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Why are steps labled to be such bad people

NoraAstepmom's picture

Submitted by NoraAstepmom on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 10:47am

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Adult Stepchildren

Was looking on the web to find advise. I ran across this forum. Was surprized to see it. What I found the most on the web is how to be a better step parent. To give Them time to adjust, be kind and understanding . My ass. 5 years of doing this has not got me anywhere. Except made me feel like im a bad person. Im an adult never in my life have I been mean to anyone have always tryed to treat people with respect. But I have now found their is a limit. I have let my feelings get hurt many times. Why because I fell in love with a man who has entitled ADULT Brats. I see this as being my husbands Fault. Anything they want they get. I grew up at 15 went to work. If I wanted something I worked for it. I didnt go running to my mommy or daddy to buy me what I wanted. Reading alot of these storeys on here is crazy. We are made to be bad people because we married someone that has kids. Give me a break. I have choosen to stop and be myself. No more kissing ass to get along with his selfish little adult brats. My husband turns his head to the things they do. Thats his choice. But when he brings them up I dont say anything. Why because I DONOT give a shit. Im not interested in what he does for them. I also feel everytime he brings there name up im going to vomit. I have had enough. They all are Thieves, drug addicts, liars, and selfish. Venting here. I have to clue how most of you have put up with it for so long.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 11:27am

So true, they are jealous and feel a sense of loss. Instead of having insight it was easier to assassinate our character. Thus much of what we did was scrutinized and criticized to justify feelings our unions to their dads evoked (anger etc..).

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 11:23am

lol Smile

NoraAstepmom's picture

Submitted by NoraAstepmom on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 11:45am

Ive changed. I have become a BITCH. I never ever used curse words. I always felt a lady doesnt talk that way. I use to be a nice person. I always felt God beside me, now I feel like I have become hard uncaring. I miss the person I use to be and im not sure if I will ever be able to be her again. I realize that we are parents and we are to love our kids no matter what, When my husband choose to marry me I was to become part of this family, I mean isnt that the way its suppost to be. I wasnt looking to move in and be a parent to his selfish brats a friend would have been nice. But im not going to beg or kiss ass for this to happen. My husband I hate to say I have lost respect for him. Why because he choose to ignore what his selfish entitled kids have said and done to me. To turn the cheek as they say. Im his wife im not asking him to give them up. But I think he should tell them this is my wife you treat her with RESPECT. My adult kids would never ever treat my husband the way his do me. If they did I would be in there face so bad they would be ashamed. I feel im hard now and uncaring this isnt a good thing, I miss the love I had in my heart will I ever be able to fix that.

Lady's picture

Submitted by Lady on Wed, 01/16/2013 - 5:43pm

NoraAstepmom.I know excatly how you feel.I am the same way you are. I never in a million years thought I would let cuss words out of my mouth and on the defense all the time.My sk's have hurt me so much and even after disengaging I am still waiting for the nice sweet person that I use to be . Wonder if we will ever be normal again? I dont like who I have become .

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Wed, 01/16/2013 - 8:28pm

Lady, One problem is that even after disengaging we are left to do 'damage control' with DH. There is so much anger to swallow over feelings of betrayal. I don't know about you but when my DH ran out the door instead of insisting SD respect his wife in her own home, my trust went out the door with him. I seem to have become hard in some ways. Now when he plays passive-aggressive games I nail him on it immediately. I don't like being so vigilant. It has been two years since I disengaged and banned SD from our home. I am happier, more self-confident and have a highter self-esteem, but still long for a man who makes me feel cherished.

chickadee1444's picture

Submitted by chickadee1444 on Thu, 01/17/2013 - 2:15pm

I couldn't have said it better, in fact, I had to look twice to make sure I hadn't typed this blog because this is how I feel..all because I married the litle bitches father and she can't deal with it.I will never ever do another kind thing for her and get slapped in the face..

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 11:51am

I realize that small children ase just that - children who may not be able easily to cope with the changes.

But when the "children" are adults there is no excuse for rude behavior. A friend of mine got divorced after a long marriage because her husband was having an affair with another woman that he married. Actually I know of a few cases like that. I am cordial and even friendly with the new wife.

Do I approve of how they got together - no. I hate cheating with a passion. But that does not keep me from being kind and polite to the new wife. I don't understand why some adults skids cannot do the same.

A dear friend of mine adored her stepmother. Treated her better than her bio daughters did. She was probably in her mid 30s when her dad remarried. She told me many years later that her dad and SM had gotten together before her mother died. She did not use that to have a personal crusade against the SM.

I am actually kind to my SS. I don't hate or dislike him but his lifestyle is just repulsive to me. He's a drunk bum. But while I don't go out of my way to spend time with him I have always managed to be pleasant.

RandE559's picture

Submitted by RandE559 on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 11:54am

I am a SM going on 8yrs now and new to this site. I AGREE, I AGREE, I AGREE!!! I am QUEEN BEE of my household damn it!!! I have NOT allowed my SKIDS or BM to take advantage of the situation for years, they can try new tatics all they want. I have bent over backwards and I'm nicer to my SKIDS then I am my BIOS. Their mom is remarried but suffers from Parent Alienation Sydrome and constantly interferes on my husbands days. This chick is something else and her little creations who are a 17boy and 2-14twin girls are so disrespectful and think they're entitled to behave in such a rotten way! Pleeeease, I'd rather shoot myself in the foot! GO STEP-PARENTS!!!

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 12:41pm

Exactly RandE! I spent years being NICER to my ss then my own bio children. If my own bios did something wrong I did not hesitate to tell them my thoughts and at times I raised my voice and delivered punishments. But with ss-I always questioned myself-mabye I shouldnt send him to time out, but give him one more chance? Dont want anyone to think I'm picking on him, ya know. Maybe I should try and talk to him 3 more times before I actually take away his after dinner snack-since I've only talked to him 20 times already? Let me give ss the biggest portion of dessert that way he will know for sure that he is not being shortchanged. But it was NEVER good enough. I got blamed by my ss, bm, dh, and all my inlaws. Dh finally grew a set of balls and realizes none of it was my fault at all-but I am sure the rest of them are still on the blame train. I just no longer care or associate with them at all.

doormat333's picture

Submitted by doormat333 on Wed, 01/16/2013 - 1:43am

I agree with you completely and have experienced the same. I did and did for 6 years to no avail but achieving a stomach ulcer and illness from the stress and hatred.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Thu, 01/17/2013 - 9:56pm

I threw in the towel a few months ago as far as trying to be kind to SD (29) because I too got tired of getting my feelings hurt. We're treated like monsters who put a gun to daddy's head told him to marry us or else! Ridiculous.

I've vowed to no longer be kind to SD, but only be civil. I'm over it and pretend she doesn't exist. And like many of you mentioned, I don't care to hear about what she's doing, nor do I ask about her. To be quite honest, I feel sorry for her. Why? Because her daddy didn't allow her to grow up. At 29 she has the emotionally maturity of a 16 year old. :sick:

silver ring's picture

Submitted by silver ring on Fri, 01/18/2013 - 1:32pm

I don not allow my stepson to disrespect me.Neither my husband. I am active part in my stepson's life and treat him fairly. I am not afraid to be strict with him as I think that kids need discipline and a structured environment.He lives with us full time. Even though he does not see his biological mother often( every 2-3 months...when it is convenient for her, he has a tendency of being disrespectful after he visits her. But I don't buy into that crap. I am not afraid to stand my ground in front of anybody. When she questioned my way of treating him...which is not mean at all...I treat him with affection, nicely and fairly...my husband put her in her place immediately and did not let her to make the rules in our home.
I try to teach my stepson to appreciate everything he has and has been given and not to feel entitled.

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Sun, 01/20/2013 - 1:05am

There is so much involved in step families. The bio children come from an existing "norm" which meansbeing able to push mom's buttons or get away with a lie to dad, where bio parents are willing to overlook what dear Johnny and Suzie dod and know they are not hated when their child throws a tantraum. The children have trained the parents well, from day one they started training to cater to every need of that child regardless. We step ion, and first, we are not wanted or accepted by the step child or the other bio parent,and many times not even the spouses extended family which set up a rejected relationship right from the start. Then we cannot tolerate the little bits of garbage the parents turned a blind eye to and too often you cannot talk to the bio parent to help them see that what they are allowing is damaging to the child's personal growth. Been in this situation fro close to 24 years now. I finally figured the only thing I could do was save myself and disconnect from the insanity.

My husband had full custody of his sons from 2 & 4, I had custody of my daughters from 1 & 6. Both divorced parents left and started new lives literally leaving their children behind, each having to contact for 2 years and neitehr were consistant as being a parental figure in their children's lives afterwards. When I met husband and we knew it was serious and we'd be married we told the children that they would have 2 mom and 2 dads. We explained to the kids the new spouse (we had dated 3 years before we married) would never replace the other parent. The girls were thrilled to have a dad in their lives, the moms were not happy to have a new mom and it remained that way and is still the case even to this day. There was no acceptance on the part of SS's bio mom to allow for her sons to have another mom in their lives and I think that's why it all became that much harder.

I found, eventhough I was the one raising the kids, that if schools or anyone knew the boys were my stepsons they would not listen to me. One of the boys was 18 (adult) and dating a minor. I spoke to the mom about my concerns and she got quite upset with me. I now have a bio daughter who is 16 and I have spoke to the boy's family she is dating about my concerns and have become best friends. This sort of thing was typical throughout the whole time I raised my stepsons.

I think there is this thinking that we don't love the child and what I can say to that is we do not love them in an unconditional fashion like the parents or we would be able to put up with their behavior. We get cast in this target role to be the one they reflect their hurt upon, hurt that comes from thier parents' divorce.

One day I hope my steps feel every ounce of pain they dished towards me and I hope they can open their eyes to their situations and realize I was actually the parent that was there for them when their bio mom walked away.