Another weekend with a tough transition
I have been luck enough to be the step mom to lovely gal for 5 years. She is now 14. She is with us every other weekend. The issue is before or after the visit. We get a call from the mom. The mom tells us how stressed out the gal is that she has to come to our house or how horrible the visit was for the gal.
I am very frustrated and upset by these calls.
The gal does not express any concerns while she is with us and always seems to have a good time.
The mom does nothing to reassure her that the visit will be fun.
The gal often also gets on the phone to repeat in adult language how she is unhappy.
Dad is tired from it all.
I want mom to be supportive.
Am i asking too much?
Why is the transition from one house to the other so difficult?
Ps: there was a period of time that we didnt have the calls. Mom had a boyfriend. He is no longer in the picture. She has no distractions...
Help! What can I do?
Agreed, we should have
Agreed, we should have figured it out by now.
I don't get the calls, the emails or texts. I just noticed there were lots of questions coming in via text to dad and a missed call.mostly about gal wants to go here or there on your weekend. Or can you stop in when you pick her up, we need to talk. I was thinking there was something mom needed to say. But what she said when i forced him to call her was all the stuff i really thought we had figuredout.
I thought last nights call was about logistics. I guess when we realized it was about moms concerns over gals mental anxiety we could have wrapped it up and had her email us.
We listened. He talked. I dont dare. I have to live with a stressed dad that doesnt tell his exwife that she needs to suck it up and be strong for her daughter.
It sounds strange to ask: how much email/ text/calls are required at 14 from mom. In my opinion it should be time changes.
Gal has a cell phone. Cant we expect that if she wants to do this or that on our weekend gal can ask directly and mom should not fuel the flame when we say no to gal. Gal seems to be telling mom we say no. Poor gal right. Mom needs to tell gal to build her own relationship. But instead she sticks in her oar.
Again... she does not have any adult relationships to discuss life... she talks to gal and has gal as a bff. She needs tobe a mom and step up
At this point i look forward
At this point i look forward to her getting older and moving on... but the Next 4 years are going to do me in.
Is it over reacting to get out of the way. Let dad be home alone all weekend on her weekends? Find something /somewhere to be... avoid gal? Its not my problem right? I know avoiding the situation will not make it better... but i need a break.
Too bad mom doesnt support me and my contributions. It is what it is... but i am sick of hearing my conversations with gal get twisted and used against me.
We have a BM who does this
We have a BM who does this also. SD never says anything directly to us but she'd go home and we'd get a call later from BM that this, this or the other thing upset SD. We decided to stick to a standard comment "SD will need to address those things directly with us. If we don't know whats bothering her we can't help her." Take BM out of the middle. She doesn't need to manage the relationship between SD and her father.
Awesome advice. That is the
Awesome advice.
That is the perfect line.
It will enrage mom no end.
I agree with the "don't
I agree with the "don't answer the phone" responses, and I would have dad have a talk with his ex. May or may not work. I've been a step-mom for nearly 13 years...2 years of my husband and I dating, and nearly 11 years of marriage. When my SD was younger, mom would call EVERY night...and I do mean EVERY night! My husband would pick up my SD around 6 pm on Friday, and by 8 pm the phone was ringing! Mom would start with this "I miss you so much...you're my favorite" crap, and the moment that my SD would get off of the phone, she would be bawling her eyes out that she wanted to go home to her mom's!
Now, that SD is older (about your SD's age), we have the same problem that my SD will not tell us anything, but sure enough, my husband will get calls from his ex. Just this past September, my SD moved in with us...had been telling my husband for about a year that that is what SHE wanted because her step-dad was always yelling at her, etc., and in September my husband's ex supposedly couldn't take my SD's attitude and such any longer. Before the first week was even over, my husband's ex is calling him saying that my SD is texting her saying she wants to come home! When my husband asked my SD about it, she said that she never said any such thing to her mom. This went on for a couple of months...with SD continuing to deny that she said anything to her mom. Well, turns out this was just another one of her many lies...that she was upset that our school district didn't have dance at the middle school level, and she couldn't just jump on the cheerleading squad even though she made cheerleader at her old school (doesn't work that way...all of our cheerleaders had already been chosen). She wasn't patient enough to wait until next year when she goes into high school to try out for dance (drill team) and/or cheer. Also, because she wasn't doing her school work, I wasn't about to let my husband pay for a $200/month dance class that she wanted to take since the school didn't have dance! Needless to say, she is now back to living with her mom!
Don't do anything that will
Don't do anything that will enrage the mother - its pointless and will only make the situation worse.
Use a answering machine to screen the calls and don't answer here as others have suggested. She can rant into the machine and she will fell better and Dad can just go over and pick the kid up as if he hasn't checked his phone machine yet.
Why doesn't Daddy sit the girl down and tell her he's concerned about what't bothering her and how can things be made better? The girl (gal) will have to either fess up that there's really wrong - its all her mothers ravings - or she can give you guys something to work on.
Soon the girl will want to stop coming over prefering to spend her weekends with her friends and such. When this happens I'd advise Daddy to not fight it but instead make a compromise with her such as Sunday dinner each week instead of a weekend. You guys can go out to eat or have something at home. A couple of hours so everyone keeps in touch.