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Non Stepparents giving stepparent advice

mannin's picture

Submitted by mannin on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 5:33pm

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General Discussion

I've been a stepparent since August last year and have actually been raising my SS for almost 2 years now. BM hasn't been in the picture for a year because she's a bitch who makes her kid sick due to neglect and ignorance. I have no bio kids of my own, but am currently trying for one.

BM has never paid child support and we've never asked for it because we're stable and she's a headache to deal with. My DH and BM broke up, but had one more encounter. He broke up with her because he knew she'd be the worst mother ever - and he was spot on. DH is an amazing father and actually parents. I'm really close to my SS too (I'm told I'm a small percentage where it works). I got the 'mom' part down, but dealing with the BM is making me twitchy.

After a year of not seeing her son, she filed paperwork seeking sole custody with no complaints about my DH. She messed up and actually signed over sole custody to my DH. In all the paperwork she has intentionally left me out of family members that can care for SS. The courts have dismissed her vindictiveness completely.

During proceedings she demanded the court make me do things like bring her son to her for visitations and communicate with her. I changed my number because after months of getting literally 20 texts every other day from her telling me I'm not her son's mother, blah, blah...I had had enough.

I've been the bigger person the whole time and will continue to do so. My DH told her she had no right to expect me to have any legal obligation in this since I have no legal rights. That pissed her off.

The thing in all of this that is getting more on my nerves is when people who don't have baby mama drama or skids, try to tell me how I should be doing things.

I'll ask people if they're stepparents... They say no... I say "so, you're talking out of your ass then?"

I've been told by non-stepparents that I should do as BM asks in order to keep her happy. But, her happiness isn't important to me or my DH. He fires back at these advice givers.

Wondering what other people have experienced. I wasn't intending for my post to be so long. Smile

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 5:38pm

People always try to impute their advice on others, especially when it comes to kids .. this site is no exception.

However, it is EXTREMELY frustrating when someone with no insight whatsoever into your situation tries to dictate what you should do.

Ignore them, walk away, tell them off. Whatever makes you feel better. But at the end of the day, you are the best judge on how to handle your situation. You live it everyday, so screw the haters and do your thing .. you're obviously doing a great job!!

momsome's picture

Submitted by momsome on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 5:46pm

hey there mannin...I am a SM of two SS for over 3 years now. I am also new to this site. I've found that sometimes the Bio moms on here can sometimes, sometimes give me advice from the BM side. It isnt always advice I want to hear but it does help, I have been taking care of my boys like they are mine and the BM has been a headache from the beginning and we have said all of 12 words to each other in those years. I can understand where you are coming from and I truly believe that even as SM we should have some rights not a lot but SOME RIGHTS depending on the years we've invested into being parents, but the only advice I can give you is. Weed out the advice there may come a time where the BM does something or says something and you just cant understand what the hell she is saying or what the hell she is thinking and sometimes it helps hearing from another Bio mom to kind of get it.....hope this helps!!...good luck!!

notagain2012's picture

Submitted by notagain2012 on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 5:47pm

Glad to year ur DH backs you up on that.

I agree, that you don't have to tolerate her. It's sooooo hard to be the bigger person, I commend you. You are doing the right thing. The BM in my life, doesn't have any custody, or visitation, but still calls and texts every so often, and makes sure we know "she's the mother" if you stick to your guns, hopefully she will get tired of being ignored. BM was HORRIBLE for the first year, and it took my SO forever to step back and see it like your DH.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 5:49pm

I am laughing at the idea of "keeping BM happy".

As big an ass as BM has been to me IF I thought of her happiness at all it would be to make sure she never had another happy day the rest of her putrid life. I prefer just to ignore anything about her.

mannin's picture

Submitted by mannin on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 6:00pm

Thank you so much for the comments. They are really appreciated. I never grew up saying "When I grow up, I'm going to be a stepmom." But, now that I am one - it's a whole new level of drama and bad advice.

I've relied more on instinct and decided my DH would deal with SS's BM.

I have a SM who is a nightmare and a half - and I wasn't a snotty SD who tried to wreck my father's life with my selfishness. I wanted my parents to divorce and find new people.

My BM and SM fought with each other every chance they got and I'm avoiding the pattern with my SS's BM.

I really don't respect SS's BM at all and I don't want to be 'friends.' I never talk about her negatively in front of SS.

When BM got pregnant, yet again, my DH's aunt said I should have gone to her baby shower and I should have invited her to my wedding. I did neither and I don't regret it at all.

I don't get why people who have no clue what they're talking about, talk the most.

sandy1234's picture

Submitted by sandy1234 on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 8:10pm

Oh yeah I know what you mean. People who try to convince me with "You aren't their mom." "you are not a parent." "you have no say in anything." "be nice to NM, bend over backwards." etc it is so annoying when people who have no idea what we and the kids go through because of this wacko try and tell me(well, Dh and I really) what we are doing wrong, how we should be doing things, and all of the above quotes. You have NO idea what u r talking about. I don't try to act like I have insight on your life so don't try to force your views on parenting our kids, amongst other things.

Either way, no matter how much preaching goes on, WE know what's best for our family. Which is why I don't even bother asking advice unless it's my Dad, because most of the time, not always but most, he is right.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 8:38pm

I've found that if you are not part of a stepfamily you really have no clue about the dynamics. It's just something people can't grasp. Even my own mother, great woman that she is tried to tell me one time that ss was my responsibility while he was in my home. I admit I avoided her for a week because I didn't want to go off on her.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 8:39pm

I've found that if you are not part of a stepfamily you really have no clue about the dynamics. It's just something people can't grasp. Even my own mother, great woman that she is tried to tell me one time that ss was my responsibility while he was in my home. I admit I avoided her for a week because I didn't want to go off on her.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 8:39pm

I've found that if you are not part of a stepfamily you really have no clue about the dynamics. It's just something people can't grasp. Even my own mother, great woman that she is tried to tell me one time that ss was my responsibility while he was in my home. I admit I avoided her for a week because I didn't want to go off on her.

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 9:16pm

I'm not a stepparent, although my kids have one. I tend to stay away from the venting posts. But I do try to offer perspective based on where I am wrt my ex/his wife/our kids, and what the kids have shared with me. I have learned from many of you - I hope maybe some of you are willing to learn from me. If not? Oh well.

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 9:46pm

Hmmm... I've never hidden that I'm not a stepMom. I've posted that several times. And sorry, but I don't remember what I may have replied to you about. Nor do I think I've been particularly nasty or harsh - I realize that I am in a minority here. I'm sorry if I caused you offense.

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 9:28am

I hate it when people who don't know my situation try to tell me what I should be doing!! I find that it is mainly DH’s family though who gives the insane advice such as treating SD like my own child and putting her first, crap like that. Other people (friends/coworkers) who I tell about things that go on think I am completely insane for dealing with it and think I deserve better!
My good friend (mother of my Godsons) has 3 boys and she is able to give me some insight into the BM side of things, although she is one of those who do not know how I do the SM thing and she thinks my DH is a complete moron!
So I guess it goes both ways lol

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:57pm

Get a order for child support but don't harass her. When the kid turns 18 sue her for all the back payments.