Newbie, looking for others in the same situation?
Hi there! I've kind of read the forums from afar for awhile but I need some support so I just joined. 
My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and we each have kids from our previous marriages. I have three biological kids, and he has two. We have primary custody of mine, and partial custody of his. They come every other weekend for the whole weekend. We had some problems earlier on with them having issues with authority (not just at home, at school, etc). They are 5, and 6 - so still young. They have come a long way in respecting others, and the complaints coming from the teachers at school have decreased. So at this point my problem is not the step-kids, but his ex-wife.
They had the same attorney do their decree, which I was surprised about. He is paying a large amount of child support each month, plus half of any child care costs, and half of any extra-curricular activities. Unfortunately, the decree states that he pays half, but it isn't factored into his child support. So she contacts him at least twice a month asking for money. So twice a month doesn't seem so bad, but then while she's asking for money she demeans and insults him. She questions his parenting, questions his life decisions, everything. This isn't twice a month, she finds a reason to contact him several times per week and insults him each time. This leads to him shutting down (his defense mechanism) and it affects our marriage as he starts to feel bad about himself. He has tried telling her to stop, but then she says she's not being mean. This isn't true. She insults him, insults me, insults my kids, and then tries to get him to "do a favor" and take his kids when he's working and she can't.
He tried to contact an attorney to see if we can change the decree so that the child care, etc. can be combined with his child support. They told him that he was wasting his time. I'm at a loss - she is controlling everything she can. I can tell she has a large control problem. She sends clothes with the kids and demands we put them in them when we drop them back off at school on Monday. So I end up doing her laundry over the weekend and then putting them in mismatched clothes. I have refused to do this, as I think she is using it to make us appear as if we do not care what the kids wear or how they look. I am the main caretaker of the kids when they are with us, as my husband works quite a bit. Nor would I think he would want to go shopping for their clothes.
We are trying to contact an attorney one more time and request for information on what we can do. She is clearly harassing him (I looked up the law in our area), and we have reached the end of our rope of having our lives questioned by someone who isn't in it for the most part. She demands answers of why we didn't take the kids and why we went here, and why we went there. Then she complains about us not taking the kids when we're sick and she demands we don't see them because we're sick. It's backwards and frustrating and I'm tired of it ruining days and moments that we could be having together. I'm sorry this is long, I just don't know what we can do anymore.
I got so sick of being
I got so sick of being accused of never buying clothes for my bios or keeping new clothes, or sending the wrong clothes for the wrong day that now when I buy something the first thing I do is stick a label in it that has my phone number on it.
Exactly! I have XH on total
Exactly! I have XH on total written communication. Urgent things are via text, non urgent things (or things that are long in explanation) are in email. I think we communicate abot 2x a month these days... and its usually because there is a holiday or one of the kids is sick.
When everything is in writing there is a heck of a lot less crap!
I dont know a ton about
I dont know a ton about custody agreements, but it seems to me there should be a way they she gives him a invoice for what activities and medical payments need to be made. Then he wouldn't have to see or talk to her, they can just pop it in the mail.
On the name calling part. i stopped answering my SD's BM phone calls because she was always using foul terms me and i didn't like it. So now she leaves me voice mail's or texts, and that works nicely because when we have to talk to the lawyer its all right there in black and white. (there is a claws in DH agreement that we all have to be nice to each-other, which is funny because it was BM idea to add it)
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses! I do love my skids, and it's hard to see such animosity being tossed in our direction. We have always taken them for the time stated in the decree and then some, the only times we DON'T take them are when we are sick (throwing up, flu, not just a cold) and then she yells at us later for not taking them even though she stated she didn't want them over here. It's stupid.
Thank you for listening!
We're waiting to hear back from an attorney. He's finally understanding the "document" point, so I'm going to get him a notebook or something for that purpose so he can put it away and not deal with it when he doesn't have to. It just makes me sick that anyone would treat ANYONE else that way, I don't care if it's your enemy - you need to respect others. It's also coming across in their kids, as sometimes they will say disrespectful or rude things to us,teachers, my bio kids, or others. I know part of that is growing up, but I have huge concerns about how that will play out in the long run. I do know, however, that we can only control how they are raised in our house.
She has actually stated that she refuses to contact me anymore, which is interesting. Last time I talked to her she insulted me and talked over me, so I gave the phone to DH and walked away. So now she refuses to contact me at all, and then complains that we won't take the kids when they're sick or on snow days. Dude...we've already said if you need that to contact me because I'm the one that's going to be home with them. So she yells at us for not taking them, but refuses to ask me.
What I think I'm going to actually have him do is to set up a bill pay out of our bank account online and that way it's documented via the bank (not just cancelled checks or whatever) as to what day it was sent and how much was sent. Theoretically it's the same amount every time, so if he just sets that up she can understand it will come when it's scheduled. She has poor money management issues, so she begs him for money early because she can't make it through. I don't know if we're allowed to discuss how much CS is paid, but it's well over $1500/month with child care, etc. It's a lot of money...you can figure out how to sustain yourself on it.
As for the clothes, I've given up on that. I did inventory, asked her if she had a few things just 'cause I noticed the closet was getting low. Then she complained to DH that she has too many clothes to go through and remember what came from where, so she was just going to send clothes. Nope, I'm not going to play that game. So from now on I'll send them in clothes I buy and not expect them back. One of the skids is probably considered obese, which is sad in itself, but she also dresses her in clothes that are too small. I don't want her to develop a problem with poor body image so I refuse to put her in the clothes that are sent because they're just too small. It's things like this that are making me play by my own rules. Then the school complains to both parents that her lunches aren't healthy - and I make sure the ones I make are. Her BM is still sending candy and pizza with her every day. It's like a never ending cycle of not understanding how to raise the kids to feel good about themselves here when they don't get it everywhere. Now I know I can't control any of that, it's just frustrating to deal with.
She just starts fights to start them. Last time she picked them up she texted him and said "Is there a reason you didn't put them in the clothes I sent?" Instead of saying the obvious, that they don't match and that they're too small, DH only said "You don't need to send them again, we just won't ask for ours back." Then she went off on him about "You've got to be kidding me, I can't do anything right...". Well, heck, I would have just said "OK" and accepted the fact that I got more clothes.
OK, I'm done complaining for now.
He needs a rabid dog
He needs a rabid dog attorney. It'll cost up front but it'll save in the long run. The original attorney was way out of line representing both of them but I suspect the paperwork will show that technically the attorney represented one of them while the other was "in-pro-per" i.e. unrepresented. Most likely him considering the way it ended.
I.e. he was screwed.
Just because he has to pay 1/2 of extra-curricular activities does not mean he has to agree to those activities. He can simply tell her he does not want the kids to participate in any one or for that matter all activities. But then he looks bad in the eyes of the children.
But by this summer his attorney should have sorted this out and things will be better. Remember the meanest attorney around - ask friends and co-workers and he should do the same before choosing.
LOL I know no mean attorneys,
LOL I know no mean attorneys, neither does anyone I know. Mine sure as heck wasn't - my ex was un-represented and we had an amicable divorce. I guess their attorney told my husband that their divorce was "simple" because they weren't arguing over everything. IMO if you have to stipulate who gets the kids what holidays and the exact terms of custody time it ISN'T "simple". I told him he was screwed, he didn't seem to get it until lately. It just seems silly to be paying her 4 times a month (2x for CS and 2x for day care/extracurriculars). Thanks!
The judge in my sister's case
The judge in my sister's case would not add child care as part of the child support because it is not a constant. It can go up, in which case, my sister would be screwed or it could go down, in which case the ex would be overpaying.
I do agree that some sort of schedule needs to be worked out so the ex-wife is not calling for money all of the time. That would suck.
In our state you can request
In our state you can request a reconsideration for child support every two years. She has already done that this past year and she didn't get what she wanted. It has to be a 20% change or more in order to get the increased amount, and ours was something like 15% so they didn't raise it. Then she told him to either pay up or she would go to court and get a judge to sign for it. She didn't do anything. She also screwed herself over because she ended up paying them for the reconsideration, and got nothing out of it. Secondarily, because of her reconsideration request it started going directly through a different branch and he can't just decide to pay her more, THEY have to do it. She's not the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure. So I guess my long-winded point is that we can also go back every other year and ask for a reconsideration with new child care cost added in. He's contemplating going to court and asking for 50/50, which I'm fine with, but we live in a mother's state and I don't think he'd get it.