stop doing it. Even if she does it just to shut the kids up, it's worth a try, right? DH would only be stating the truth.
Yeah, I don't disagree with
Yeah, I don't disagree with you. This is such a fine line .. it's the balance between forcing BM into a tough situation and backing her into complying .. and involving the kids in a battle that they don't need to be involved in.
DH has told the skids about things we plan to do with them, particularly when BM is being shitty and threatening to withhold visitation (with no basis, as usual).
She has never explicitly told DH that she doesn't give the kids some of the things we send. At least not in writing. So if DH were to say something to the kids about HER, she could easily deny it and I'm afraid to think what that would look like in a court situation.
I know she withholds the stuff. DH knows. BM knows. Does it really help or hurt to tell a 5yo and 6yo too?
Yeah, it's a fine line. I
Yeah, it's a fine line. I would only do it if you think it would shame BM into not doing it anymore. The idea is DH tells the kids, the kids run to BM,
"Mommy, mommy, why did you throw away the stickers daddy sent us?"
And how bad could it look in court? DH says "Your honor, I asked the kids did they get the stickers I sent them? When they said no, I told them to ask their mom, since SHE'S the one that opens their mail." with the biggest innocent look on his face. }:)
DH will smell like roses while BM's parent alienating tactics will be exposed.
Only reason I would not do it is if you think she would snap at the kids or something like that.
What if dh asks bm about the
What if dh asks bm about the opened letter in an email? Just casually say " hey the girls have mentioned a few times that my packages have arrived open and stuff that I sent has come up missing. Are you guys having issues with the post office down there, should I start sending things through FedEx? " see how she responds.
He has asked her. She
He has asked her. She doesn't deny opening the mail (she claims it's her house and she has every right to monitor what her kids are exposed to). She's told him that she won't give them cards in my hand-writing because it's insulting to her (I've sent one for SD5's birthday).
Anything else and she either claims to not know or ignores his questions.
So sorry You guy seem to
So sorry
You guy seem to bend over backwards to do everything right and just keep getting shit on