"Should I Stay or Should I Go Now"
Actually, I have already "gone". I met a wonderful man 3 years ago. He raised two daughters alone from the ages of 5 and 6. Their mother dropped completely aout of their lives in early teens. Not being a Daddy's girl myself, this is part of what made me love him. He never remarried or had a live in. He didn't want ot risk exposing them to problems or bad treatment. They are beautiful and intelligent. It's very easy for me to love people and I believe you should offer those dearest to your SO unconditional love. So I did. The oldest is haughty and I have been stung by little asides that began about a year in. I moved in in Feb. of this year. We heard from her grandmother that she was concerned she wouldn't get as much time with her dad alone. So we made sure that didn't happen. I was very sensitve to this and told him he needed to be sensitive to what they needed from him at this stage of their life. She is away at school and only comes home on breaks. She is 26.
We hosted both our families for Thanksgiving. I asked the girls if they would set the table. I did all the cooking. Apparently I had said something wrong that morning and wasn't aware of it. They began to obsess about a dirty kitchen wall I had meant to get to but never did. I work in a factory. I'm 50 and tired and had a 45 min. drive each way as well, had worked overtime. The wall was dirty when I moved in. I maintained the bulk of house cleaning, but never got around to baseboards etc,. The oldest lays on the couch, shops and takes over the TV when she is home. I never had a problem with that. When my daughter and her husband arrived she greeted the oldest, who held her head up walked past and ignored her. We had planned to serve our parents at the main table with china and sit with them as hosts. Right before we sat, she walked between me and her father with her back turned to me and said she was sitting with her grandparents at the main table. He started to protest weakly and I told him it was fine that it would work out better with a host at each table.
She had posted "If this day keeps going like it has, I'll be in prison by Christmas" I didn't even know she was upset. That night she said she wanted her hjolidays like they always were. She didn't want her room to be a guest room because it would "creep her out" that my family stayed there. She made rude judgemental remarks about my family. We agreed no more joint holidays. She told her dad that night I should have cleaned the wall because I lived there. I didn't ask them to clean anything only set the table which they didn't do either. Stayed in bedroom before and after dinner.
I gave them time and he came to me and said she was really upset and that we may have to always have a 3 bedroom. I told him we had planned to downsize asnd I would not create a shrine to her, because I wanted us to have a place where all our children were equally welcome. I offered to move and he immediately said he would help me. I was hurt. He said maybe when she was out of school and matured more things would be better.
He had always made it clear that if anyone was mean to his daughters he would not see them and early on whenever he said he loved me he would add more than anyone else, except my daughters, which I actually understood and found touching. It got old, though.
He sayd he wants to be with me forever, but I wonder if she will always be insecure and rude. When I left, I realized how tense I had been when she would come home. I would bend over backwards. After moving out I even made the trip back to make her birthday cake and to see them Christmas. He came to spend a couple days after Christmas. I had the flu. She got sick and he needed to go back, which I understand. But I'm beginning to feel like a weekend booty call and I'm too old for that.
I don't really want to be alone the rest of my life and I do love him, but not sure if I'm up for the emotional immaturity and picking I've been subjected to. When I bring it up he becomes defensive. I love my children too. I don't defend their bad behavior, and the;y haven't exhibited any. My boys were not crazy aobut him, but accepted him.
Here's another point of wonder..He says I love him more than anyone else has..more than he says he loves me..hmmm. I admit to naivety. I think I may be repeating my childhood with a father that does not respect or cherish me but loves all other girls dearly-ha..Ugh. So hard to break it off when it's comfortable at my age, but can't see her changing and afraid I don't want to spend the rest of my life being surrounded by bitter judgemental critical haughty self absorbed always right people. I think my frustration is leaking out.
you're lucky you've seen what
you're lucky you've seen what he and his D's are like prior to marriage and being "stuck". enjoy what you want from him and skip the rest. keep you own home. don't invite people to it who are rude to you. you owe his D's nothing. let him have his relationship and know that with him, you will never come first.
Thank you. I don't really
Thank you. I don't really like to talk about it to friends or family. My children are not manipulative and although upset about the treatment I have recieved,don't try to influence my actions. So it's nice to just get some feedback. When you are in the situation, it's hard to see objectively. He has helped me tremendously about $3,000 worth getting back into my apartment. So I fell rude dropping him, as well as the fact I still love him very much and have grown dependent on his comfort. But I have been in a haze and a bit of depression trying to figure out what to do. I hate change and hate to admit that it's nice to have an SO when things go wrong with car, computer, etc. or just to hold.
I agree. He will always put
I agree. He will always put the little princesses ahead of you. Is that really what you want? I would either end it or tell him it is no longer an exclusive relationship. Keep your options open. And Stop doing anything for these biatches! They do not deserve your kindness.
^^^THIS!!!^^^
^^^THIS!!!^^^
Thank you all very much for
Thank you all very much for comments. It has helped give me clear vision and resolve.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the hug. Yes, she cleaned it that morning and the other daughter pointed out the edge around the door handle and said, "Oh! You have to get that!" So I did. Their houses are not perfectly clean either, but their grandmother keeps a perfect house, which I admire, but she has no outside job. Mine has always been orderly and hygeinic. I'll admit I focus on kitchen and bathroom-ha. But I have let up a little over the years as far as walls baseboards and doorknobs. I also never felt at home there and resented having to clean up what never would have happened at my own house, but still had meant to get to it. Menopause started about the time I moved in-ha and I am just so tired all the time. I work physically very hard. Boyfriend is in IT which is not a very physically demanding job, so he could have just as easily done it. I felt my cooking the meal was hospitable enough. I told him today he should start seeing other people, but he adamantly refuses. You are right, though, I don't want him to get the idea I'm juist here to meet his needs. Cook while he watches football all weekend. He says he regrets offering to move me out, but it was his knee jerk reaction..and I told him actions speak louder than words. I do feel torn down by this experience. I felt very strong and positive and happy when I had moved out on my own after kids had left. Independent..I just feel like a scared tired old woman now. But I know I need to get out at some point and cultivate some social life that doesn't include him. It does help so much to hear from others who have been there. It's so hard to be objective inside it and I am the type who second guesses with myself always ending up in the losing position of giving others the benefit of the doubt and extending forgiveness. You can only do so much of that, before you are so depleted you don't ven notice yourself anymore. I refuse to do that.
Amen! That's not how I want
Amen! That's not how I want to spend my time! You so sound like me! My daughter has said she wants to have a Mother/Daughter spa day when time permits from her new job. I have to give her a plug, too. With a degree in psychology, she tries to stay objective and fair. She doesn't badmouth the girl at all, except for one weak moment when I moved out and she said, "She's just a selfish little bitch!" I'm more proud of my 3 now. They grew up to be respectful and non-judgemental.
He has told you where you
He has told you where you matter in his life. I would move on. I am 46 and can tell you, I am too old to take second place to any child. You need to be with someone who puts you first. We had a lot of problems with my SD when I moved in. Those have been solved now and we are much better. But, I can tell you if he didn't put me first, I would have left.
Maybe you feel old and
Maybe you feel old and confused because you've been sucked into someone else's dysfunction. My advice is to step out of the drama, keep your own place and move on with your life. BTW, I am older that you and my motto is "Old Broads Rule!". I don't consider myself all washed up just yet and I would not care to be subjected to that type of environment. Make him YOUR booty call. Or better yet, go on about your life, pursue your own interests and let this guy go. He's obviously not ready for a mature relationship with an adult woman, he's too tied up in the past and isn't willing to put his children in their places and move on with his own life. You don't want someone that won't put you first. He's weak. His children are grown, if he wants to sit home all alone to please them while they go live their lives, that is his choice.
BTW, if they complained about a dirty wall to me, I would have laughed their dizzy asses out of the house. If you think the wall is dirty, feel free to clean it, bitch. What are you, his maid? Give me a break.
First sentence-yes. We all
First sentence-yes. We all have enough dysfunction of our own to sacrifice our lives to someone else's. I love your perspective on making him my booty call-ha..it's all in the perspective I think
I love ya'll! You have made my day. I believe we all have that "power" within, but when the light dims, we need others to blow on it a bit.
O&C, here's the advice I
O&C, here's the advice I would give you above all else: Never feel like you need to sacrifice the most important thing in the world, just so you won't be "alone."
And that most important thing? It's YOU!
I can tell by your writing that you are an intelligent, compassionate, insightful and decent person who has a lot to offer the world - and someday, another man who will appreciate the marvelous person you are.
There is no time, or age limit, on love.
As others have said, get out, get around, get motivated. I am older than you and if my SO and I ever ended our relationship, I certainly would mourn it but I WOULD move on. You have the added benefit of children of your own, which I don't have.
One of the most enjoyable things I do is take occasional trips BY MYSELF - which my SO fully supports (God love him). I love to travel alone - and there is nothing like coming back from a successful solo trip to build anyone's confidence and realize that being alone also means being in the company of someone you know well, understand and never have arguments with.
By the way, my SO is the best man I have been with in my entire life. And I met him when I was in my late 40's. Sometimes you have to hit a lot of speedbumps in the road before you wind up at your final destination - like wrong men, wrong relationships eventually leading to the very best one of all! Keep your chin up!
Thank you I actually do like
Thank you
I actually do like living alone. My daughter said I seemed happier living alone. And you are right-just a little day trip is strengthening. For my 50th birthday I took a day and roamed and ate out by myself. I'm a tad sociaphobic, so it was very freeing and I was quite proud of myself-ha. I'm sure that seems strange to some, but you are right. I feel a loyalty to myself. I just fear getting older and not having someone to depend on and love, I suppose. And I am really attached to him, love him like no other ever. But life goes on and I'm already so thankful for the advice and encouragement I have received here. I feel stronger and am making some resolutions, so we will see.
I think he did you a favor.
I think he did you a favor. He let you know upfront that his allegiance was with his daughters, and not you. I agree with the others about finding new friends and forging new relationships. One day he'll realize the error of his ways when he's sitting alone reflecting over the life he could have had. Take time to enjoy the special people in your life. Learn a new skill, do something you've always wanted to do, and have some fun. And heck, you're not old. I'm close to your age and we still have many many years to go!
I moved in w/DH an SD (25 at the time), and had no clue about the nightmare I was getting into. I was against it, knew it wouldn't work, but allowed DH to talk me into it. We even cancelled the wedding because I was against it . . but he kept on pushing the issue and I gave in. The plan was, she'd finish school, get a job an get her own place. In the meantime she had no chores at all, and did everything in her power to get me out. She was lazy, mean-spirited, selfish, and evil. She told me she felt I was trying to come between her and her daddy. So I made it clear to DH, that if he didn't set her straight, I was filing for divorce and moving out.
DH was mortified by her behavior and even stated he should have gotten her counseling after the divorce. I finally got her out after I insisted that DH charge her a real rent, and stay on her about her laziness to the point of her getting sick of hearing it. Finally, every chance I got I would retreat w/DH into the bedroom. She finally got the message and moved out. DH tried to discourage her (after all the hell she caused). The day she moved was one of the happiest days of my life.
Life is too short to be miserable, and don't worry about not finding someone special, just believe that you will and make the effort. But until then, continue to enjoy, love and nuture the most important person in your life . . . .you! Good luck!
I wish I would have moved out
I wish I would have moved out when I thought I saw what I clearly see now!