Having Adult SKs and adding your own kids with dh to the situation
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As some of you might know, dh and I are contemplating adopting a child.
I was wondering what behavior is reasonable to expect from adult skids towards children we have with our DHs. Should they be close? How should they act towards each other?
Because of the age difference I do not think they have to be bffs, or even friends at all, but should treat each other respectfully, make friendly conversation with them, ask Dad and SM how each is doing, etc. I read about so many adult sks being rude to their younger half siblings. I don't think adult skids should have to be close with them but should still treat them respectfully.
I do not have children with
I do not have children with DH as we married way too late for that.
But I've watched many of my friends have children with divorced dads. Pretty normal relationships all around. I doubt if any of them would have been here venting - but the "older" kids and the "younger" kids have virtually nothing to do with each other now that they are all adults.
I'm sure there are many instances where there is a close bond - but I don't know of any.
Now they all get along when they are at a family event where all are invited but they don't call each other and spend time together. More like a distant cousin relationship.
In my first marriage my SS
In my first marriage my SS was 5 years younger than me. By the time my now exH and i got married, his son was already married and on his own in a different country. He proved to be a great big brother to my boys - given that he sees them very infrequently. They adore him, he spoils them... no hard feelings, a very positive happy relationship. Mind you, he has two kids of his own and is on his second marriage. But he just always struck me as a very secure, mature, psychologically healthy guy. These days he is also incredibly successful, so my kids look up to him a lot.
Their half-sister who was a teen when they were born has always been cold to them and barely acknoweldges them now ( little beyond Happy Birthday! on Facebook once a year). They have no feelings for her or her kids. She was troubled when younger and fell in with a weird cult for a while, so i guess having half-brothers was the least of her worries.
So a lot depends on the cast of characters. I have to say that their BM was a class act and very nice towards my kids. I miss her now that i have to deal with the psycho my DH's ex is...
^^ My situation too
We are far from both siblings now. My guess is that it will be like a distant cousin relationship. Age difference, distance and lack of effort make it unlikely they'll have much of a relationship.
I appreciated ss's interest in my son though. It's sad that rest of family (inc his wife) made my life so difficult. I have no intention of making efforts to get them (my son) together and DHs family rely on MIL as a conductor for relationships. Without her family gatherings, I doubt any initiative will be taken.
Don't do this. Your husband
Don't do this. Your husband is too old to be starting a new family and may resent the pressure another kid put on him. What once was a nice retirement now becomes more of the same.
You may suffer from his resentment as well as the kid and it may very well end your marriage.
If me and my DH had a child
If me and my DH had a child together my SK'S would never treat he/she right. She would never be accepted they would mistreat her.It would be just like it is now.They would tell their dad to come see them but without your wifey and dont being that kid with with you either. That is just the kind of rotten hateful people they are. So glad we didnt want to have a child together.
My SO's ex is a bona fide
My SO's ex is a bona fide nutcase who thinks she should still consider having more kids - even though she is in her 50's! She likes to have boyfriends who are at least 20 or more years her junior; probably because she feels she has a better chance to procreate with them. What a joke.
In any case, as to OPs question, when BM starts yakking about having another baby (ridiculous and impossible though it is) SD22 evidently told her she is nuts. SD was also concerned about who would take care of any kid born now - since BM will be in her 70's when kid would be entering college.
So in our case, SD would not be welcoming of any new additions - even from her own mother. And especially if the bio father would be one of her mother's "flavors of the week."
That's not to say if a new kid cropped up she would be nasty - but she definitely wouldn't be welcoming of the situation.
DH three adult skids have
DH three adult skids have always resented our bios, not that DH would ever admit to it. DH was only forthcoming to me that he makes allowances for his 31 yr old son because of his depression, he employs him. Apparently he tried to take his own life at 18 the same year our bio son was born. I have always known SS has been extremely jealous with passive- aggresive put downs over the years. In an ideal world it would be great if half siblings got on, no fault of the younger ones but the older ones seem to think because daddies semen got away earlier that they are more important- not!!!
WELLLLL, from MY experience,
WELLLLL, from MY experience, all adult skids are boys except the 24yr old that has issues ( yup 7 sons 1 daughter) until we had OUR first a baby girl- now the 24 yr old is not the only "princess" and to our face and the baby's, (nice) but everywhere else in her life, she makes it so hard for herself and everyone else- she says she doesn't blame her parents divorce, when she was 15, but she does to others and "the fruit" she shows in her life. I am not trying to judge her for HER choices, because God knows of mine, but everyone shouldn't have to pay (even literally) for her choices... as for my first and only baby (girl) this is a scary time in this world and I can only hope and pray, that because she has 8 older half- siblings, they will love her, not "blame" or neglect her. It wasn't her fault she was brought into this messed up family/world!