What sort of chores are suitable for a 13 year old? She will be 14 in a few months. She has one afterschool activity, but that's pretty much it. Also, she lives w/ us for a week and then w/ her mom for a week. Thank you.
I'd like her to at least help out a little. I'm not trying to turn her into Cinderalla. I just think it would be nice for ALL of us to pitch in. It's not fun to be getting dinner ready and setting the table while she's playing on the computer or watching TV. Really the only things I care about are dishes and garbage. My husband admits he's bad about this, but he doesn't know how to fix it. He thinks after 2 1/2 years, I should be able to parent her more. I have trouble w/ that (I posted a topic "Afraid to Discipline SK" or something like that if you want to see my reasons.)
I understand where you are coming from. Been there and done that myself. It left me feeling like a slave at times. Then I would get angered when I would see my husband try to bond with them at that time. When its just us, DH helps in the kitchen and its fun not to mention..I hate cooking and everybody knows it that knows me! I though that they all could bond while being constructive and we all can get things done then move on with the day.
Learned to separate myself in the end and I'm much happier now. Will admit on the last visit..I was cooking and DH had plans to cook his dish next to me when his water came to a boil, it was ready to start. DH wanted his son to join us at least with company and was told so by his dad. SS went back to his computer and his dad joined him! Wanted to find out what was so interesting that he would not visit. Well the water by then was at a boil as well as my blood. I threw my hands up and said "I'm done cooking, you guys can finish it or let it burn, I don't care!" then went to my room.
They both snapped into shape real quick and SS even asked if he can do the dishes. I didn't have to say another about it either
It really is easier to step back and let them do as they please. Take yourself out on a dinner date if you want a break too.
My 14 year old ss unloads the dishwasher, does his own laundry, feeds and waters the dogs, walks the dogs daily (takes 40 minutes total). He also keeps his room clean and cleans the bathroom twice a week and mows the lawn in the summer/shovels snow in the winter.
SS15yo's chores are taking care of his own room in it's entirety, cleaning the bathroom he soley uses (we have an ensuite), picking up dog crap, cleaning the games room downstairs. Those are Saturday shores, during the week it is small things like unstacking dishwasher, taking clothes of line etc.
She should know how to do the laundry correctly by now. If not teach her and she can do it once a month. Certainly she can sort and fold clothing my step-daughter was doing all of that by that age.
Change the oil on the car. Seriously - whatever Dad does around the house she can help even if its to hold the tools. She'll learn a lot just watching and its good quality time spent with Dad. She needs to know the difference between a slot and phillips head screwdriver and how to properly fit them to a screw as an example of what can be learned.
I have to say that my husband is VERY helpful around the house. I really don't know how I got so lucky. He also takes care of the yard work, gets the oil changed in both vehicles and gets them washed as well. We've been together almost 3 years, and I've never once had to rake or shovel, nor have I got the car washed or had the oil changed. He enjoys doing that stuff. It's not like he and SD are sitting around doing nothing while I do everything. It would just be nice if SD pitched in. My friend gave me her view on chores, and I really liked it. She told her kids that they're all part of the family and it's everybody's responsibility to take care of the house. That's kind of how I want it to be.
Hi everyone! I'm a new stepmom and new to this site... Sooooo happy to have found you! Well, my step kids are 10 and 12 year-old twins... All girls. They visit their dad every second weekend. Early on, I noticed they were not picking up after themselves: would get up from dining and not make an attempt to help clear the table; did not make their beds, left stuff wherever they got done with them,etc. I'm a glamour-girl-turn-housewife (just until I get settled), so you know I'm not volunteering for the housekeeper job! I pulled my husband aside and asked, "Honey, do the girls have someone at their (mother's) home who picks up after them?" His reply was, "Yes, there is a full-time helper and she does everything for them... Walks around behind them and picks up their mess" ... I looked him in the eye and asked, "Sweetie, do you see that person here, in this house?" He looked at me, as if a light went on in his head, went downstairs, had a chat with them... Now I have three little helpers who I have to compete with for chores! Lol. I think they are old enough to make their own beds, keep their rooms clean... Once I see them making the effort, if the result is not perfect, I don't mind adding the finishing touches. I cook, they set and clear the table... Load and unload the dishwasher. They are expected to pick up after themselves... I clean the bathrooms because I'm very particular about a clean bathroom. So far so good...as far as that is concerned.
I agree, doormatnomore, he's a smart one! Lol... The ex is trying to make trouble in subtle ways, but I have to say that he is right on the money about how he handles things. He knows just the kind of person I am and he knows I will not tolerate nonsense...lol... His position, regarding the whole situation, is that kids do not get to make the rules... Because of that, skids and ex-wife are understanding that he cannot be emotionally blackmailed. I'm really happy, so far, about how he's been dealing with stuff...
Wow am I glad I found this site!! New user...
I have been with SS's dad for about 3yrs, since he was 11.5yrs old. I also have a daughter now 4.5yrs (pretty much 10yrs between kids, both our kids are with ex's). There is such a double standard it does my head in!! Since my D has been around hubby since she was just over 1, he has relatively co-parented, except any hands on discipline is done by me. He's great with stepping in and helping with her. With SS being older it's harder.
My biggest problem is that although he is really a great kid, and great with me and his step-sis, he does tend to ride the coat-tails/cruise around the house. We moved house about a year ago and had a big chat about chores etc, and pretty much everything agreed has been broken. Never EVER any consequences or punishment. I've said to hubby new year new rules, but he's relucant as SS has issues with SDad at mums house, so he doesn't want to make it harder here....! Occassionally he helps out with dishwasher, and you push him to do his room, or really push on a saturday for around the house, but that's it.
I made the comment tonight to hubby (change-over night, just arrived) that he needs to tidy up/pack away his stuff before bed, otherwise it sits there for the week. I got the impression hubby thought I was trying to be difficult....
Not sure how else to broach it, it's damn hard when he gets sick of my comments, and I feel like I am expected to clean up after him and my daughter/general house....
My older SS is also 13. He's responsible for keeping his room clean, doing his own laundry, and helping with dinner cleanup. Other than that, he helps out with whatever other random chores we might ask him to do. Oh, he also helps mow the lawn in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. He has no problem handling these responsibilities, though he does need frequent reminders simply because he's extremely lazy and forgetful.
My bios are 15 and 13, I know they aren't SK's but I can tell you some of the stuff they are responsible for around the house to give you an idea.
Their OWN laundry. I got tired of chasing them down for their dirty clothes so now they have to do their own.
Dinner dishes (almost everynight) Sometimes (depending on the amount) they do them together, sometimes it is the 15yo's job by himself for the night, sometimes the 13yo by herself. I keep track of who did them alone to make sure that it is evened out. Sometimes they have to put them away also, sometimes not.
Garbage, vacuuming, dusting.
In the summer time they help with projects. Gardening, mowing, cleaning pool, painting, etc....
By the time I was 13, there wasn't a chore in our house that wasn't done by one of the kids. Each kid was responsible, at a minimum, for cleaning and vaccuuming their own rooms and doing their own laundry. Additional household chores rotated by week so no one kid got stuck doing the same thing every time.
My mom cooked, my dad worked and did the heavy yard/outside work. The kids did the rest.
If your skid has no chores now, I would discuss with DH. Figure out which chores will have the most impact for the two of you. If that's dishes daily and vaccuuming every couple days, then so be it. You do what works for you guys, ya know? She's definitely old enough to do it.
I would let her dad be in
I would let her dad be in charge of that. Did he ask you to give him some ideas on chores or you suggesting it to him and he agreed?
I'd like her to at least help
I'd like her to at least help out a little. I'm not trying to turn her into Cinderalla. I just think it would be nice for ALL of us to pitch in. It's not fun to be getting dinner ready and setting the table while she's playing on the computer or watching TV. Really the only things I care about are dishes and garbage. My husband admits he's bad about this, but he doesn't know how to fix it. He thinks after 2 1/2 years, I should be able to parent her more. I have trouble w/ that (I posted a topic "Afraid to Discipline SK" or something like that if you want to see my reasons.)
My post is under the
My post is under the Teenagers forum. "Afraid to discipline SK."
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. Been there and done that myself. It left me feeling like a slave at times. Then I would get angered when I would see my husband try to bond with them at that time. When its just us, DH helps in the kitchen and its fun not to mention..I hate cooking and everybody knows it that knows me! I though that they all could bond while being constructive and we all can get things done then move on with the day.
Learned to separate myself in the end and I'm much happier now. Will admit on the last visit..I was cooking and DH had plans to cook his dish next to me when his water came to a boil, it was ready to start. DH wanted his son to join us at least with company and was told so by his dad. SS went back to his computer and his dad joined him! Wanted to find out what was so interesting that he would not visit. Well the water by then was at a boil as well as my blood. I threw my hands up and said "I'm done cooking, you guys can finish it or let it burn, I don't care!" then went to my room.
They both snapped into shape real quick and SS even asked if he can do the dishes. I didn't have to say another about it either
It really is easier to step back and let them do as they please. Take yourself out on a dinner date if you want a break too.
My 14 year old ss unloads the
My 14 year old ss unloads the dishwasher, does his own laundry, feeds and waters the dogs, walks the dogs daily (takes 40 minutes total). He also keeps his room clean and cleans the bathroom twice a week and mows the lawn in the summer/shovels snow in the winter.
SS15yo's chores are taking
SS15yo's chores are taking care of his own room in it's entirety, cleaning the bathroom he soley uses (we have an ensuite), picking up dog crap, cleaning the games room downstairs. Those are Saturday shores, during the week it is small things like unstacking dishwasher, taking clothes of line etc.
Emptying dishwasher and
Emptying dishwasher and vacuuming bedrooms would be a good start.
She should know how to do the
She should know how to do the laundry correctly by now. If not teach her and she can do it once a month. Certainly she can sort and fold clothing my step-daughter was doing all of that by that age.
Change the oil on the car. Seriously - whatever Dad does around the house she can help even if its to hold the tools. She'll learn a lot just watching and its good quality time spent with Dad. She needs to know the difference between a slot and phillips head screwdriver and how to properly fit them to a screw as an example of what can be learned.
Shes does do her own laundry.
Shes does do her own laundry. Sorry, I forgot to mention that. My husband also makes her clean her room every so often.
I have to say that my husband
I have to say that my husband is VERY helpful around the house. I really don't know how I got so lucky. He also takes care of the yard work, gets the oil changed in both vehicles and gets them washed as well. We've been together almost 3 years, and I've never once had to rake or shovel, nor have I got the car washed or had the oil changed. He enjoys doing that stuff. It's not like he and SD are sitting around doing nothing while I do everything. It would just be nice if SD pitched in. My friend gave me her view on chores, and I really liked it. She told her kids that they're all part of the family and it's everybody's responsibility to take care of the house. That's kind of how I want it to be.
Hi everyone! I'm a new
Hi everyone! I'm a new stepmom and new to this site... Sooooo happy to have found you! Well, my step kids are 10 and 12 year-old twins... All girls. They visit their dad every second weekend. Early on, I noticed they were not picking up after themselves: would get up from dining and not make an attempt to help clear the table; did not make their beds, left stuff wherever they got done with them,etc. I'm a glamour-girl-turn-housewife (just until I get settled), so you know I'm not volunteering for the housekeeper job! I pulled my husband aside and asked, "Honey, do the girls have someone at their (mother's) home who picks up after them?" His reply was, "Yes, there is a full-time helper and she does everything for them... Walks around behind them and picks up their mess" ... I looked him in the eye and asked, "Sweetie, do you see that person here, in this house?" He looked at me, as if a light went on in his head, went downstairs, had a chat with them... Now I have three little helpers who I have to compete with for chores! Lol. I think they are old enough to make their own beds, keep their rooms clean... Once I see them making the effort, if the result is not perfect, I don't mind adding the finishing touches. I cook, they set and clear the table... Load and unload the dishwasher. They are expected to pick up after themselves... I clean the bathrooms because I'm very particular about a clean bathroom. So far so good...as far as that is concerned.
I agree, doormatnomore, he's
I agree, doormatnomore, he's a smart one! Lol... The ex is trying to make trouble in subtle ways, but I have to say that he is right on the money about how he handles things. He knows just the kind of person I am and he knows I will not tolerate nonsense...lol... His position, regarding the whole situation, is that kids do not get to make the rules... Because of that, skids and ex-wife are understanding that he cannot be emotionally blackmailed. I'm really happy, so far, about how he's been dealing with stuff...
Wow am I glad I found this
Wow am I glad I found this site!! New user...
I have been with SS's dad for about 3yrs, since he was 11.5yrs old. I also have a daughter now 4.5yrs (pretty much 10yrs between kids, both our kids are with ex's). There is such a double standard it does my head in!! Since my D has been around hubby since she was just over 1, he has relatively co-parented, except any hands on discipline is done by me. He's great with stepping in and helping with her. With SS being older it's harder.
My biggest problem is that although he is really a great kid, and great with me and his step-sis, he does tend to ride the coat-tails/cruise around the house. We moved house about a year ago and had a big chat about chores etc, and pretty much everything agreed has been broken. Never EVER any consequences or punishment. I've said to hubby new year new rules, but he's relucant as SS has issues with SDad at mums house, so he doesn't want to make it harder here....! Occassionally he helps out with dishwasher, and you push him to do his room, or really push on a saturday for around the house, but that's it.
I made the comment tonight to hubby (change-over night, just arrived) that he needs to tidy up/pack away his stuff before bed, otherwise it sits there for the week. I got the impression hubby thought I was trying to be difficult....
Not sure how else to broach it, it's damn hard when he gets sick of my comments, and I feel like I am expected to clean up after him and my daughter/general house....
Sorry for the vent - been building for a while!!!
My older SS is also 13. He's
My older SS is also 13. He's responsible for keeping his room clean, doing his own laundry, and helping with dinner cleanup. Other than that, he helps out with whatever other random chores we might ask him to do. Oh, he also helps mow the lawn in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. He has no problem handling these responsibilities, though he does need frequent reminders simply because he's extremely lazy and forgetful.
My bios are 15 and 13, I know
My bios are 15 and 13, I know they aren't SK's but I can tell you some of the stuff they are responsible for around the house to give you an idea.
Their OWN laundry. I got tired of chasing them down for their dirty clothes so now they have to do their own.
Dinner dishes (almost everynight) Sometimes (depending on the amount) they do them together, sometimes it is the 15yo's job by himself for the night, sometimes the 13yo by herself. I keep track of who did them alone to make sure that it is evened out. Sometimes they have to put them away also, sometimes not.
Garbage, vacuuming, dusting.
In the summer time they help with projects. Gardening, mowing, cleaning pool, painting, etc....
By the time I was 13, there
By the time I was 13, there wasn't a chore in our house that wasn't done by one of the kids. Each kid was responsible, at a minimum, for cleaning and vaccuuming their own rooms and doing their own laundry. Additional household chores rotated by week so no one kid got stuck doing the same thing every time.
My mom cooked, my dad worked and did the heavy yard/outside work. The kids did the rest.
If your skid has no chores now, I would discuss with DH. Figure out which chores will have the most impact for the two of you. If that's dishes daily and vaccuuming every couple days, then so be it. You do what works for you guys, ya know? She's definitely old enough to do it.